Presidential Candidates Have Horoscopes Too!

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Actually, you should probably know upfront, I will not disclose the results of the election in my prophesies. Though, it might be worth looking into the horoscopes of your Muggle presidential candidates (Clinton is a Scorpio, and Donald is a Gemini–as expected). Instead, as I do weekly, I will use my gifts to guide you on your life choices this week and warn you of challenges to come. I’m happy to say that this week, for most of you at least, is looking good.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Do you remember when you started this school year, you promised yourself that you’d start getting breakfast? Well, now’s the time to start. Sharples may offer the same array of eggs, fruit, and some sort of unhealthy pastry everyday but that’s no reason to skip on a bright start to the work ahead of you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you’ve been holding back on telling your good friend a piece of your mind, let them know what’s good. Chances are, they’ll be all ears, open and willing to hear you out. Plus, there’s no reason to continue putting up with them drinking all your alcohol without chipping in.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When work becomes a little bit too much to handle, take a step back and care for yourself. Now, I’m not saying to skip out on your classes or anything but…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Hey, would you look at that, we’re almost at the end of the semester and what does that mean? Papers and finals! Your professor knows you haven’t started your research, I know you haven’t started your research, and, most importantly, you know you haven’t started your research. Hit the library or you’ll regret it later.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will lose an election of sorts.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I understand not making your bed because, hey, you’re going to sleep on it tonight too. But you’re laundry is piling up, you haven’t taken out the trash, and those sheets have a mysterious odor to them (?). Cleaning will be your productive procrastination this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Whether or not you’re a party person, your social life is looking especially bright this week (but only if you jump on the opportunity). Go out and dance your heart out at Pub Nite or host a special themed event for your close group of friends! Something, like, a post-election party!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

For some odd reason, when we grow old it is no longer normal to have tickle or pillow fights with your friends. But we are still children in many ways, and this particular activity will bring you and your friends many laughs.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Week after week, you check your mailbox and realize that no one has sent you anything. This will continue. But, you will make someone’s week if you send them a small gift or random tidbit reminding them that you care about them. They’ll appreciate your friendship so much more for it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will win an election of sorts.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You might be without any sort of artistic talent, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun doodling and painting. Your creativity needs to be let loose, even if it’s just for a session of finger painting. If you’re up for more of a challenge, a few hours on a still life project might suit you better.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you’ve realized lately that you no longer enjoy a certain activity or pastime, it’s time to be real with yourself and let go of it. Doing so will relieve the pressure of having to go and open up time to pursue other interests and leisures (i.e. ever wanted to start running?).