Student “stressed out,” calls mother

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

A student has announced that he is just too “stressed out” and proceeded to call his mother yesterday. He claims that the demands of Swarthmore are simply more than his health and sanity can stand. His biochemistry exam, economics paper, physics lab report and Latin translation sent him into such a tizzy last night that he called home, screaming, “Why didn’t I just go to Harvard?” His mother then proceeded to remind him, “Harvard rejected you, honey.”

Like most Swatties, the student maintains a busy extracurricular life in addition to his academic achievements. He currently helps homeless kittens in Wallingford, works as a P.A. on the second floor of Cornell (just go there Friday at midnight and say Buzz sent you), writes his own poetry journal, plays three varsity sports and also conducts a small chamber orchestra dedicated to French baroque string music. When his maternal unit suggested that he quit one of these things, he merely sighed and said, “they just can’t do it without me.” The student’s roommate was busy working on his Statistics 1 homework last night, but took a break to tell us that the student “seems to take things a little seriously. And I would let up on the Red Bull, man. It stains the carpet.”

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