Editors’ Note: In the spirit of April Fools, all questions in this edition of Swat Says refer to campus occurrences that are completely false. The true, deceptive nature of these questions was only revealed to unsuspecting interviewees once all of them had been answered.
In her final year as president, Val Smith has recently announced that, as part of an effort to make the campus more pleasant, hospitable, and visually appealing, she will be employing a “targeted strategy to dramatically reduce the population of squirrels” on campus. How do you feel about this?
Simone Gingerich-Boberg ’26: I think I like our squirrels, they are cuties.
Ada Reddington ’28: I think there are other measures that could be taken that would have a more dramatic aesthetic effect than removing our poor squirrel population. Perhaps taking down the construction would be more effective. Also, I think squirrels add to the aura and the fantastical atmosphere of our college.
Adrian Duran Rey ’28: Is that real? Oh, it’s April Fools. [He said after Nasrin was super convincing in suggesting Rey missed an email.] I like the squirrels. I like all the little critters around campus. If they wanted to make it nicer, they should get rid of all the damn construction.
Raven Richardson ’26: If that is what fills her heart with content and pleasure, then I guess. I think there are better things to do. I barely see the squirrels. I say leave the squirrels alone.
Lisa Farley ’26: I think that there are bigger issues at hand. I don’t think they are bothering anyone.
Charlotte Dustin ’29: I haven’t thought much about the squirrels on campus, other than that they’re cute. I work at Crumb and the squirrel is our mascot, so I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess … as long as it’s not a complete extinction of the squirrels, maybe that’s better.
Kori Pavao ’28: A squirrel ran up on my boyfriend yesterday, like ONTO him. [Rafi: So, you’re in favor?] No, I’m not in favor, although I did realize the squirrels have been weird recently. I’ve been to other college campuses and the squirrels are chill. But here they’ve been skinny; they’ve been wild. But still I think that they belong here — I think that a campus without wildlife is sad. And they aren’t really bothering anybody. Except for my boyfriend, but that might be his problem.
Aseer Hares ’29: Well, I’m sort of neutral about it. I guess the intentions are there; she definitely has good intentions, and I think that’s what’s important. But I’m not entirely sure whether this plan will go over well. I haven’t really thought over stuff like this project. If that can be avoided in any way, or there’s any way to minimize the damage to the squirrel population, I think that would be good.
Starting next year, as part of Swarthmore’s To Zero by Thirty-Five plan, all lights around campus will be turned off after 10 p.m. and candles will be used as a source of light. How will this initiative affect you? Do you support this change?
Raven Richardson ’26: Are we getting gaslit right now? [Nasrin: There was a whole press conference about it. It is super controversial.] Kudos to the people who will be here.
Lisa Farley ’26: Is this real? I won’t be here so … it won’t affect me. I am a supporter of the To Zero by Thirty-Five goal. In terms of candles, I don’t know how efficient that will be. I hope they consider other options.
Ada Reddington ’28: Disclaimer, I fully support every initiative that will help us be sustainable. However! That is a fire hazard. Secondly, we know Parrish Hall burned down once, we don’t need to make it happen again.
Simone Gingerich-Boberg ’26: I’m just gonna sleep, really obviously. [Ada Reddington ’28: You’re not gonna be here, you’re graduating.] It’s gonna be like a first collection everyday.
Adrian Duran Rey ’28: I support it. I think it would be a great change. To get rid of the light on campus.
Charlotte Dustin ’29: That’s very Mary Poppins, Scrooge of them. I’ve never worked with candles as a light source before, so I don’t know how that’ll affect me. Maybe it would add to the atmosphere. Although, I’d probably still lean against it if I had to say.
Kori Pavao ’28: I think that reducing electricity usage is obviously important, but light is important I think, in general. Even for your mental health and ability to get things done. So I’m not sure I’m in favor.
Aseer Hares ’29: I’ve heard that artificial lighting is more harmful than warmer light from candles which might be somewhat nicer, but I do think it would be a bit of an inconvenience because it would be overall darker.
The Phoenix Editorial Board is performing in Battle of the Bands this year, will you be supporting and do you have any song recs?
Adrian Duran Rey ’28: I think you gotta go classic, you gotta go with “Pony” by Ginuwine. [Interviewer: will you be supporting us?] Shit, if you perform that, sure.
Ada Reddington ’28: Yes I will be supporting and you have to perform this “This Girl is on Fire” because it is like The Phoenix. [Raven Richardson: I don’t have anything else, that is perfect.]
Simone Gingerich-Boberg ’26: Well yes, I will be supporting.
Raven Richardson ’26: I would be willing to support. I have not been to the Battle of the Bands or Worthstock. Do I have any song recommendations … I don’t know.
Lisa Farley ’26: I would say Eye of the Tiger and the Thong Song by Sisqó. Those are my top two. I feel like since I gave recommendations I have to support. I will be there.
Charlotte Dustin ’29: I don’t know, maybe some rock would be cool … some Marty McFly electric guitar type stuff. Get the crowd hyped.
Kori Pavao ’28: I don’t even know. Let’s say No Hands by Waka. You should play that. [Rafi: If we do, will you be in support of the Phoenix to win?] Yes.
Aseer Hares ’29: Well, yes sure I’ll definitely support the Phoenix. But I think there are a lot of paths to go with an event like that — just getting the message out there. Just from a personal standpoint, I think you should do some rock or metal … maybe some 2010s indie pop too.
Swarthmore is bringing back its football team, and we already have some transfer recruits from UMiami. What are you going to do to welcome the new recruits?
Ada Reddington ’28: I am personally going to volunteer with the Rhythm n Motion dance company to be the stand-in cheerleaders. We will be doing flips, splits, and twerks at the opening game.
Simone Gingerich-Boberg ’26: I’ll be gone. How do I swing this to say they should give LPAC more money instead. Why football if you can just build a new dance studio.
Adrian Duran Rey ’28: I probably wouldn’t be too nice. I hate UMiami. I grew up in Florida. Bring some SFU players, not Max, he is a terrible coach.
Raven Richardson ’26: I feel like we need that, lowkey. We need that type of energy. Hopefully they are good people — good guys. If we have a football team, we would have more school culture and better vibes.
Lisa Farley ’26: I’m not really a big football fan. I guess we can welcome them with open arms and support them. You know the whole reason why I guess we lost our football team was because they were so bad. I hope the new recruits can step it up.
Charlotte Dustin ’29: I feel like that would be a massive proportion of our school population if we had a football team because they need like a hundred people. Yeah, I guess I don’t really care. I did marching band in high school, but I don’t know if our football team would be up to that caliber.
Kori Pavao ’28: It affects me very little, because I don’t go to any sporting events. I guess I’m in support because it’s weird that we don’t have football but I think they should consider what it means to bring back football and the culture that it creates. I think the sports teams all need more support on the behavioral sides of things, and this wouldn’t help that. I think it would make it worse.
Aseer Hares ’29: Well, football is not really a favorite sport of mine, but I do think that would be beneficial to Swarthmore — catering to the athletic side. That’s the area where I think Swarthmore is outshined by other places, so this could put Swarthmore on people’s radar.
How does it feel to be pranked?
Ada Reddington ’28: This is crazy cause I have been pranking people everyday! Wait, are you guys not going to be performing at Battle of the Bands?
Simone Gingerich-Boberg ’26: I figured. No [Ada Reddington ’28], you were believing it. I looked at you and I was like…
Adrian Duran Rey ’28: Oh my God, I had no idea. I just got duped. Conned. Schemed. I can’t believe you would betray my trust.
Raven Richardson ’26: Yeah. Once you said football team, I was like ‘What?’ And the thing is, I check my email everyday. I think it was a good prank.
Lisa Farley ’26: Yeah, it was a good prank. You guys did good.
Charlotte Dustin ’29: Wow, that was evil. I was like, there’s no way this can’t be real — especially the one about reducing the population of squirrels. I got pranked.
Kori Pavao ’28: Wait, all of those were fake? [Rafi: Yes.] Oh good, so there’s no more football team. Yayyy.
