The Weekender: How to Engineer Your Weekend

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Swatties, it’s almost the night you’ve all been waiting for: Saturday night, Swarthmore style. The legendary night of wild and glamorous celebration that gets Swarthmore ranked higher for its social scene than any other small, weird liberal arts college. Or than any Ivy League. Or than any state school. If you doubt that, your jaded view of Swarthmore social life is clouding your eyes to its actual splendor and glory. Granted, we must suffer through an absurdly lame Friday night during which McCabe is ten times more populated than any frat and the drink of choice is coffee, but don’t despair. Get your beauty sleep on Friday night. Get your cosmopolitan clothes ready. Get your calculators charged and your rulers polished, because it’s time for the ENGIN PARTY.

If you want to see the way of the legendary, visually stunning engin party, be at Olde Club by 10:00 p.m. Be warned that a PhD in engineering is probably required just to attend, because the level of talent going into the planning of this operation is top-notch. Don’t be intimidated, but know that not only will cool engin-like lighting, engine-style drinks, and crazy engineering-related music be present, but projectors and smoke machines will supply an unbelievable party environment. If you like to mix your business with pleasure, mix yourself a drink at the engin party this Saturday.

Some ideas for having really authentic, engine-y fun at the engin party are to get super technical and map out the physics of your dance moves beforehand. Trust me, you don’t want to be the odd one out who doesn’t know the velocity of their dance moves and is unable to maintain rotation axis when turning. If you can’t hold a conversation with an attractive individual at the engin party about the centrifugal force and dynamic balance of your body, your night is an official failure. You might as well go home and study your friend’s Statics and Mechanics of Materials all night and maybe you’ll be prepared for next year’s engin party. The cut and dry point is, you shouldn’t even bother going if you aren’t going to be able to drunkenly yet competently address complex engineering issues while surrounded by clever engineers.

If for some hideous reason you have not heeded the advice of this column and you do, in fact, find yourself a hopelessly mute presence in a venue full of sparklingly witty engineers, there is a last resort. Stand in a corner at Olde Club amidst the flashing lights and smoke, attempt to see/use your iPhone, and desperately Google something to the effect of “cool engineering jokes.” Surprise the next unsuspecting engineer with a smooth line like, “What do you say we convert our potential energy to kinetic energy?”

Bam. Love found and genius status achieved. May the rest of your days at Swat be filled with engineering, frantic Googling of facts to impress your newfound lover, and, of course, the academic stress that pervades every aspect of your life. So don’t let me down, Swatties. Forget your real homework and find time to study up for the engin party. To engineering!

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