Trelawney's Horoscopes To Get You Through Another Thanksgiving

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

It’s the time of the year again where you sit down, feast with unrestrained gluttony, and give thanks for all that you’re thankful for. Considering the year that it’s been so far, I imagine the giving-thanks part of dinner will pass rather quickly. Nonetheless, as some of you return home to some unpleasant family members or stay on campus with no cooking skills under our belt, you’ll be in need of some guidance from this week’s horoscopes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There will almost certainly be some trouble in your travel plans. It won’t be anything too bad, but it’s best to be careful in these times. Drive slowly, keep your possessions close to you in the airport, and don’t mention politics to the person sitting next to you for the ride.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You might not be with everyone that you’d love to spend Thanksgiving with, but it certainly helps to give some loved ones a call or a message. Know that you’ll be missed by friends and family alike.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Prepare yourself for very invasive questions from your family. Are you seeing anyone yet? How are your job prospects looking? Do you know what you’re doing after Swarthmore? At times like these, it’s best to smile and not cry.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your cooking skills are just as bad as you think they are. It’d be best if you didn’t try making anything for Thanksgiving and instead, bought something from Target and tell everyone that you made it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

When giving thanks in front of everyone at the table, make sure to single out the good things that your loved ones do for you. Choose your favorite three people from the table because if you do all of them, it doesn’t mean much now does it?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Hey look, it’s Thanksgiving break and you’re right, the important word in that is “break!” Lies. If you really think this is a break, then you’re gonna have a hard time going into finals this year.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While you shouldn’t pass on turning in any of your essays or showing up for your exams, it’s totally fine and acceptable to skip your other classes this week. You won’t be able to skip the final week of classes so it’s best to do it now.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t think too much about all the calories you’re taking in during Thanksgiving. After weeks of complaining about Sharples, you finally have some good food in front of you so don’t let this opportunity go.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Politics will obviously brought up in your polite dinner conversation over Thanksgiving, and that’s when it’s best to be just the opposite–not polite. Let them know what’s good.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

There is a huge bargain waiting for you on Black Friday, but it’ll only be there if you put in the effort to. So say goodbye to your family and friends just a few hours before Thanksgiving, set up camp outside of your favorite store, and later revel in the fact that you saved $50 and avoided another unpleasant Thanksgiving.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You deserve to take this time to spend it with the people that you sometimes don’t make enough for. Go out for a Thanksgiving parade, spend the day cooking with them, or indulge in wine (and only wine) for dinner with friends.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your hands have a special touch of culinary talent this week and seeing as how you never cook, this might be the best time to get it a shot. Skip out on the usual mashed potatoes and try something that isn’t a mushed-up vegetable.