Lately I’ve come to find out things about myself, first how not smart I am in regards to numbers, secondly how naïve I can be about the smallest things and third that I build up walls. Not like actual brick walls, but ones that are unable to be seen or brought down with any explosive device. These walls are more emotional than physical. They are put up in order to ensure that I will not get hurt.
Let me explain a little further. If there comes a time when I feel that something is not right or there is a possibility of me getting my feelings hurt, I shut down in a sense that I would rather cut someone off than be hurt by them. I feel that many people are guilty of this very thing, but will never admit it. In the recent past, I have come to realize that I am guilty of this more times than I would like to the point that I am unaware at times of the fact that this “wall” has been put up. This has affected so many relationships — not only intimate ones, but close friendships as well. It was not until recently that I reflected on how some of my relationships ended that I found that I had this problem. I am the type of person who is very sociable and amiable, but I realized that though I would care for a person it was too easy for me to cut them off emotionally. Even with friends, I am receptive most to those who are around me constantly; those who aren’t fall to the cliché “out of sight, out of mind.”
And in a sense, I am guilty doing this even in my most intimate relationships. Now, I will be the first to admit that this is a huge problem because I know at times girls that I have talked to feel as if things have gotten weird or no longer the same than when we first met. I never understood when a girl would bring this sort of problem to my attention. Rather, I would just brush it off. Looking back on it, I could have made an effort in communicating the sudden chill that had come over our relationship. But, I ended up not saying much and leaving her usually confused and dumbfounded into what was going on in my mind. This is something that didn’t occur just once or twice, but it seemed to be a repeated process to the point that I had to acknowledge that it was me who had a problem. That is why I am writing this article: to tell others who may be scared to let others in or allow others to get close to you because you have been hurt by others (friends, family, boyfriends/girlfriends).
To find the root of the problem can be extremely difficult and don’t get me wrong, it was hard to do. But I have found that once you take that painful reflection period, you give yourself the opportunity to heal. Because sometimes you find a guy or girl who is perfect, but due to the fact that you have not dealt with certain problems, you miss out on a really great person.
I mean, I value the opportunity to write this column because while anonymous, it also allows me to be transparent. This column is made up of real feelings, real situations and real experiences. I can only write about what I have experienced personally. At times, I had trouble writing this particular piece because this was an issue that I have shunned for so long. But by writing about this, I hope that it will cause others to let down that emotional barrier and allow someone who deserves to be there in. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on something that could have been really special, trust me I know.
Until Next Time,
Take Care.
