Romney to Visit Swarthmore for Rally

In a surprise announcement that bewildered students, faculty and members of the college administration, the Romney-Ryan campaign has declared a public rally at Parrish Hall this Saturday. “There is no conservative like a Swarthmore conservative,” Romney said at a press conference. “These are people who have proven that they will support me despite my missteps, and that’s not something I can say too often.”

“Basically never,” admitted a visibly frustrated Romney.

Swarthmore Republicans reacted with a mixture of excitement and confusion to the news. “[Romney] called me yesterday to request that I form a committee to prepare for the rally,” said one student, who wished to remain anonymous. “I don’t know how to tell him that we won’t need to set up 500 chairs unless he brings Ann.”

Meanwhile, faculty members expressed cautious optimism at the prospect of a Romney visit to Swarthmore. “This will be an incredible opportunity for students to be exposed to new perspectives and meet an accomplished leader,” Economics Professor Mark Kuperberg noted. “Romney’s visit can only enhance our community values of openness and — oh forget it, can’t we just admit that we don’t like him any more than students do?”

The Romney-Ryan campaign announced a tentative schedule for the candidate, which includes a walking tour of the Scott Arboretum on Saturday morning. “Swarthmore is beautiful — the trees are the right height,” opined a relaxed Romney.

Following the tour, the candidate will make his appeal to Swarthmore students on the steps of Parrish Hall. A leaked copy of his remarks indicates that the speech will be titled “Colleges Are People Too,” a message apparently targeted at the Swarthmore Divestment Club.

The Romney campaign also revealed that the candidate will attend Swarthmore’s Pterodactyl Hunt on Saturday evening in an effort to show Romney’s appeal as an average, quirky Swattie.

In a statement, the campaign declared that the Republican nominee has already purchased a water cannon in preparation for the event. “No chance any pterodactyl gets me — I’ll tell you what, ten thousand bucks that I win? $10,000 bet?” offered an exuberant Romney in a conversation with reporters.

Perhaps surprisingly, the Obama-Biden campaign has quickly countered with a rally at Haverford College. “Pennsylvania is a bellwether for this election,” Democratic strategist David Axelrod claimed. “Our pollsters have determined that small, Quaker, liberal arts college students may be the new soccer moms — their votes will be the margin of victory or defeat for President Obama.”

In a press conference, Obama remarked that he does not just believe in the privileged 15% who were accepted by Swarthmore, but believes in all Americans who apply to elite liberal arts colleges. “I totally deserved to get in,” remarked an apparently still-bitter Obama. “My SATs were through the roof.”

Both candidates’ campaigns expressed disappointment at private polling that shows that 95% of Swarthmore students plan to vote for Jill Stein, the Green Party candidate.

To hastily prepare for the rally this Saturday, all event planning will be turned over to the LSE committee, which has been unable to secure funding for Romney and has instead invited Newt Gingrich to speak in Upper Tarble.

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