The Weekender: Pointers for a Successful Screw with a Side of Irony

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

Happy Friday, Swattie socialites! You’ve successfully made it through another week of procrastination and complaints, and now the glorious weekend awaits you. A weekend at Swat is always packed with surprises and fun, but this Saturday night is going to be ten times the usual excitement. You ask why? Because of the cleverly-named Screw Your Roommate, of course. If you have any possible reason not to want to sit and eat in Sharples in front of a date somebody else picked for you and make small talk with them for twenty uncomfortable minutes before accompanying them to a semiformal and potentially being ditched immediately, read on and be convinced.

First of all, Screw is an event that anyone can participate in and it is a fantastic opportunity to make connections with new people. Think about it: there are so many people at Swat that you’ve probably never met. If you think you’ve met everybody on campus (which is likely) you may be pleasantly surprised to find that you don’t recognize your screw date (which could only be explained if your screw never ever leaves their room). But don’t be dissuaded by the fact that, if you don’t know your date, they are probably a Ville rat or a transfer student who arrived … today. Just spend a leisurely twenty minutes getting to know them and making a new friend.

Secondly, Screw truly isn’t about drinking and making a fool of yourself. After all, do you really want to make a drunken, embarrassing impression on a stranger who is there to get to know you? Wouldn’t it be better to soberly and painfully sit and attempt to talk to them? Alcohol is a social lubricant, to be sure; but Screw presents the difficult and incredible probability of having an uncomfortable experience whether or not you are under the influence. Let’s be real, you go to Swarthmore—how well do you honestly expect a blind date to go?

Perhaps most importantly, don’t forget about the Quaker Matchbox phenomenon. For every 15 people who go to Swarthmore, 2 of them will get married (don’t think too hard about what that means for you.) And, of the 2,958 of 19,295 Swatties who get married, guess how many met each other through Screw?* To be honest, I have no idea, but I have a pretty good guess: all of them. Every person who met their future spouse most likely met them on the day of Screw, making this event the most successful marriage-finder around. So if you’re searching desperately for your soul mate in a school with fewer people than your old kindergarten, you can find solace in the fact that you will probably meet them tomorrow night.

Happy Screwing!

*Numbers are approximate figures based on a 2011 Daily Gazette article.

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