Weekly Horoscopes From Professor Trelawney

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

The Monday sun rises and we’re back today for another look into all of our futures. I return to bear some, well, rather unfortunate news for some but for others the news that they’ve been waiting for! Yes, it’s true… My field of studies—Divination, that is—is oft looked down upon by the “harder” sciences as some call them (for reasons unknown to me, it’s very obvious that my work is harder than theirs!). But ask any of your professors and none is apt to foretell your futures as well as I can! Which, of course, leads me to this week’s horoscopes. Come and see what the future holds in store for you:


For yet another week, the stars continue to shine brightly for you, this time signaling that a good friend will find warmth in your arms. Remember that while the Universe currently favors you, not all share this luck and fortune. There may be a friend who will need a hug and your words to make peace with their predicament.



Persistence will be your most-needed quality this week, as many obstacles to your goal will be placed in front of you. At first, you will be overwhelmed. But remember that, like the uphill climb after Sharples, if you take it step-by-step, you will end up where you want to.


As the autumn chill begins to settle in, remember to find warmth in your friendships. When your workload begins to lighten up later this week, I recommend you stop by Dean Braun’s Halloween Party.



Yet another good week for you too. No amount of homework, midterms, and general Swat stress will be able to bring you down as you whip through this week with unmatched productivity. True, this might be the most productive you’ll be all semester, but hey, it’s something.


The deadly spell Swat Plague has been going around. Be wary of those who cough or sneeze, and if there’s a certain shine to one’s nostril, it’s most certainly mucus. A protective charm cast upon yourself may help a bit, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.



Your affinity towards animals is exceptionally strong this week. It might be worth your time waking up extra early this week to meet the morning joggers and their dogs. If you’re too lazy for that, which you most certainly are, head on over to the bookstore and play with theirs.



Stay focused on the long-term and your efforts will be paid back in double. Remember that not getting enough sleep for one more reading will ruin the next day. But also, that you can most certainly miss out on one pub nite and finish your thesis chapter!


Things may be feeling a little unclear and it’s best to bring light to these matters. May I suggest the spell, Lumos? After three weeks of hooking up, you want to see where this is heading but you’re not sure how she feels. You stare at that prompt for too long because you didn’t do any of the readings. It’s best to work these things out instead of letting them sit for too long.


Unlike the Saturday nights when you’ve walked back from the parties alone and sad, you will find happiness in your solitude. Remember that time not spent worrying about these insignificant matters is time that can be spent on yourself.



Avoid clowns of all types–both in costume and in nature.



Expand your selection of music, books, and movies. If academic articles are all that you’ve been reading, pick up a nice erotic, or neurotic, novel for a change.


It’s time to let loose with your points and Swat points! While making sure to save some for coffee during finals weeks, indulge in some Indian Food from Kohlberg. Go out to Bamboo Bistro, order three different things, and when asked if you’re expecting another guest, just laugh it off.


Featured images and GIFs courtesy of giphy.com


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