Fiction: At the party

Open up the longing I am offering you; give me that velvet you wrap around your head with sickening tightness; let me pull on the strands I see you left hanging off, so that you’ll look down at me and rip me apart, into shreds of your calm.

I watch you lie there on the bed, eyes glassy, fingers twitching as you gaze at yourself; my tongue wants to snap at you, my teeth bite, the anger and fear and fascinated horror in my little prim heart want a reason to stay.

She was a sunshine girl; but lolling black pulls her towards him, and I watch. My hair smells stale with smoke, its rough texture demands I take it with me, but the silence leaves me in milieu, in ambiance, in the quiet position of a pale face.

Color blends into snide expression and pride and nervous pleasure; this is where we all are at once, and do we hate each other a little bit? I can’t remember how I decided to be satisfied, but I’m laughing, I’m pulling you into my arms so we can dance among the clusters of insecurity.

Buy me a mason jar full of liquor so I can look at it and watch the amber color reflect on your pale arms and legs and animate your face. If you give it to me I won’t drink it, I’ll let you drink it, I’ll let you smoke away the promise of fire. Acknowledge that you are here with me.

If I pry my arms around another stiff back and shifting urgent vertebrae I will surely die; I will surely fall into the trap that says I must stay silent, must not ask questions, must not reveal I wasn’t here all along. You are surprised; you don’t care. You want me to go now, I’ll fall away from you.

I want to look into the hole that gapes between you and thrust myself there, I want to force a meaning into the emptiness that looks like it is full of time. Give it to me and I will transform it, let me knit a scarf of the illusion and wrap you up in it and bind you to me; be mine.

Hold the explosion; I can’t do it, it is coming out, it will demand things of you and of me and we can’t stop them. Coat me in velvet so I can’t move; feel the desire that oozes out of me towards you and scratches at your perfect face and cries into your little eyes because if you don’t it will consume reality in fantasy and I will lose myself to a kaleidoscope.

I step into an elevator and descend away, but I have to hurry and in my hurry I don’t leave everything behind; how do I leave behind the hurry? No one will take it from me and I refuse so rabidly to give it up. But I cannot keep it, I need you to have it.

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