Accosting the Sweaty Palmed Culprit

Well friends, I won’t waste your time with flashy intros. I’m finally ready to lay all the pieces out for the world to see. Let’s start with the details of the deed:

The culprit was not an athlete, but has a strict workout regimen and feeds only on meat and spinach, so physique-wise, let’s say this person is masc. A baseball cap and proper attire, and this person would blend right in.

But 22 bats and 36 baseballs is a lot for one person. In early afternoon on December 6, 2016, our cheeky criminal saw a cart being brought over the baseball field, and as the person pushing it stopped for a moment to chat, 22 bats were placed on the lowest shelf. The bats were carted over and all that was left was for our culprit to carry over was his backpack stuffed to the brim with 36 baseballs.

The deed was done in broad daylight to a playlist of only Charli XCX.

Now, how did I come to find all of this out? Well I think I was a bit rushed to assume all Cornell inhabitants were blue Powerade and milk drinking athletes. Some Cornell inhabitants turn out to be buff nerds who listen to Charli XCX. Something didn’t feel right about some athlete guy thinking he was all smug for doing the bats and never coming forward. I mean, why would he let so many women who were associated with sitting in A1 face the wrath of the baseball team? Is keeping up friendliness in the fieldhouse really that necessary?

Once I narrowed down my list of culprits, I knew I had to make the criminal show me his face. I had to meet him on his turf, keep him comfortable so I didn’t scare him away. I left a reply hidden away in a puzzle in the back of Cornell and hid waiting for him to find it. It was a good old fashioned stake out. When I saw him approach the puzzle it was like time slowed down. His rugged handsomeness took me by surprise. His face had layers of mystery; a little cheeky, a little squeamish, easily spookable. He looked like the type of guy whose hands were sweaty but dry at the same time.  Who would’ve thought the culprit I’d been after for so long would strike me in such a way? But I digress.

The criminal later admitted to me his deed. Good thing he did or I would’ve had to make some sort of scene at last collection where I hold onto the mic until the culprit revealed himself.

So our mystery has come to a close, and if I’m being honest, I’m surprised another act like this hasn’t happened. Seems like it’d be pretty fun, and also I did some bat research and I don’t think it cost the team thousands of dollars. Maybe these boys can relax a little bit and think for a second why someone would want to mess with them. What would motivate this “improv renaissance man” to venture out to the baseball field and do this just for a laugh? Seems like the rest of campus is not getting a message spelled out in their equipment, so maybe an attitude adjustment is called for even to keep one man’s sweaty paws off your bats. Just a thought.

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