Living & Arts

Fulfilling all your fantasies: new ideas for a new season

In print | April 9, 2009

Wake up. It’s spring. You’ve suffered through an entire winter of blistered lips and butt-chap. You willingly let the School Dashboard mock you with its bold warning, “COLLEGE IS CLOSED,” while you sank knee-deep into the snow on your trek to the Science Center. I am a prophet, sent here to shake you out of your comatose slumber — a state unique to high performance academic live-in settings, induced by continuous overexposure to obligatory assignments, testing and evaluation. Symptoms include increase in anxiety, and loss of sensitivity to one’s surroundings. Most specifically, the afflicted lose their acute sense of sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound. A sickly Swarthmorean is characterized by a type of “tunnel vision” in which the afflicted paces swiftly to and from class, eyes glazed over, making stops only at places of consumption and defecation. These automatons do not stop to talk to “friends,” they do not linger in Kohlberg Coffee bar; rather, they adopt a robotic gait in which arms swing at an awkwardly rapid, (yet highly efficient) rate that propels them from classes to bathrooms to dorms and back again in record time.

Is this you? Unfortunately, automaton syndrome can creep up on even the coolest of the COOLEST kids at Swarthmore, no matter how often you wear the same outfit or how infrequently you shave. (A simple all-nighter could bring upon the disease, or forgetting to change your underwear will do the trick). The point is that we as Swarthmoreans have so many tools at our disposal to lead exciting, satisfying lives. Are we using them? Are we fulfilling our fantasies, throwing caution to the wind or making mischief? The following list is meant to gauge just how much adventure you have sought at Swarthmore, and will serve as a friendly guide for how to get out of the rut and put some spice in your sex life.

Disclosure note: The following list is hypothetical and purely imaginative. The content is fantasy and in some cases, if enacted, would not be legal.

1.) Sex outdoors: If you’ve never tried this, you’ve yet to relish a natural life experience. Swarthmore is an arboretum, which means many things; tampering with its sacred plethora of plantae could get you arrested, but all risk and environmental ethics aside … Imagine yourself slipping down to the ampitheatre one night when the moon is out and the air is warm. You and your partner could be from any era. Time is irrelevant. You are naked; only the earth is beneath you. The cold needles of grass prick your back below you, and the soft skin of your partner warms your body from on top. No distractions. No thoughts about your respective lives, and no cues from the modern world. This is a secret shared between two people and the natural environment surrounding them. Should any intrusion enter, however, you would have to RUN.

Less risky venues of a similar nature include the Crum Woods, and various rooftops around campus. I would not advise anyone, however, to climb into the tree-stump hole on the path leading to DU; you are setting yourself up for scratches and a pulled hamstring.

2.) Sex on a chair: This is a delicate subject because you will need the right seat for this one. I’ve yet to try anything on the standard-issue rocking chair: too scary. You lean back too far on one of those things and you see your life flash before you. No, you have to carefully select the seat for your ride, or else you’ll end up somewhere you didn’t want to go, or you just won’t get off the ground. So, first and foremost, find a chair with stretchers, which are the horizontal beams/braces that support the chair’s framework and that lie at about the midpoint of the legs. This way, when you sit down atop your partner, arms around his neck, gliding your inner thighs back and forth over his lap, you’ll have a beam on which to rest your feet. Otherwise, they’d be dangling there and you’d have no leverage. Now you can push off of the beams enough to bounce up, down and in every which direction.

The best part about sex on a chair is the intimacy. Facing your partner, you envelop each other, his hands on your hips, yours latched tightly around his entire upper half; the curves of your body envelop him, leaving not an inch of space between the two of you. A rhythmic motion guided by the hips sends you both a mind-numbing burst of pleasure in which you both get the sense that — for a second — two have become one.

3.) Sex on a desk: The trend, if you haven’t noticed, is to take advantage of the elements at your disposal. Sex on a desk can be really, really hot in a number of positions. In most seasons, the surface of the desk is going to be mildly cold, and so laying someone down on the chilling wood is going to be stimulating and hard to tolerate for the first few seconds, but when countered with the touch of a warm body, it can be very sexy. One of the most stimulating positions for a woman is laying back-side down onto the desk and lifting her legs up, while the man enters her, standing upright. The angle is great for hitting the G-spot, plus the cold surface of the desk will send enough chilling signals down your spine to drive you mad.

Another hot way to do the desk is to have the guy bend his beaux over the front of the desk, entering from behind. Now he is free to slide his hand up and down his partner’s back, dig his nails in, or pull hair if desired. The receiver can spread his/her arms out and grab on to the sides of the desk as tight as he/she wants, or reach back and bring the partner in close for a moment. Certainly, different positions lend themselves to different types of sex (i.e. intimate vs. carnal; fucking vs. loving), but ideally, a thrilling and balanced sex-life would include characteristics from a wide spectrum of sexual genres.

A woman cannot ask herself if she has lived based on whether or not she has had sex outside, on a chair, or on a desk. Rather, the point of this column is to ask its readers to delve introspectively into the discussion: “Do I have fantasies? What are they? Do I make time for them? Have I fulfilled or am I fulfilling them?” And to go beyond that: what is your next fantasy? And how do you plan to realize it?

Amber is a senior. You can reach her at email address removed at the request of the author.