Living & Arts

300 women proposed to, vaguely disconcerted

In print | May 1, 2003

I spent this semester dating many and various Swarthmore women to find the one that would consent to be my lifelong partner. It was a learning experience, and I feel like we’ve all grown a little. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

But by the time you read this, the semester will be all but over. Sad, I know. It was a good little semester that treated us well. But time rarely stops, barring the occasional apocalypse. And, boy, do I know about apocalypses! Whoa, baby! Heyo! But that’s hardly the point. And dates took too long. So, in my final act as that-Phoenix-guy-trying-to-get-married, I proposed to more than 300 women in an epic marathon of love.

Now, those of you who have read the article before^1^ know that I have a tendency to exaggerate a little. Embellish, if you will. Make some shizat up, you might say. But what I am describing in this article actually occurred, in its entirety, including all of the quotes and actions reported. I am not making this up.^2^ Besides, 300 women can back me up.

On Sunday, April 27, 2003, assisted by Neal Dandade ’06 and Sam Berger ’05, I proposed to more than 300 women. I accompanied myself on the guitar, using a simple yet suave repetition of E minor and A minor.^3^ I proposed to every female on Parrish Beach, proposed in Sharples for the duration of the dinner operating hours, proposed in Tarble for a while and proposed door to door in Parrish and Willets. My partners helped me tally the results, and I have the final numbers for you now.

Out of 300 women asked the question, “Will you marry me?” 63 said yes. 237 said no. Also, as a side note, two requested to marry Neal, and Neal’s girlfriend asked for Sam. The first woman asked was Tanya Hahnel ’05, whose answer was a resounding no. The first acceptance was Devon Voake ’06, who has requested a ceremony in the amphitheater. Early estimates predict that, of the women who accepted, very few would have said yes without the guitar.

Some women had more to say than the straightforward “yes,” “no” or “death first.” Here are the highlights. Remember, each response came directly after the question “Will you marry me?”

“How long am I stuck with you for?”

“Only if you promise never to talk to me.”

“I’ll say yes if you buy a cinnamon roll.”^4^

“Why don’t you marry Topanga?”^5^

“Sure. Also, a bird pooped on my plate.”

“Are you good in bed?”^6^

“How tall are you?”^7^

“If you were to convert, I’d consider it.”

“Can we work out a prenup?”

“I don’t actually believe in marriage.”

“I will marry you in seven years if you remain chaste.”^8^

“I’m not drunk enough.”

“You have to wear this promise ring. It’s been difficult to continue to pimp you out.”^9^

“Hey, you should go see the Boy Meets Tractor show this Friday!”^10^

It was also pointed out to me that, if I select a wife by lottery, I could be the Myrt of love.

So there it is. I’m not sure I could recommend mass proposals as a reliable dating method, but it was certainly an adventure. The kind of adventure with pirates. And a big storm. And battles. I’ve learned that getting married is not a small deal. Marriage is more like the New Deal in that it promises greater economic opportunity and involves FDR. A solid marriage is not built on one date alone. A truly healthy union of two soul mates for a lifetime commitment of caring and mutual respect can only start with friendship and an ability to communicate that transcends everyday patterns.

On the other hand, I’m not doing anything later, and that shirt really brings out your eyes.^11^

1 You RULE.

2 Shout-out to Dave Barry, whose style I’ve more or less ganked.

3 And the occasional G. G’s a killer. Works every time.

4 Which I did. It was good.

5 I AM NOT BEN SAVAGE.

6 Like you wouldn’t believe.

7 Tall enough.

8 I put her promptly in the “no” column.

9 Kate Nelson-Lee, thank you. I love you.

10 Good point!

11 The end.

Ben Camp is a sophomore. E-mail him at bcamp1@swarthmore.edu.