Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Once again, Swarthmore College students were able to change the course of US
foreign policy yesterday evening by holding a candle-light vigil for peace
on the steps of Parrish Hall for two hours.  At 8:42 last night President
Bush received word of the demonstration and was singularly impressed by the
dedication of the students to their humanitarian cause; within minutes he
had ordered all American troops to pull out of Iraq and had urged UK Prime
Minister Tony Blair to follow suit.

“This is spectacular!” enthused SPAC member Laura Thompson ’05.  “We thought
that last year’s protest on the steps of Parrish wouldn’t bring an end to
the war in Afghanistan, but it did!  To have such a tactic work twice in as
many years and wars really gives me a feeling of being empowered in the
global community.”

Given the apparent effectiveness of the Parrish steps as a location for
political protest, campus activist organizations are now considering
limiting all future demonstrations to that area, rather than traditional
places such as New York City, Washington DC, and the intersection at the
corner of the Springfield Mall.

*****

In the current revamping of housing options, another choice has been added
to Substance-Free and Diversity housing. After months of petitioning,
students have been granted a “Hackey-Sack” floor on Palmer 2nd.

“You know, it was just like, there’s housing for people who don’t like, um,
substances and for people who are all about diversity, but what about us?”
commented Brandon “Wookie” McPherson, who spearheaded the campaign. He added
“This hall will support students who have strong interests not only in
hackey sack, but also in, like, Pink Floyd and Doritos and Comic Books and
also those hats that have like those spinney things on top.”

Myrt Westphal, Director of Residential Life and head of the Housing
Committee, was initially hesitant to allow the change. “At first, they were
completely unorganized. The petitions were written on used napkins and candy
wrappers. A few of the signatures were clearly fake or at the very least not
from registered Swarthmore students. ‘Tommy Chong’, ‘Thurgood Jenkins’  and
‘Optimus Prime’ are not members of the Swarthmore community.”

However, after the recent additions of Substance Free and Diversity housing,
Westphal gave in. “I said ‘What the hey?’ At the very least, this will screw
over some sophomores come the spring lottery and, after all, that’s why I’m
really here, isn’t it?”

When McPherson and his colleagues were informed of their achievement, they
were overjoyed. “Man, this isn’t just a victory for us, this is a victory
for all Swatties who have been ignored for so long. Those 12% who don’t play
an intramural or intercollegiate sport . Those who don’t study 4.34 hours a
day. Those who have stolen and will continue to steal Public Safety vehicles
to solve all sorts of supernatural mysteries. And those, who, umm…yeah.”

*****

Joe Stack ’06 vented his frustration yesterday about the Swat student body’s
seemingly callous attitude toward his opinions on vital campus issues.

“I feel oppressively silenced on a daily basis,” Stack said. “Despite the
supposed liberal atmosphere at Swat, I don’t feel like people are really
interested in hearing what I have to say.”

“You’re damn right we aren’t interested in hearing what he has to say,”
Brianna Iteme ’05 said. “I mean, have you talked to the guy? He’s just plain
wrong, all the time. We shouldn’t have to deal with people like that here.”

“Really, he just needs to shut up and stop whining,” she added.

This, Stack said when informed of Iteme’s comment, is exactly what he means.
“I just get shot down, day after day. Nobody here is willing to engage in a
serious dialogue with me. I bet they’re all just scared that I’ll turn out
to be right after all.”

In an act that has shocked many and surprised none, the powers that be
announced Monday that the grand opening of the sushi bar in the new science
center has been pushed back to sometime late in the year 2007.

According to John B. Johannis ’04, an engineering major from Haverford
helping coordinate the construction as an honors project, the delay came in
the wake of severe complications “with angles and stuff.”

Despite the immanence of a costly delay, Johannis was optimistic about the
strides he and his team had made recently. “We learned the Pythagorean
Theorem last week, and productivity quintupled,” Johannis carefully
explained as he gestured to a wall of the sushi bar covered with protractors
affixed with duct tape and chewing gum. “We should be up and running in no
time.”

Despite the pubic anger over the delay, construction coordinator Sara Heinz
did not seem the least perturbed over the recent scheduling problems.

“Sure we’ve had a few delays,” Heinz reasoned. “But need I remind you that
the new ‘cardboard atrium’ and ‘giant mud puddle’ sections of the new
science center have been open for weeks–ahead of schedule even.”

*****

Administrators returning from lunch yesterday afternoon received something
of a shock when they discovered the entire first floor of Parrish had
vanished in the latest of thefts from the building.

Owen Redgrave, Director of Public Safety, acknowledged that the culprit
might be the same person who’s been swiping wallets and purses from the
first floor offices over the past few months. “It is entirely possible that
the suspects are one and the same, and that he’s grown more ambitious with
time,” Redgrave said.

“But whoever it is, don’t you worry–we’ll find the bastard and make him
pay!!!” he added with a maniacal cackle.

When tactfully asked why Public Safety hasn’t caught the suspect yet,
however, Redgrave became enraged, yelling something about “bloody nosy
press” and throwing the Gazette reporter out his office window.

*****

Swarthmore was hit especially hard by weather conditions that first dumped
over fifty inches of snow on Philadelphia and then warmed the area up to 75
degrees, causing a flood of epic proportions. The entire two blocks of the
Ville were washed away by the storm.

However, things at the College went on much as usual. Writing from his home,
Dean Bob Gross said that while college administrators and staff would have
the option to stay home that day, all students were expected to be in class.

“Remember, you have to be in class to prepare for finals, which are less
than 10 weeks away!” he wrote. Gross also suggested that students really
should get cracking on that seminar reading that they thought they wouldn’t
have to do because of the weather.

However, when asked if he himself were planning to head to campus that day,
the dean replied, “Are you crazy? In this weather? Never!”

Several students are already reported missing, and it is believed that they
got stuck in the mud on their way from ML and PPR to campus, since of
course, the shuttle wasn’t running.

*****

A study revealing that Willets hosts only a modest amount of substance
fueled debauchery, comparable to that of Dana or Strath Haven, has evoked
distress in residents, concerned for their dorm’s tarnished reputation.

According to the study, conservative weekend use of alcohol and other drugs
places the dorm securely in the “lame/weak” bracket. Contrary to campus
lore, Willets is often only mildly loud and alcohol-soaked on Friday and
Saturday nights, ‘alcohol-sprinkled’ perhaps being a more suitable
description.

These new findings have sent residents scurrying to organize sessions of
Beirut in the halls in a half-hearted effort to preserve their dorm’s
reputation, sessions which are eventually stymied by someone realizing that
no one has any beer, and several would-be participants making Orgo-related
excuses and leaving for McCabe.

Taking a break from studying in the calm, orderly lounge, second year
Willets residents John Yellow and Barbara Black, ’05, expressed alarm that
their beloved dorm would be sullied by the new data. “I know I don’t really
do that kind of thing, but I always though that someone did. I mean, it’s
Willets, right?” said Black. Yellow was unavailable for comment, having
discovered that he had recommended reading due in two weeks that he had not
printed out yet.

*****

After reading the reserved-students email about the Olde Club show for next
week, Swattie Orin Johanssen ’04 was amazed to realize that he recognized
the name of the headliner.

“I mean, they’re no DJ Shadow, whoever that is, but I read a blurb about
them in Rolling Stone three months ago,” Johanssen marveled. “Maybe this’ll
become one of those campus legends years from now, like how Nirvana might
have played here before they made it big. This is so sweet.”

Johanssen’s friends Christine McTavish ’04 and Scott Rudiger ’03 verified
the presence of the Olde Club band in the highly acclaimed music magazine.
“Orin ran in here yesterday and made me check my email, then while I was
reading the SC thing about weekend events he shoved one of his old Rolling
Stone’s in my face,” said McTavish. “I was like, dude! I believe you!”

“He said he’d been waiting for this day since he got arrived at Swat,” said
Rudiger. “I think he had a tear in his eye.”

When pressed further, Johanssen admitted that he’d never actually listened
to the band’s music and probably would not attend the concert. “But at least
I can say they were here.”

****

In an interesting turn of events, the administration has requested that
George W. Bush be the next Dean of Swarthmore College.

Current Dean of the College Bob Gross confessed, “I am glad that I finally
have the opportunity to retire. The liberal exuberance of Swarthmore has
been a thorn in my side for quite some time, and I am only relieved that my
final act as headmaster is to bring a more conservative side to the college
with President Bush.”

Gross plans to enlist in the war as soon as he is replaced.

The senior class is already planning new shot glasses with Bush’s face on
them to add to the collection. Dean of Housing Myrt Westphal refused to
comment to the Gazette, but seemed a little jealous that Bush will be the
next shot glass instead of her, and that the Bush glass will be twice the
size of the other deans’ in order to accommodate the huge shots that
students will be taken under his administration.

*****

At the beginning of the Student Council meeting last night, Co-Presidents
Anna Morgan ’04 and Ryan Budish ’04 jointly announced their intentions to
resign from the rubber-stamp student government organization.  Seizing upon
the power vacuum in the wake of the loss of SC leadership, Bolsheviks on
Swarthmore’s campus rose up and proclaimed the existence of the Swarthmore
Socialist Republic.

“No longer shall you be oppressed by the dictatorship of the administration
and their running-dog lackeys on the Student Council!,” proclaimed Matt
Wallington ’04.  “We will create a Swarthmore that is open, free, and fair
for all those who hold exactly the same views as we do!”

The announcement, not unexpectedly, drew widespread support from the student
body, many of whom dressed in red and carried giant portraits of their
liberators to celebrate the occasion.  “It’s almost as though nothing has
changed!” exclaimed Danielle Bounds ’06.  “Long live the socialist
revolution!”

Although the Gazette attempted to contact the College Republicans to hear
their views on the creation of the SSR, all of their members had
mysteriously vanished and could not be reached for comment.

*****

The culmination of a long search for equilibrium between the 14-meal plan
and the 20-meal plan, the 17-meal plan has been approved as most balanced of
the three plans. The 20-meal plan, proposed by Papa Bear, was judged to have
too many meals and not enough points. The 14-meal plan, Mama Bear’s
favorite, was deemed as having not enough meals and too many points. “What
if you want to eat breakfast once in a while?” pointed out Goldilocks ’05.
But the 17-meal plan, with its winning combination of not too many points
and not too many meals, gained the approval of the blond critic, who deemed
it the perfect choice.

*****

The news raced across campus yesterday afternoon in conversations, emails
and phone calls: a post had been found on the jolt that was both well
reasoned and relevant to the current world situation. According to the jolt
administrators, the post was made around 2:45 p.m. after the student, who
wished to go only by her jolt identity hot_swattie_05, returned from her
1:15 class.

Said hot_swattie, “The Jolt has such untapped potential to inspire dialogue
and to help people work through many of the challenging questions that they
must face in their college years. I was only hoping to redirect conversation
in a more productive way. I didn’t realize it would be such a controversial
move.”

Indeed the original post was followed by no fewer than 13 anonymous postings
ranging from the rude “shut the fuck up” to the lewd “you’re such a typical
swattie…you need to get out of yor [sic] room and get laid. wtf? how come
the girls here won’t give any?”

Swarthmore History professor and cultural historian Tim Burke commented,
“Throughout the course of human history we have always seen counter-cultural
movements and rebellion against mainstream thought. This is really just the
same thing repeated once more. This so-called “hot swattie” is simply
unsatisfied with the direction chosen by the majority of Swarthmore students
and is selfishly trying to change it to be more in line with what she
desires.”

Jolt Administrator Jeremy Schifeling ’03, said that he and the other
administrators received a number of emails demanding that the offensive
hot_swattie post be removed, but that they came to the conclusion that
“since it did not contain any personal attacks, vulgarity, grammatical
errors or even typos there were no grounds on which we could remove it.”

Student reaction to the post was quite negative, indeed the one student who
responded positively to the post in an interview with this reporter was
later found bound, gagged and tied to the flag pole on top of Parrish.

*****

In an unprecedented move in Swarthmore history, the Peace and Conflict
Studies department, long cherished as one of the unique aspects of the
college and as one of the few remnants of its Quaker past, has been
destroyed by a new force, the Preliminary Strike department.

On Monday, March 31st, members of the Preliminary Strike department, coining
themselves “Operation Academic Innovation,”(OAI) stormed the Peace and
Conflict Studies Department, dropping many devastating pounds of lethal
paperwork. Dressed in ink-proof navy suits, OAI presented the department
with the Patriot Enabling System Trademark (PEST) contract, signed by
college President Al Bloom, as well as all the other members of the Board of
Managers. The PEST contract cuts all funding to the Peace Studies Department
and relocates the assets to the Preliminary Strike department.

“We didn’t know it was coming. How could we?” said Peace and Conflict
studies chair Amanda Bayer. “We were given an ultimatum, either to leave
peacefully or they would make us leave peacefully. I don’t even understand
how that makes any kind of sense, nor what exactly a Preliminary Strike
department would do or how it would benefit the Swarthmore community.”

In response, William A. Ratner, the new chair of the Preliminary Strike
Department, PSD, decreed publicly “We are a peaceful department. But
sometimes to have peace, we must remove the Peace Department. The new PSD
will perform many useful functions, or as we call them, UF’s. For example,
we will..” before mumbling inaudibly.

When asked to further explain, he said “I could tell you, but it’s top
secret. TS, as we call it. But mind you, we’ll be very busy on campus. But
it will all be very TS, but also very exciting.”

*****

Swarthmore College President Al Bloom revealed his allegiance to the Dark
Lord Eugene Lang today, commanding his minions to begin tearing down the
grove of trees located between Mertz and the train station so that a new
barracks could be built for his teeming legions of elite liberal arts
college students.  “A new power is rising!” proclaimed Bloom, speaking from
atop Parrish Hall.  “This night the land will be stained with the blood of
my enemies!”

In response to the revealing of Bloom as a turncoat, Scott Arboretum workers
just hours ago marshaled a group of ents they had secretly raised over many
moons deep within the Crum Woods.  Angered by the wanton destruction of
their non-sentient comrades near Mertz, the ents are expected to begin an
assault on Bloom’s stronghold in Parrish Hall by later tonight.

*****

In a new and controversial study published Monday, the Swarthmore College
departments of Biology and Psychology reported sleep deprivation to be
extremely harmful to those between the ages of 18-21. Published in the
journal of “Adult Opinions of College Students” the article was met by
amazement from scientists all over the world.

“Really, who would have thought it?” said Professor of Biology Anne Smith.
“Not sleeping more than 6 hours a night from September through May
apparently causes students to be cranky, nod off suddenly in dark places,
and depend on huge amounts of caffeine!”

The study was done using 150 Swat students, who most of the time didn’t even
know they were being studied. “For most studies we have to search for
subjects” reported Smith. “But not for this one. We just simply sat in our
classrooms and watched our own students! We found the science classes to be
particularly good for this.”

When asked what could possibly be done to restore students’ health and
reverse the study’s trend, the researchers had only one solution: “Why more
sleep of course. I myself get 10 hours of sleep on average, and I’m
perfectly healthy.”

These same researchers then went on to assign a combined 150 pages of
reading and a 10-page paper for each of their students, to be done by
Tuesday morning at the very latest.

*****

In an effort to grapple with the increasingly large number of mindless
emails, United State legislative bodies have recently passed a bill that
criminalizes spam. However, the legislation targets only emails “lacking any
possible value to the recipients” and permits mass advertisements that may
have any, even extremely small, amounts of public interest.

Mass email advertisers have embraced the bill, because it supports the “get
rid of debt” and “penis enlargement” emails standard in the inboxes of
internet users across America today. Courts have determined that both of
these types of emails subscribe to the interest of at least some small
fraction of the populous.

However, researchers have yet to find any value in the emails sent out to
students via the reserved students email list at Swarthmore College. “The
emails often contain so little useful information it is mind-numbing,”
claims Alfred Vore, part of the commitee set up to investigate spam
emailings. In addition courts have deemed the emails unconstitutional and
begun to fine school officials for each email sent out.

School administrators say that the circumstances are “unfortunate” but not
unexpected and admit that the emails may have become a bit excessive.

Student Rick Marris ’04 agreed that the email list was overly used. “It had
gotten to the point where I actually had to stop using my Swarthmore
account; the [reserved-student] email spam literally outnumbered the normal
emails that I received. Normally that wouldn’t be excessive, but I was also
subscribed to 37 other email lists outside of Swarthmore.”

Marris also claimed he did not know who 90% of the emails he received were
from. “Not only was I receiving emails from the school administration, but
also from no-name organizations, imaginary staff members, professors I never
knew existed, the relatives of professors I never knew existed, and the pets
of relatives of professors I never knew existed.”

As of Monday the college has halted reserved students emails and is
investigating an alternate way of broadcasting news to students.
Administrators are not worried about the situation, as Bob Gross claims,
“nobody here can quite remember the last time we sent out something
important.”

*****

Swarthmore’s new science center will not only have a new sushi bar as
planned, but will also be home to the College’s first slaughterhouse,
project designers revealed on Monday.  The idea for a slaughterhouse was
conceived in response to a widespread and insatiable student demand to have
freshly-killed meat available throughout the day.

“At first we thought that the idea was absurd,” said Rachel Merz, a biology
professor and chair of the Science Project User’s Group.  “But then we
realized that we could just use the slanted roof of the Science Commons as a
chute for the animals, add some spikes, saw blades, and maybe some laser
beams to the path downwards, and then have the bloodied carcass fall down
into an area right behind the new Beverage Lab – it’s practically flawless.
Plus, as a bonus, my department will have lots of dead animals to look at
and dissect.”

In order to satisfy the diverse culinary desires of the students and the
intellectual curiosity of the biology department, the College has decided to
immediately begin a program to import rare and endangered animals from
around the world.  April will feature the South American marsh deer,
Ethiopian wolf, and Saiga antelope; the College is now accepting requests
for animals to be featured during the month of May.

*****

Students and faculty were shocked and disgusted Monday night when Joe
Cephalaboom ’06’s head exploded during a routine faculty guest lecture held
by the Department of Economics.

“We told him not to go in there,” confessed a friend of Cephalaboom, who
preferred to remain anonymous. “I mean, damn–who actually goes to these
things voluntarily anyway?”

Amidst the terror and confusion following the incident, Dr. Shroedinger from
Worth Health Center has searched for answers. “You see, the amount of
information presented at Monday’s lecture was not abnormally intense or
complicated by Swarthmore standards,” explained Dr. Shroedinger as he
gestured toward a large graph of Nielson Television Ratings from 1976.

“The problem was, usually the amount of information is offset by massive
amounts of boredom and listlessness, which seems to have not been the case
with Joe,” continued Shroedinger. “The boy must have actually been
interested and actively listening, and that’s something we just don’t
anticipate at economics lectures.”

After the somewhat messy incident, an elite team of janitors was called in
to survey the damage to Kirby Lecture Hall, where the event took place. But
after a brief period of deliberation, it was decided nothing would be done
to clean or repair the hall. As one janitor stated, “I mean, [Kirby] already
looks like hell anyways.”

*****

On Tuesday night of last week, Jerry Green ’06 successfully carried off what
everyone dreams of, but few achieve. Breezing past the peoples anxiously
waiting by the card swipers, Green descended the stairs at a leisurely pace
and calmly selecting a tray and a nutritious meal of pasta, green beans, and
pink lemonade. He then proceeded to scan the Big Room, and in a smooth,
fluid motion, slid into an empty chair at the end of a table occupied by
people he knew slightly.

News that someone had dared to enter Sharples without arranging to meet
others there spread swiftly around the dinning hall. Several students
brashly expressed a desire to duplicate Green’s exploit, from the safety of
their groups of friends.

“The great thing about it is that you can eat when you feel hungry, not when
everyone else wants to eat” said Green, confidently twirling his spaghetti
around his fork while he preached his revolutionary gospel.

The freshman says that he might even attempt his feat again in the future,
though, predictably, he has no plans as of yet.

*****

This spring’s Dash for Cash, the event in which students run naked through
the first floor hallway of Parrish while grabbing cash from onlookers, is
expected to be even more interesting than in previous years with the
addition of a critically-acclaimed new element:  four starving wolves that
will be released behind the students shortly after they begin their run.

“Look, these people are quite clearly insane anyway,” explained Dean Bob
Gross.  “I mean, you’d have to be to run in front of not only all your
peers, but also faculty, staff, and administrators, plus whatever random
people happen to show up that day.  We figured we’d just make the Dash a bit
more interesting by adding a ‘man struggling against nature’ element to it.
See how fast they can run, you know?”

Gross contends that it is legal and proper for the administration to release
the wolves in the corridor, despite having no connection with the dash,
official or otherwise.  “It’s our damn hallway, and we’ll do with it as we
damn well please – if people happen to be running through it when the wolves
are there, well, that’s just a fortuitous coincidence, now isn’t it?”

Because of safety concerns, the hallway will have a chain-link fence
installed to separate onlookers from the runners and the wolves, but Gross
contends that people will still be able to offer money simply by reaching
through the fence.  “And hell, if someone’s hand gets bitten off, it’s not
my problem, now is it?” Gross said, chuckling.  The Dash for Cash will be
held within the first few weeks of April.

*****

The self-styled Emperor Alfredus Bloomius III – until yesterday known as
President Al Bloom – this morning ordered the commencement of the Swatlandia
Spring Festival to celebrate the dawn of a new era under His enlightened
rule.

Festivities are to commence tomorrow morning when troops from Swatlandia’s
Legions parade the foreign captives – prospective students taken hostage
yesterday – up Magill Walk to the front of Parrish Palace, where Emperor
Bloomius will hear each one beg Him for leniency.  Those who fail to make a
convincing case will be condemned to be eaten alive by Bloomius’ pet
squirrels for His amusement; those who succeed will merely have to face off
against battle-hardened Swatlandia students in a gladiatorial deathmatch in
the Amphitheatre.

“Over the next week,” spake Bloomius, “Swatlandia’s Legions will sweep forth
into the rustic countryside that surrounds our small province, bringing
death and destruction to all those who would oppose us.  We shall march on
the stronghold of the infidels in Philadelphia!”

Upon the conquest of the city, Bloomius shall be crowned God Emperor and 500
virgins from Bryn Mawr and Haverford shall be sacrificed, provided that they
can actually be found in those dens of sin and vice.

*****

The global balance of power shifted once again yesterday evening, as the
Chemistry, Physics, and Biology departments of Swarthmore College revealed
that they had secretly developed weapons of mass destruction.  “Now we shall
be the number one liberal arts college forever!  Praise be to our
scientists!  Praise be to our Wise Leader Bloom!” screamed Jim Bock, Dean of
Admissions, upon hearing the news.

“This is a decisive action of terrifying on the American people, and we
cannot stands to contemplate their evil, evil deed,” President Bush said in
an address to the nation last night.  Bush has demanded that UN inspectors
be allowed to survey Dupont and Martin so that US intelligence services can
determine what sort of weapon emplacements and fortifications need to be hit
once the bombing begins on Wednesday night.

*****

In an response to the prayers of a sophomore on Willets 1st North, God has
mandated and provided for the creation of a bar to be offered in Sharples
every Thursday night that will feature nothing but grain alcohol, marijuana,
ecstasy, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, and LSD.

According to Linda McDougall, head of Swarthmore’s Dining Services, the
College had considered offering a bar remarkably similar to this in the
1960’s, but legal and financial issues kept them from implementing it.
“Now,” McDougall says, “we have God providing bountiful quantities of all
these drugs in His infinite wisdom, and the Lord knows that most Swatties
need to take some of these things to calm the fuck down.”  When questioned
about the legality of the new Drug Bar, McDougall replied, “Look, we’ve got
God on our side – what can the American legal system do about that?”

Student reaction to the new bar has been overwhelmingly positive, as
comments on the napkin suggestion board at the main entrance of Sharples
indicate in those instances where they don’t  degenerate into illegible
scribbling and demonic symbols.  When Gazette reporters asked Helen Newman
’04 what she thought about the new bar, she replied, “Yo, this is the best
thing that they’ve ever brought to- OH DEAR GOD PLEASE GET THE INSECTS OFF
OF MY SKIN!!!” before collapsing on the floor and going into convulsions.

If the new Drug Bar turns out to be popular in the long term, the Lord
Himself may consider replacing Wednesday and Sunday nights’ pasta bar with
His new offerings.

*****

* Rumsfeld denounces Europe, Asia as “Old World”

In a press conference at the Pentagon Monday afternoon, Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld criticized the countries of Europe and Asia as belonging to
the “Old World” and refusing to keep up with the changes that modern society
demands. “While many of the countries have been our friends and allies in
the past, they have become complacent in their position and no longer
actively seek out the new technologies and participate in the activities
that make our world a better place,” Rumsfeld said. He continued by noting
that there is a clearly established 500 year tradition in which the
countries of North and South America create new technologies which are then
copied by the older “stagnating” countries.

* France remembers second world war, joins coalition against Iraq

In a startling turn of events French President Jacques Chirac apologized on
Monday for forgetting the second world war. In a speech before the French
Fast Food Association, Chirac said, “At first I didn’t understand what all
of this hullabaloo about ‘freedom fries’ and ‘freedom dressing’ meant, but I
woke up in the middle of the night yesterday with the realization that I had
forgotten the second world war!” As soon as he arrived at his office the
next morning he convened an emergency meeting of his security advisors to
discuss the matter. Only a short time later the decision was made that the
country needed to join the coalition against Iraq because, only a short time
ago, the French had been deprived of their right to self government and were
only able to attain it once more with the assistance of the American people.

* Deadly end to Middle East peace conference: Sharon, Arafat double suicide

President Bush announced in an internationally televised press conference
yesterday that a top secret Middle East peace summit being held at Camp
David ended in tragedy when organizers returned for the third day of talks
to find Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat dead in an apparent double suicide. A
joint suicide note was found, which preliminary analyses indicate to be
genuine, in which the two men stated, “It had never really dawned on us how
many people we were hurting, and the irreparable harm we were doing to the
entire region. When we realized that we could not bear the pain any longer,
and simply had to end our lives for the good of others.”

* Art Quick announces presidential bid, declares field “not competitive
enough”

On a public access cable show central New Jersey resident and noted
independent bookstore owner Art Quick announced his candidacy for the 2004
Democratic presidential nomination last weekend. Said Quick, “I just did not
feel there were enough people running for the office. The citizens of our
nation deserve to have a pool that reflects a diversity of opinions on
political issues and I just did not feel that they had that with the number
of currently declared candidates.” Political analysts lauded this move
saying that Quick’s small town roots and complete inexperience in politics
will be key selling points with disillusioned urban voters.

* Greenspan warns “get out while you can!”

Following a controversial speech before the New York Daytraders Association
Monday morning in which Alan Greenspan warned investors that the market
“continued to have significant excess capacity” and “was still a little
overvalued” in his opinion, the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 900
points, or approximately 11%. Asked why he made the announcement now
Greenspan commented, “I just couldn’t maintain the charade any longer. This
is not an easily corrected blip in the market and I needed to come clean.
Too many people were being hurt.”

* Pelosi & Daschle: double taxation must be eliminated

In an abrupt about-face, Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle made a statement Monday announcing a new
commitment to the elimination of double taxation for all Americans. In the
statement, they announced that they would be introducing new legislation
into the house and senate respectively that would completely restructure the
tax system to eliminate double taxation. The key component of the new plan
is the immediate cessation of all tax collection by the federal government.
Said Pelosi, “I think it is immediately clear to everyone involved that all
the money in circulation has already been taxed once, and when we continue
to tax it, it is the second, third or even tenth time the same money has
been taxed. It is clearly an unfair and unjust exercise of government
authority.”

* Steinbrenner announces Yankees to take year off “to rebuild”

In a surprise press conference after the Yankees opening game last night,
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner revealed that the team would be taking the
rest of the season off “to rebuild.” Said Steinbrenner, “When we finished
last season without a victory in the World Series and without even the
American League pennant we had to ask some tough questions about our ball
club. Many of you may have read the expose in the Onion which revealed our
plan to win this year by signing every player in Major League Baseball. When
that failed we tried to maneuver for the win by signing more starting
pitchers than we could ever need, but after our performance last night it is
clear that the team needs to take the entire year off to rebuild. We will
return next year with an even stronger, deeper team and I am sure the fiasco
we observed last year will not happen again.”

* Pope announces he’s no longer Catholic

Pope John Paul II revealed in a statement read by one of his top aides
yesterday that he no longer considers himself a Catholic. As written in the
statement, “At this point in time on my spiritual journey I have decided
that my beliefs are more in line with those of the Unitarian Universalist
Association than the traditional Roman Catholic Church.” Religious leaders
around the world are unsure what this will mean for the structure of the
Catholic church, although the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams,
has said that the Anglican church would be glad to step in and fill the
leadership vacuum if the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church desire that
they do so. Unitarian churches around the world are reporting a sharp
increase in requests for information about the church and its beliefs. It is
unclear what effect this announcement, when combined with the doctrine of
papal infallibility, will have.

* SARS “just a fad,” says Rumsfeld

More areas in Asia were placed under quarantine today due to the outbreak of
the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS), a deadly new virus responsible
thus far for 58 deaths worldwide.  Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld immediately
dismissed the reports, saying that SARS had absolutely no bearing at all on
the war in Iraq, which he billed as the only important news of note.

* Bush plan works perfectly, President says, “Like, duh!”

Saddam Hussein was killed in raids on Baghdad on Monday night, and by the
time the Gazette went to press on Tuesday morning a flourishing liberal
democratic system had established itself in Iraq.  At a news conference this
morning, President Bush nodded sagely and said, “The results of this war are
just as I and my diviners had predicted.  Now we shall bring peace and
enlightenment to Syria and Iran, and soon all of the Middle East!”

* Translation goof leads to resurrection of Bourbon Dynasty in Iraq

Late last night, the United States was revealed to be mistakenly installing
a French monarchy in Iraq rather than bringing liberation to the oppressed
people of the country.  The US military was reportedly confused by the name
of the operation, “Iraqi Freedom,” which in modern political parlance
translates to “Iraqi France.”

*****

Levitate for Peace
All day Tuesday

Physics Colloquium: Don’t worry, you’re not smart enough to understand
DuPont 133, 4:30 p.m.

D&D gaming session
Co-sponsored by DU and Phi Psi, Parrish Parlours, 5:00 p.m.

Assimilation into the Collective: Students with last names F through H
SCCS Media Lounge & Neural Refitting Cluster, 7:00 p.m.

One-sided “Debate” on the Latke-Hamantaschen Issue
Scheuer Room, 7:30 p.m.

Faculty Panel: Profs Who Love to Hear Themselves Speak
Friends Meeting House, 8:00 p.m.

Diversity Week Event: College Republicans Meeting
Parrish Parlors, 9:30 p.m.

Fists of Fury Movie Night: Another Ridiculously Violent Japanese Movie
Kirby Lecture Hall, 10 p.m.

Student Council Meeting: Who will resign tonight?
CRC (and what the hell is the CRC?), 10:30 p.m.

Official Declaration of Independence from Swarthmore College
ML, 11:00 p.m.

*****

SPORTS UPDATE: Are you still reading? Why???

At an all-campus collection last night in the Friends Meeting House,
President Al Bloom and the Board of Managers revealed that the cancellation
of the varsity football and wrestling programs, as well as the downgrading
of badminton to a club sport, was nothing more than an extended April Fools’
Day joke played on the entirety of the college community.

“Oh my gosh, you should have seen the look all of you had on your faces when
we made the announcement four and a half semesters ago!” choked out Bloom
between fits of laughter.  “We had it perfectly set up and everything – the
Board and I didn’t make the announcement, but instead we let it leak out
through other sources to make it look like we were really being serious-
HA!  It was beautiful!”

The announcement of the cancellations in December 2000 led to numerous
student, parent, and alumni protests over the following months, and
ultimately caused several students to transfer to other colleges so that
they could continue to play football elsewhere.

The student reaction to the revelation was somewhat mixed – although most
students when questioned exuded the same air of apathy that typifies any
discussion about athletics, some were pleased to learn of the Board’s
announcement.  “This is incredible!  They even destroyed the football field
and had it renovated just to perpetuate the illusion!” exclaimed Melissa
Brown ’03.  “It’s sheer comedic genius!”

At the collection, Bloom stated that football, wrestling, and badminton will
be returned to their pre-December 2000 status at the beginning of the fall
semester.  He also hinted at the possibility of the Board pulling more such
pranks in the upcoming school year, this time potentially involving student
clubs, academic departments, college residence halls, or even the lives of
individual students.

*****

Swarthmore College received “Most Improved” honors for an athletic program
at the Centennial Conference Awards banquet held Monday evening. Accepting
the award on behalf of all of Swarthmore sports was Bob Williams, who last
week stepped down as athletic director after sixteen years at the helm.

“It’s always an honor to win an award like this,” said Williams, “but to
have won it nine years running – I think it says a lot about where we are as
a program and where we’re going.”

Added Williams, “This is something special.”

The night had its disappointments, however, as Swarthmore was unable to
repeat as winner of “Most Spirited”; the award this year went to Bryn Mawr
College.

Williams graciously acknowledged, “Certainly we weren’t able to ‘bring it’
this year as we have in years past. Hopefully this will motivate next year’s
teams to reclaim what has long been a Swarthmore tradition.”

*****

In response to years of complaints of inadequate and dangerous field space
by the men’s and women’s ultimate frisbee teams, the administration has
allotted them new fields. “It’s an ideal space for ultimate,” says new
athletic director Adam Hertz. “The fields are open, free from debris and in
a dry area.”

The new fields are on a plot of land in western Kansas that an alumnus left
the college in his will. Along with the land, the alumnus, Eric Janser ’45,
gave Swarthmore several pieces of his original artwork, most of them
watercolors depicting the mating rituals, and associated feelings of guilt
and superfluity, of the rare pyprilea salamander.

Ultimate frisbee captains James Hann ’03, Micheal Adder ’04, Bill Saunders
’03, Dane Kim ’04,  Addam Hirstein ’03, Gil Mennan ’04, Jill Brownstein ’03,
Meghan Ladderman ’04, Anni Plirer-Brinker ’03, Sara Alvarez ’04, Lee
Czyczieck ’05, and Liz Munoz ’03 expressed their conflicted ambivalence
about the new fields.

In a statement printed in biodegradable ink on recycled whole grain paper,
the ultimate team stated, “After much debate we wish to express our
gratitude to Mr. Janser. We have concerns about sustainable transportation
to and from the fields, but need more time for deliberation before we feel
comfortable and open enough to state our feelings to the rest of the campus
and engage in meaningful debate with administration and the student body.”

In response, Hertz said that the administration has formed an ad-hoc
representative sub-committee to exam the issue more closely. There will be
fireside chat on Tuesday to gauge student opinions that will ultimately be
ignored. Pizza will be provided.

Dean of the College Bob Gross spoke to the issue of transportation to the
fields saying, “We are aware of, and appreciate, the students’ concerns
about transportation. However, if the tennis team can get itself to Japan,
the frisbee team should have no problems finding a suitable and mutually
satisfactory means of conveyance to the mid-West.”

Hertz admitted that the tennis team has a wealthier alumni network than the
frisbee team, but expressed confidence that “there is a frisbee alum
somewhere with a VW bus the team can borrow.”

Al Bloom, now fearful of retaliation in response to any athletic decision,
could not be reached for comment.

*****

Today:
Cycling Club vs. Senior Citizen Drivers: Who will win?
Drunken Boxing Tournament – Pub Nite, 9 p.m.

Tomorrow:
Extreme Swimming Championships – Crum Creek, 8:00 a.m.
Misery Poker Showdown – McCabe, 7:30 p.m. (Rebroadcast on ESPN2 at 2:00
a.m.)
Me vs. Your Mom – Her Place, all night long

*****

LAME QUOTES OF THE DAY

“You guys suck.”
–The Phoenix

“Oh yeah… well at least our sex isn’t just in a column.”
–Us

“Ooh, you tell them son.”
–My Mom

*****
.
Interested in reporting or writing for the Gazette? Bullshit. You’re lying.
Don’t lead us on like that. It’s not nice. Really. We mean it. Go away.