Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
Seeing as Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, we decided to take this week to our happy, happy place and celebrating one of our favorite art forms: that blissful moment when mouth meets genitalia. Need we say more?
As I sit back and recall fondly the moments in which this column was born, I can’t forget a conversation my pal Annie and I had on a snowy night last winter. For over an hour, we gushed (no pun intended) about our love of oral sex. We both may or may not be self-proclaimed head addicts. I prefer going down on a woman to almost any other activity. To be honest, I don’t know how much of this column is going to be me actually imparting any advice upon you and how much is going to be me trying to contain my excitement. SO! To begin, I’m going to try to attempt some structure. Here are three pieces of advice…
1. LISTEN: This is rule number one of almost any sexual act, but it becomes particularly salient when your lady’s pleasure is the main attraction. All that it takes to be really good at a little clam jam? Listening skills. If the girl you are going down on exhibits any of the following signs: heavy breathing, some sweet sexy little moans, phrases like “don’t stop”, etc., you probably shouldn’t stop. You’re probably doing a great job. However, if she’s dead silent, or actively asking you to do something different, you should mostly definitely heed her requests. Remember, this is about making HER feel good. And you can’t do that without actually knowing and listening to what makes her feel good.
2. Try not to get intimidated: For some reason, our culture loves to propagate the idea that vaginas are mystical caves of wonder. While this is true for a lot of reasons, this does not mean that they are unable to be explored with any deftness. It is okay to be nervous, it is okay to be worried about doing a wonderful job. However, this in no way means that you can’t perform! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Refer to rule number one if you need help. Listening is the best way to make someone cum. Even if you have no idea what you’re doing, talk to her, ask her questions, try something. If it doesn’t work, hopefully she will tell you what does work. And if she doesn’t know what works, then you can learn together! There’s nothing like a little sexy trial and error to make everyone laugh… and get off.
3. Don’t fall victim to the idea that this is a chore: this is simply false. If you are not 100% thrilled to be giving your lady some lovin’, you simply are not worthy of everything she has to offer. Going down on a girl is an absolute privilege; she has made herself pretty much as vulnerable as she possibly can. Taking on this responsibility can be one of the hottest things that enters into your sex life. Speaking from personal experience, it’s often way easier for me to get off when I’m going down on a girl than it is when I’m in the hot seat. Something about feeling completely in control of the way someone else feels, and knowing that every move I make could be the one that tips the scales absolutely drives me crazy. There’s nothing like knowing you’re the reason someone is moaning–absolutely nothing.
Having sex with men has given me the often unfortunate task of introducing individuals to the what Joy has mentioned as the “mystical caves of wonder.” Based on the experiences I’ve had with these menfolk, the vagina must truly have been a source of mystery for pretty much all of them. Giving the goods with your mouth is an art form, and one that undoubtedly takes time. Seeing as I’ve already proclaimed myself to be somewhat of a giving-head expert earlier in our column’s tenure, I guess I should speak to that a bit too. Let’s dive right in to my pieces of advice, shall we?
Not to be repetitive, but I’m going to have to echo Joy’s “LISTEN”, here. To all you guys looking to make your lady happy: listen up. Most of you THINK you know what you’re doing; most of you 100% don’t. And that’s totally okay! The vagina isn’t quite as easy to figure out as the male member, so experience is the best teacher here. THAT BEING SAID, your lady is definitely the expert on this. You are not. Don’t take it personally if you hear “no, go slower”, “gentler”, or “that’s my leg”. Remember that this is a learning process and that any constructive direction you may receive is for the purpose of your partner’s enjoyment, not a personal attack!
Though men seldom know their way around ladyparts well enough to meet my expectations (to my boyfriend: you’re the exception, don’t worry!), as I’ve already discussed in previous articles, I love becoming familiar with my partner’s member. The added bonus with working with baloney ponies is that they’re fundamentally easy to figure out; there’s a pretty straightforward method to getting a guy off.
Joy’s advice rings especially true again here: Straight men, do NOT think that eating your girl out is a chore. Don’t you dare do this! If you think that doing going down on her is annoying, you’re kind of a jerk. Consider how much effort goes into a blowjob. There’s all that moving up and down, spit getting everywhere (including hair), and do I even need to mention gagging/deep-throating? Again, I want to make clear that these are all things I’m happy to do for the sake of my boyfriend’s satisfaction, but I also do not have time for impatience or reluctance. Nor do I have time for someone who after about 10 minutes of going down on me pokes his head up and says, “Heyyy so… How’re we doing up there? Close at all? Am I gonna be able to stop soon…?” Don’t be that person. Nobody likes that person.
As you can see, the both of us can definitely agree on a lot of things about going downtown. If you want to be good at making someone else feel good, listen to what they have to say. Remember, there is nothing wrong with getting a little direction. Embrace the partner who is willing to tell you what they like–this person is a gem who is willing to guide you to orgasm glory! As always, our takeaway here is: sex is about working together and reaping the benefits. Now limber up the jaw and get out there–you’ve got some practicing to do!