The Swarthmore CO-OP is the gastronomical lifeblood of the borough of Swarthmore. Since its opening in 1937, the community-owned food market has provided quality goods to all community members, from fresh produce to specialty selections and prepared foods. Though the CO-OP has always boasted a dizzying array of esoteric items, it never dared to branch into the field of alcoholic beverages — that is, until a few months ago, when the indoor seating area was replaced by shelving units stocked high with wine, beer, and distilled spirits. Following the massive success of this new initiative, the CO-OP has decided to restock the entirety of the store with alcohol instead.
Establishments in the Ville must abide by some of the strictest alcohol laws in the country, mandated by the borough of Swarthmore, Delaware County, and the commonwealth of Pennsylvania. To flee these draconian laws, those in pursuit of intoxicants are often forced to venture to far-off locales such as Delaware. As such, the availability of alcohol in the CO-OP has been nothing short of revolutionary. Like the creation of the Panama Canal, the newly boozy CO-OP has opened up new vistas of inebriation for Ville residents and Swarthmore students alike.
Since the introduction of alcohol, customers have thronged outside the CO-OP at unprecedented levels in search of the coveted elixir. This surge in sales has been a lifeline for the terminally cash-strapped grocery store, which has struggled for years with decreasing profits. The cost of stocking such a vast quantity and variety of items and maintaining daily operations has often exceeded the revenue from a shrinking clientele that is increasingly drawn to cheaper, corporate alternatives such as Giant and Target. The introduction of alcohol, however, has flipped the co-op’s dismal fortunes and raised profits to previously unimaginable levels.
“We took a huge risk entering this new market, but our members and customers love it,” said Denise Roberts, president of the board of the CO-OP. “In fact they love it so much that we’ve decided to gut the entire store and replace it with craft brews and IPAs that are even more disgusting and indie than what we currently have to offer.”
“We know that people might have some concerns about demolishing the produce section,” Roberts said. “But this loss will be more than made up for by our brand new IPA section, fully stocked with classic favorites such as ‘EraserHood Hazy,’ ‘Big Gunz,’ and ‘HopDevil,’” she said.
In a recent announcement on the CO-OP’s Facebook page, Roberts placated customers worried that the character of the CO-OP would be irrevocably changed.
“Our zany aesthetic and family atmosphere is the most valuable aspect of the CO-OP, and we will never change this vital aspect of our identity,” Roberts reassured. “The alcohol that will replace our entire inventory will be just as ridiculous, frivolous, and needlessly expensive as the products that we currently offer. The only difference is that our new line of products will get you trashed, in addition to costing you more than six times the normal price at any other comparable grocery store.”
This explanation was (for the most part) adequate and helpful to doubtful customers, such as student Isaiah Travers ’21.
“I guess it kinda sucks that I won’t be able to buy fair trade goji berry infused chocolate that costs $8.99 anymore?” said Travers, “but at least the money I’d save should almost be enough to buy a single bottle of Hogs Back Brewery Rip Snorter, so that’s cool,” he said. Though one 5% ABV drink would not contribute much to his planned inebriation that night, he figured that if he skipped Sharples dinner to drink on an empty stomach, it might offer just enough of a buzz to mildly enjoy an evening of Zoom study break activities.
