Living & Arts

Communication is key

In print | March 26, 2009

Often times in my sexual experiences, I have run into what I like to term a “communication snafu.” In my earlier sexual experiences, especially, I was not quite comfortable directing the bedtime action. These so-called mishaps were generally characterized by some sort of rubbing or licking that didn’t feel particularly pleasurable, but not quite odious enough to say, “Hey get off of me, you fool!” I can recall being stuck in limbo, not liking or disliking the events in motion, but thinking to myself, “Should I say something? Should I not? What would I say? This is weird …” I have since realized that good communication leads to good sex, and since then, I have also realized that good dirty talk leads to better sex (heyyohhhh!).

Nary a more awkward series of fiascos have befallen my experience than the first few times I received cunnilingus. I remember just laying there, like a paraplegic without her escape straw. The only difference was that I could feel every touch, every languid move of tongue, every alien stimulus. My body seized up, and I was a block of Popsicle with two immobile sticks for legs. Daring not to let a murmur escape from my lungs, I pondered up at the ceiling tiles, counting the speckles, and wondering how long it would take for my partner’s jaw to go numb. I would die before they could make me talk!

A friend of mine once recounted how her boyfriend at the time, while administering cunnilingual services, would approach her vagina so hesitantly as to dart his tongue out like a lizard, and then upon first contact, his face would wrinkle up in a grimace, and he’d whip his neck back as if recoiling in fright. One time, she told me, “He got me so close that I nearly shoved his head into my vagina, and then I think he started to cry.”

So why are these first-time experiences so uncomfortable? Probably because we are all too hesitant to communicate verbally. If I had not reverted to paraplegic mode, for example, and had instead let a “yes,” or a “yeah,” slip out, then my boyfriend would have sensed when things were getting good and would have eliminated the motions that I did not respond to.

On the contrary, there is a point at which communication can be too explicit. I am by no means proposing a solution that would look like the role-play between a sexual-health counselor and a 15-year- old, but if you want to end your night in classic Swattie style you could always say:
A: Let’s have a talk now: I was hoping that you might administer fellatio upon my erect penis. How does this make you feel?
B: What the fuck is fellatio? You have a boner??? Ewwww!!!!
So because using verbal terms, when done incorrectly, can be a buzz-kill, once you’ve read each other’s signals enough to be on top of each other consensually, it’s now time to consider talking. It may even be time for some steamy bed-time narration. Nearly any type of communication — when done in the right way — not only can be a turn-on, but also will alleviate any trace of awkwardness. Talking, moaning, oooh-ing, ahhh-ing, it all lets your partner know (1) what you like and (2) what drives you up the wall —what makes you grab onto your bedpost and drive your teeth into your comforter because if you don’t you just might scream.

If you’ve never hooked up with this person before, you probably want to ease into it. It might not make sense to immediately thrash around violently like you’re escaping from prison when the man’s just trying to perform a simple job here. No, some direction would be more appropriate: tell him what you like. Whatever your style, go with it; being natural comes off more genuine. If you are inspired to let out a soft moan, go for it. If he’s just not doing it for you, tell him, “I really like it when you (insert something related to the clitoris here). And when things really get hot and heavy, that’s when one of the most fun parts of sexual interactions comes into play: talkin’ dirty, baby.

That’s right, I said what I said. The first time a guy ever referred to his “big cock” directly to me during sex, I’ll admit that I was floored. My first thought was, “Is this for real?” But if you let your imagination run with whatever scenery you may be verbally conjuring up, you can make sex twice as sensual and stimulating. I’ll disclose here that my experience with bedtime narration has been far better (and far more ample) with those partners that I had been with over long periods of time, and would not suggest that someone try this on a one-night stand. The point is: you and your partner are having the exact same thoughts at the exact same time, creating a sexual scenario together, while you’re already engaging in a sex-act. Example phrases might go something like: “You feel really good …” or “Do you like it when your big, hard … ?”

So communication neophytes need not set out dropping “p-bombs” and talking about “big and nasty” hard objects right away, because there is a spectrum of useful communication for every scenario. I simply had the desire to recount some of my hilarious novice sexual experiences, and perhaps help the rest of the Swarthmore community make their future experiences a bit more comfortable, straightforward and steamy as a sauna. Just remember, though: don’t be afraid to talk, and when you talk, talk dirty.

Amber is a junior. You can reach her at email address removed at the request of the author.