The Seven Screw Dates You May Have

4 mins read

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Don’t know what to expect on Saturday? From the good to the bad to the super awkward, we’ve laid out all the possibilities. Here’s the seven types of Screw dates you may find yourself paired with:

1. The Potential-Bae Date

On October 3rd, you asked them what day it was. The back of their head is ridiculous. You like them. Your friends decided, with or without your not-so-subtle suggestions, to set you up with the person you’ve been pining over for the past three months. But do they like you? This is the time to woo them with the expert flirting skills you’ve honed at Olde Club. Just be sure to pee around the table to establish your dominance and stave off other potential competing partners.

2. The Pleasantly Platonic Date

You could be in a relationship, or just “trying to focus on yourself.” All you want is a nice friendly dinner. While the next couple over is removing each other’s costumes with their eyes, you’re just looking for the fancy new salt and pepper shakers. It’s ok, though, because while friendships last forever, so do STDs.

Pro-tip: avoid getting the intimate booths at Sharples: leave that to the Potential-Bae dates. Otherwise, you’ll just send the wrong message to your Screw Date and set them up for a broken heart.

3. The McDreamy Date

You’ve never seen this person around before, but yowza—they look like your next mistake! The conversation is sizzling, but you can’t wait to take this conversation to a Kohlberg lecture room.

4. The Rando Date

They brag about their YikYak karma, mention Swatties you don’t know, and keep bringing up memes you’ve never heard of. Their experiences at Swat seem totally alien to you…do they even go here? How did your roommate even find this person?

5. The Unfortunately-Just-a-Friend Date

They’re funny, smart, a good conversationalist: could this be a budding…friendship? It definitely can’t be a romance, because they have a significant other. But that’s cool! That’s totally great. I mean, friends are awesome. Right?

6. The Awkward Turtle Date

This date is not meeting you halfway. You asked them how they were enjoying the chicken patty grilla, and they mumbled something before the conversation lapsed back into silence. After a few more tries of conversation, it’s clear this is going nowhere fast: not even The DG’s handy list of questions could salvage this. At some point they mutter something about getting water and leave. It’s been 15 minutes–where did they go?

7. The Troll Date

Wow, looks like your roommate screwed you with…your other quintmate! Or your least favorite person in your Orgo lab! Or the person you hooked up with two weeks ago and haven’t talked to since! Isn’t your roommate hilarious? Don’t worry, just passive aggressively manifest your anger by sexiling your roommate.

Featured image courtesy of www.karabakh-open.com.

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