Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
To the frank and occasionally transvestite student body of Swarthmore College,
Though our time as columnists is fleeting, you will find that our final wisdom-nugget neither drips with false compliments, nor oozes with idolatrous praise. As self-appointed Sages of Sketchy Swarthmore Trivialities, it has reached our attention that the most basic safeguard from social upheaval—which if not performed precisely will cause our Phoenix-Bubble Swat Society to combust with little hope of reincarnation—is being enacted in a most unacceptable manner. We are speaking, of course, of the Swat Swivel. To our horror and shame, this once perfectly choreographed tool of social preservation has degenerated into a pathetically sloppy, utterly ineffective head flail not unlike that of a Rottweiler attempting to shake fleas from its agitated posterior.
We are concerned, Swarthmore College. Very concerned. Since we are both leaving you for a year abroad, we chose to use this space in which we would normally answer a question covertly posed by a member of the (taut) student body to issue a vital public service announcement. We hope you will find it instrumental to restoring the harmony that has been tragically, and we hope not irrevocably, lost.