While I cry over not being able to use my $9.00 dinner meal swipe on food from Margaret Kuo’s at the Science Center coffee bar, I’m going to throw some shade about this week’s Billboard Top 10.
1. I’m really pissed that Katy Perry’s “Roar” topped the charts again this week. Who the hell does she think she is, producing low-quality music and feeding it to the masses? She doesn’t even have an “artistically significant” music video to accompany it. Take after Gaga, Katy Perry: no one cares about your poor references to Survivor’s only hit. Tigers are endangered. Please return their eyes.
2. Robin Thicke thought it was appropriate to allow Miley Cyrus to twerk against him. I’m issuing a “cease-and-desist” warrant on behalf of Angelica Pickles, whose Cynthia doll wants its hair back. Rugrats was family programming, and now it is forever soiled.
3. You’ve had one song make the top five, Lorde. No one is calling you the Queen “B.” Beyoncé’s people will be in touch with your lawyers to settle your pending copyright infringement case. Have fun singing background vocals on Michelle Williams’ next solo album.
4. Magna Carta … Holy Grail. Declaration of Independence … Ark of the Covenant. I’ve just titled your next album, JayZ. You’re welcome.
5. Avicii is thanking his lucky stars for “Wake Me Up.” Perhaps fans will finally stop asking him to spin “Levels” at every live performance. One can only hope.
6. Look at Lana go — contrary to popular belief, day drinking and reckless driving can lead to serious lyrical insight and musical success. As much as I enjoy a good listen-through of “Born to Die,” I can’t help but feel sorry for the millions of Tumblr hipsters reblogging posts about “how they can’t like Lana anymore because she’s too mainstream.” Take refuge with Marina and the Diamonds and a can of PBR.
7. I don’t live for the Applause. I’ll tear up my gay card before praising Gaga’s new single. Sure it’s catchy, but suddenly she has adapted to mainstream trends. Previously, she was the bellwether of music trends to come. Paws down.
8. I still haven’t shaken Drake’s unfortunate collab with Rihanna. “What’s My Name” prompted a real desire for amnesia. I wanted to forget my name, that song, and RiRi’s red hair.
9. While not as blatantly offensive as Zedd’s “Clarity,” “Safe and Sound” has crossed over from that “eh, I’m too lazy to change the station while I’m driving” reaction to the “ANYTHING ANYTHING BUT THIS” gut wrenching distaste I reserve for songs that are both poorly constructed and overplayed. Examples include “Moves Like Jagger” and “Party Rock Anthem.”
10. What is “Berzerk” by Eminem and why the hell does it not play on Top 40 radio, yet manage to squeeze its way into the top 10? Oh right, he’s favored by the musical Illuminati. My bad.
I’m really hoping Gaga’s next single doesn’t make me cry on the shoulder of Ke$ha again. The glitter still hasn’t washed off.
