A Definitive Ranking of Swarthmore’s Most Eligible Squirrels

As autumn approaches yet again, the most majestic part of Swarthmore’s campus returns. All our squirrels remain plentiful, cheeky, and ready to roam the great fields of Parrish Beach. However, some squirrels are more likely to thaw your heart this winter. The following is a list of all the eligible squirrels on main campus (sorry ML candidates), ranked by appearance, presence, and general vibes. If you have complaints about your favorite squirrel not being on this list, please do not send them to our editors. 

9. Wharton Courtyard Squirrel: The baseline model for Swarthmore wildlife, Wharton Courtyard Squirrel adds to the picturesque scenery without being gaunty. This squirrel manages to be cute and lovable even while completing the most mundane tasks, making him the Everyday Joe squirrel this campus needs. 

8. Kohlberg Squirrel: This year’s hipster sweetheart is none other than our beloved Kohlberg Squirrel. Kohlberg Squirrel loves people-watching, promoting the virtues of vintage evergreen homes, and admiring acorn craftsmanship. On your next cafe run, save an iced chai for our charcoal-coloured beauty. 

7. Matchbox Squirrel: Need a lifting partner? Matchbox Squirrel is slim but athletic, preferring to go on leisurely jogs around Fieldhouse Lane. But don’t be fooled by his toned tail into thinking he’s an airhead. If you manage to spot a light gray flash of fur, make sure you stop and stare into his introspective eyes. You’ll find that Matchbox Squirrel is the athletic cutie you need this winter. 

6. Danawell Squirrel: Verging between effortlessly cool and indie sleaze, Danawell Squirrel goes against the fast-paced life here on campus. They believe in relaxing and taking time to admire the idyllic Crum Woods. If you’re looking for a forest dweller and occasional hiking partner this winter, Danawell Squirrel is eager to keep you company. 

5. Science Center/Singer Squirrel: Possibly the most introverted candidate on our list, this squirrel adores the studious environment these buildings have to offer. He can be found hunched beside connecting walkways, avoiding the mid-afternoon rush before heading to his tree for light hibernation prep. If you’re lucky enough to spot this academic hottie, stop and wave as it’s his only social interaction. 

4. Narples Squirrel: Even as a newcomer, Narples Squirrel is marking her territory at Swarthmore’s latest landmark. There’s not much known about our new enigmatic candidate other than her perfectly fluffy fur and secretive lifestyle. But her mystery is what makes Narples Squirrel the hottest new commodity this semester. 

3. Sharples Squirrel: An All-American Classic, Sharples Squirrel is arguably the most beloved candidate. There’s nothing else that can be said about Sharples Squirrel other than his status as Swarthmore’s unofficial mascot, so keep on fawning over him. 

2. McCabe Squirrel: A close second, McCabe Squirrel offers the energetic boost you need after your cram sessions and unintelligible lectures. She’s vivacious and lively but ready to flash a quick smile whenever you need it. The next time you find this charismatic squirrel-next-door perched under a tree, ask her to share an acorn with you on the weekend. 

1. Thicky Squirrel: This year’s most eligible rodent, Thicky Squirrel can be found sashaying between the shrubbery of Parrish. A mighty specimen, Thicky Squirrel is most identifiable by his luscious gray coat and notably plump tail that towers over those of his counterparts. Aside from being the most voluptuous rodent, he’s also photogenic. Make sure to take a celebratory picture on his behalf and watch as Thicky Squirrel poses for his adoring fans.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

The Phoenix

Discover more from The Phoenix

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading