Masturbation nation: keeping your privates, private

6 mins read

I don’t know about you all, but I am totally burnt out. And it’s only the third week of school. Seriously? As Swatties, we tend to put our school work ahead of most everything: sleeping…socializing…eating…breathing…sanity…and (of course) sex. But why? Isn’t sex a great way to relieve a little of the immense stress that we are under? Oh wait, but finding someone to fuck is difficult, especially when the other person has homework and/or a life (most likely the former).


Good thing you have hands!

If not, that’s what toys are for!

Still though. While you may always be physically capable of masturbating, there are other issues at hand here: not only do you spend four plus hours on homework every day/night, but you have a roommate (or two or three). It’s kind of difficult to get intimate with yourself when there’s that incessant, not-so-sensuous typing or yet another uncalled-for One Direction listening party*… or, you know, some person hunched over the desk right across from your bed.

Finding the time AND the privacy to masturbate may seem like a lot to ask for. But you’d be surprised. They kind of go hand in hand…in pants.

Maybe “finding” isn’t the right word to use. If you want to masturbate, you have to make time for it. Here are some different ways to get on with your “me-time”:

The Strategically Scheduled Method

A good time to masturbate is when your roommate is in class. DUH. I feel like this is not a very novel idea, because it should be pretty obvious. But I have to do homework because my roommate distracts meeee! …No. You know what’s really gonna distract you? Trying to read about fucking symbiosis when all you can think about is the last time you gave yourself a fucking grade-A orgasm. Now THAT is distracting. Just take a study break and get back to whatever it is you were working on.

Pros: If your roommate has class, There’s a good chance that other people on your hall have class, too. Why is this good? There will be less noise coming from the hall, AND fewer people to distract/hear you.

Cons: I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, but this isn’t the solution for everybody. Maybe you and your roomie have all of your classes at the same time. Or maybe you just don’t get horny during the day. After all, not everyone can masturbate on command (I know I can’t). I mean, you could get some inspiration online (please use headphones if there is volume), but you still might not feel like it. And that’s fine! There are plenty of other options, such as…

The Sexiling for Self-Indulgence Method

Remember a couple weeks ago when you made that roommate contract? And remember when you talked about sexiling? That part of the contract doesn’t only have to be for when you’re with another person. You are totally allowed to use the room for sexytime with yourself. Besides, other people suck. Well, except for when they’re sucking you.

Pros: Fairly simple/straightforward, and you don’t really have to tell your roomie that someone else is there (not that it matters). And you can do it at any time of the day!

Cons: Just don’t overdo it. Your roommate lives there, too.

The Adult Bedtime Story Method

If your roommate goes to bed before or at the same time as you, I guess you can quietly masturbate under the covers.

Pros: Easy. Also, sexual frustration tends to appear more when it’s dark out (who knows why). And then you don’t have to feel bad about kicking your roommate out of your shared space.

Cons: I mean … your roomie is literally right there. Even if you’re super discreet … your roomie is LITERALLY. Right. There. And that’s just kind of awkward. Also, your hands/sheets/toy will probably get anywhere from a little to very dirty, and you might not want to sleep with that shit.

The Lazy-but-Clean Multitasker Method

You shower, right? Have you ever thought about maybe adding a little something to your routine?

Pros: You don’t have to walk down the hall with dirty hands or a toy because you’re in the shower! Hooray!!!! And you can clean your dirty hands and/or toy right when you’re finished! YAY LAZINESS.

Cons: If you do use a toy in the shower, well, you have to walk down the hall with it. But at least it will be clean.

*One Direction is never actually uncalled for.

The Phoenix