Tuesday, April 1, 1997

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

The Daily Grind

Sweatmore College
Tuesday, April 1, 1997
428 Served

NEWS IN BRIEF

1) Masturbators unite

2) Housing Committee creates new special-interest housing options

3) World news round up

SPORTS IN BRIEF

1)  Inner tube water polo incites fear in frosh

2)  Free-ballin’ on the track

3)  Tonight’s and tomorrow’s contests

NEWS REPORT

1)  Masturbators unite

A group of Swarthmore students was so impressed by the statistics in last
week’s Phoenix article about masturbation that they have decided to form a
new student council-chartered organization.  The umbrella group, aptly
titled SMUT for Swarthmore Masturbators Unite in Therapy, will focus on the
myths and stigma commonly associated with masturbation.  One of the
founding members explained that “SMUT’s objective is to bring masturbation
out of the shadows and into the mainstream.”

SMUT, along with its sister organization Women Against Cruel and Kinky
Offers From Freaks (WACKOFF), will be encouraging students, faculty, and
staff to show their support for the masturbation cause by daily wearing
green ribbons.  Other planned activities include bringing Dr. Jocelyn
Felders to campus and a masturbation awareness month.

The leaders of the two groups have high hopes for the future and comment
that they “see a real place in popular culture and society for national and
international masturbation support groups.”  They reassure the Tri-Co
community though, that SMUT will never forget their humble beginnings at
Swarthmore.

*****

2)  Housing Committee creates new special-interest housing options

Sex-free and alcohol-intensive halls top the list of new housing options
for next year, according to Mert Eastfal, Director of Residential Life.

Housing Committee has decided to offer sex-free halls, whose residents will
promise not to engage in any sexual activity whether alone or with others,
because “students who want to escape Swarthmore’s pervasive culture of sex
need a supportive environment,” Eastfal said.

Few students seemed interested in living on a sex-free hall. “It’s not like
anyone is having sex on the other halls,” said Sylvester Plants ’97.

Eastfal said Housing Committee will also offer an alcohol-intensive hall
for students who require frequent drinking every day to relieve stress. The
plan was inspired by the success this year of Parrish 3rd West, whose
residents have enjoyed, in senior Dan Sakker’s words, “one long, damn
rockin’, drinking spree” this year. Eastfal said alcohol would not
officially be provided with school funds; she plans to turn in fake
receipts for $200 worth of pretzels and pizza every week.

Students interested in living on either of next year’s special-interest
halls should contact Eastfal via e-mail to meastfa1@swarthmore.edu for
more information.

*****

3)  World news roundup

SCIENTIST CLONES SELF, ARGUES OVER AUTHORSHIP OF RESULTING PAPER
British scientist Ian Wilmot has dramatically improved on his previous work
cloning sheep by cloning himself, sources in Wilmot’s lab said Wednesday.
But it’s not clear when an article describing the historic experiment will
be published, because Wilmot and his clone, also named Ian Wilmot, can’t
decide who should be listed as first author on the paper. The first Wilmot
wants to be listed first because he figured out how to do the experiment.
But the second Wilmot says the whole thing would have been a failure
without his efforts, so he should be listed first. Sources in the lab said
the situation will likely be resolved by cloning a third Wilmot who can
cast a tie-breaking vote.

This world news roundup was not produced by Swarthmore Radio News, because
for once in their lives, the editors of The Daily Gazette got off their
behinds and wrote about world news themselves.

*****

SPORTS UPDATE

1)  Inner tube water polo incites fear in frosh

Holding the threat of a mandatory season of inner-tube water polo over
their heads, Cheri Gotcha, intramural coordinator, forced dozens of hapless
Swarthmore frosh to run in the final Frozen Foote race of the season last
night.  As many as 23 students subsequently complained of severe frostbite
to Worth Health Center, but none apparently regretted the experience.  “The
consequences were too terrible to ignore,” said Marc Swift ’00.  “I had to
run.  Besides, I got a long-sleeved T-shirt out of the deal.”

*****

2)  Free-ballin’ on the track

The track and field team ran their annual dual meet against Haverford last
Saturday completely naked in an attempt to revive the spirit of
sportsmanship and friendly competition between the schools.  “I ran so much
faster without clothes,” said Bocky Risque ’98.  “I felt so free.”

The only obstacle to overcome was how to affix numbers to the runners’
bodies.  One solution was offered by senior captain Eric Fatyouare, who
promptly led a session in zazen meditation to alleviate the pain of safety
pins.  Times and performances were not significantly better than any other
meet, said coach Fred Dixon.

*****

3)  Tonight’s and tomorrow’s contests

TODAY
Dash For Cash in Parrish at 1 p.m.
Baseball and softball will play each other at 1:30 p.m.  One of ’em’s gotta
win.

WEDNESDAY (2 April)
Football competes against the winner of the baseball/softball game.

*****

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The Daily Grind
Bored Editors
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The Daily Grind is published once a year by an imaginary group of Sweatmore
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We now return you to your regularly scheduled monotony.

Copyright 1997 by The Daily Gazette.  All rights reserved.