Current chart toppers gag-inducing

I’m people-watching from the window of a Starbucks in Center City Philadelphia. After seeing some of the stylistic choices made by Philadelphia’s residents, I figured I had two choices: gag myself with my teabag to prevent making a show of my laughter, or complain about Lorde’s inability to spell despite her superior New Zealand education.

She just doesn’t seem to want to stop. It’s almost as if she’s taking a hint from Miley Cyrus. The more I hear “Royals,” the more it annoys me. Lorde isn’t even old enough to rent a hotel room, let alone trash it. The only buzz she’s ever experienced is the field trip she took last week to visit beekeepers. You know you’re a poser in the music industry when your mother has to hand you your fan-mail to alleviate your bad grade in your literature class.

Miley Cryus’ “Wrecking Ball” has remained in the top two. I can tolerate that only based on my desire to take a wrecking ball to the new Sharples configuration. The “safe zone” sign conjures the same kind of giggles drawn from the “bomb shelter” signs scattered about Philadelphia’s city hall left over from the Cold War Era.

The rest of the top ten has, for the most part, remained the same since the last time I made my way to the Billboard charts’ website. So, I’ll comment on a few other goings-on in the music industry.

“Work Bitch” STILL hasn’t hit the top ten. It’s been a while since you’ve flopped this hard, Britney. The fact that “Hold It Against Me” debuted at number 1 while Work Bitch died outside the top ten vine makes less sense than Kate Winslet doing glamor photography for Vogue magazine.

“Do What U Want” restored my faith in Lady Gaga more than the album tracks on “Born This Way.” When my boyfriend played “Applause” for me, we laughed in unison and held a moment of silence to reflect on the eminent death of Gaga’s career. Her new album, due to drop on 11/11, might just transform from “Chartflop” to “Artpop” at this rate. Let’s just hope that “Venus,” the upcoming promotional single, is the fire of our desires.