Living & Arts

First Mr. Swarthmore pageant a royal success

In print | April 19, 2007

On April 13, a glittery runway split Upper Tarble while Swarthmore students, parents and faculty struggled for space. Signs shouting slogans like “Boy Meets Attractive” swam in the crowd and everywhere was the rumble of excited speculation. Welcome to the Mr. Swarthmore pageant.

The first annual Mr. Swarthmore was organized by Ladies Soiree Society co-founders Claire Melin ’08 and Jessica Hamilton ’09, who started LaSS “to equalize the social scene [and] to create solidarity between girls, allowing girls of different ages and groups to meet,” Melin said.

The pageant aimed to show what LaSS was about and to create “a sense of school spirit,” as well as to support a good cause, according to Melin. All proceeds went to the American Cancer Society.

“We thought it was a great idea that would involve a lot of the groups on campus,” Melin said.

The competition had five sections in which contestants earned points from the judges, Counseling Associate Tom Elverson, Registrar Martin Warner and Associate Dean for Student Life Myrt Westphal. With 15 contestants each representing different campus groups, the night promised to be a hit.

Formalwear

Finger guns and exaggerated winks ran rampant as contestants strutted down the runway in their evening best. The lone female, Amber “Arthur” Viescas ’09 (Mr. SWIL), sported a cape, while Twan Claiborne ’07 (Mr. Rhythm N Motion) opted for a slick leather jacket and Mark Loria ’08 (Mr. Orchestra) added class with a wine glass.

Swimsuit/Tropical Wear

Most contestants opted for trunks, although others threw caution and, in the case of the hula-skirted Raul Ordonez ‘09 (Mr. Basketball), leis, to the wind. Doug Gilchrist-Scott ’09 (Mr. Swimming) bared all in a polka-dotted speedo and Jon Petkun ’07 (Mr. College Democrat) drew envious murmurs as he displayed shapely legs in a women’s blue one-piece swimsuit and stilettos.

Viescas bypassed the swimsuit dilemma with trunks and an open Hawaiian shirt. “The whole ‘open-shirt’ thing took some getting used to, as well as the pain associated with the necessary duct tape,” she said.

Despite facing the disadvantages of being the only female, such as needing extra prep time, Viescas was unfazed.

“I thought less of gender differences than of ‘class’ differences being a SWIL member among a lot of sports and frat guys,” Viescas said.

Talent

Preparation of talents ranged from a few days (for Viescas) to over two weeks for Patrick Christmas ’08 (Mr. Soccer). For his talent, Christmas played Guitar Hero blindfolded, eliciting hoots of “No waaaay!” from the audience.

“I play [Guitar Hero] a lot and it occurred to me that I could play sequences without looking at the screen,” Christmas, who practiced the song several times a day, said.

Both Alan Walsh ’07 (Mr. Volleyball) and Jesse Handler ’09 (Mr. Lacrosse) sang and played the guitar. Dylan Smith ’09 (Mr. Baseball) assembled a saxophone and launched into a solo that Westphal noted as one of her favorites of the night.

Dressed in black, Ordonez followed his own advice when he belted out Ricky Martin’s “Shake your Bon-Bon” and shook his way into the audience’s hearts with a mostly improvised routine.

“When I realized ‘Shake Your Bon-Bon’ was an option, no one was going to change my mind,” Ordonez said.

After revealing a penchant for shower singing, Andrew Loh ’10 (Mr. Badminton) appeared in a towel and erupted into a rendition of “Ave Maria” that earned a standing ovation.

“I had expected positive reaction, but not enthusiasm of such magnitude,” Loh said. “My vibrato was controllable, I didn’t screw up audibly, the audience loved me [and] my towel didn’t fall off.”

Petkun stripped to the now-infamous blue one-piece to perform a stirring “patriotic ribbon dance,” and Andrew Kozco ‘07 (Mr. Delta Upsilon) recreated Napoleon Dynamite’s dance in a “Vote for Pedro” T-shirt. Saeed Ola ‘07 (Mr. Student Budget Committee) moonwalked to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal” in a white tux.

Jonathan Ference ’07 (Mr. Phoenix) delivered a monologue from “Miracle,” telling the audience, “You were born to be hockey players, each and every one of you!” Fletcher Wortmann ’09 (Mr. Boy Meets Tractor) recited an original poem “Carnival of Ass” after “reading lots of Proust” which began “I have seen the best minds of my generation and they are spectacularly unattractive” and ended with “Maybe I am just a piece of meat, just another slaughtered haunch in this carnival of ass.”

Question and Answer

After announcing the top five semi-finalists, Petkun, Ola, Smith, Gilchrist-Scott and Ordonez, the judges asked each contestant two questions.

Ordonez faced jeers when he answered that if he could change Swarthmore, “I would have the three of you teach all my classes and have Full House seasons one through nine playing 24 hours a day at Tarble,” but felt the hecklers were “immediately silenced by the electrifying conclusion of my answer.”

During this portion, Westphal unleashed her inner Simon Cowell, reprimanding Smith that, “It’s not just about you!” when he answered his perfect date would be Wrestlemania.

“I was working with these two gentlemen who would never stir up the pot so I felt it was left to me to be a little teasing,” Westphal said, noting she may have “come off a little too hard.”

Surprise, Surprise

The announced surprise event had the top five contestants run into the audience to collect as much money as possible in three minutes. Ordonez came up with the highest amount, with over $250. According to Westphal, this event weighed heavily in the win since all the contestants were fairly close in points.

One in a Million

Thanks to his performance in the second half of the competition, Ordonez secured first place and a feathered tiara.

“The best moment of the night was getting the crown and having my teammates lift me up in jubilant celebration,” Ordonez said. “It was heartwarming to see so many people give money for a great cause and see that everyone had a great time.”

“Any event that helps that brings awareness to such a charitable organization and what it’s trying to do is always a good thing,” first runner-up Ola said. “People still come up to me all the time telling me how much they enjoyed the show.”

Mastering the pageant response, Ordonez plans to use his newfound Mr. Swarthmore title by “being a living testament to the fact that dreams come true.”

LaSS made a total of $1,084 from collection jars and the surprise event.

Melin felt that LaSS achieved their goal, both of raising money for the charity and of creating a sense of school spirit.

“It was so rewarding seeing the different groups get together to cheer their fellow Swatties on,” Melin said.

Disclosure note: Fletcher Wortmman, Jessica Hamilton and Jonathan Ference are members of The Phoenix but had no influence in the production of this article.