Uke the Screws: You Live in Willets

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

A bizarre, Screw-themed love song in which the “you” does not, in fact, live in Willets, and the “I” is not, in fact, me. Special thanks to Aly, Cameron, Chris, and Baby Seal for letting me serenade them.

You Live in Willets

From pregame to Paces, my heart had been chastened.
The sight of your face kept me lying awake and
I spent the night watching my clock trace the PMs to AMs.

From weekend to weekend, I noted no change in
The way I’d been feeling, so now I’m stuck waiting
For February 18 to change the way you feel about me.

You live in Willets
While I live on Cygnet,
Checking your digits
And hoping to visit.

I named my designs on you “The Taming of the Screw,”
But, love, am I the kind of girl to claim you
When every evening you just can’t keep the evening in?
I heard that you’ve been sleeping out while I’ve been sleeping in.

Screw your screwing! I’ll just screw my roommate,
Find her a costume and a man who will appreciate
How her mood meant his undoing,
How he just can’t do a thing ‘till its denouement.

You live in Willets
While I feel ridiculous
Knowing I know that
When it’s not my business.

Oh, how creepy is it?

You live in Willets
And if you’d just will it,
I’d be out my door
To your dorm in a minute.

You live in Willets,
And you get your thrill-ets
To save me from a fire
Just to fry my in a skillet.

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