Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
The field of Democratic candidates for President grew yesterday as former congressman and Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan announced his intention to seek the White House a fourth time. Mr Bryan, long believed dead, announced his formation of a presidential exploratory committee, but made clear that it was a mere formality on the way to an official announcement. Pundit Chris Matthews of the television show “Hardball” claims to have seen this move coming ever since the publication of the autobiographical political tract “The Book of Bryan” which laid out Mr Bryan’s advocacy of free coinage of silver, prohibition of alcohol, and the retention of day-age creationism in the classroom. Mr Bryan responded during his press conference in Dayton, Tennessee to allegations that campaign contributions from Nevada mining interests call his integrity into question, saying “you shall not press down upon the brow of the party this crown of thorns, you shall not crucify my campaign upon a cross of gold.” Apparently anticipating a rough general election, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney stepped out of the race and endorsed Mr Bryan, while Senator John McCain of Arizona added Jerry Lawrence and Bob Lee to his campaign staff. Lawrence and Lee, old hands at the campaign game, were responsible for the famed ad in which images of Senator Joseph McCarthy were shown alongside those of Mr Bryan with the voiceover, “do you want this man troubling your own house?” Former senator and Secretary of State Henry Clay, former Secretary of the Treasury Hobo Joe Junkpan, and former Vice President Aaron Burr are rumored to be on the vice-presidential shortlist.
The situation in Freedonia has escalated this week as Prime Minister Rufus T. Firefly emerged unscathed from the latest battle in its war with the Republic of San Marcos last night. Mr Firefly called an emergency press conference to announce that “he shot an elephant in his pajamas,” adding that he was unaware how the elephant got there. President Fielding Mellish of San Marcos acknowledged that animals participated in the battle, but only because much of the army was still doing the work of the initial revolution which brought him to power. Mr Mellish explained, “A revolution, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.” Foreign policy expert Fareed Zakaria, asked to respond to the situation, printed in his Newsweek column that he thinks what “we got on our hands is a dead shark.” Mr Mellish in a press conference responded to Mr Zakaria, claiming that considering Mr Zakaria’s own views on the dangers of illiberal democracy, he should recall that while Mr Mellish’s government may not be democratic, at least it does not repress civil liberties. Mr Zakaria then appeared at the press conference, retorting to Mr Mellish: “You, you know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you ever got to run a country is totally amazing.”
The International Geographic Union have suffered an embarrassing reversal as they announced yesterday that Australia is no longer a continent. “Well,” said Clancy Bangert, the head of the IGU, “after this whole Pluto thing, we thought we ought to re-evaluate our list of official continents. And the simple fact is, it doesn’t fit our criteria.” Mr Bangert went on to explain that while Australia has been considered a continent for quite some time, “nobody found it quite interesting enough to remain as such. I mean, they talk funny, but that’s only justification for so long. And the Everglades has alligators too, so don’t come back at me with that.” Asked whether penguins would make the organization reconsider, Mr Bangert said “perhaps, but sadly, you go the Continental Consideration Panel with the wildlife you have, not the wildlife you want.” The Cartographers for Social Equality protested the decision, although they seem conflicted over the fact that while Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, it is still an English-speaking nation.