Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
This weekend, the Board of Managers approved a controversial plan to cull the zombified deer currently proliferating in the Crum Woods. It is still unknown why the deer, which were thought to have been vanquished successfully this past winter, have risen again to terrorize the living.
Under the details of the plan, unhinged gentlemen with boomsticks will comb the Crum Woods after Graduation, blasting zombified deer until they are “definitely fucking dead,” recommended the Crum Stewardship Committee.
“The zombie deer have no natural predators, and are outcompeting every other variety of undead in the Crum,” Crum Stewardship Committee co-chair James Jambo said. “Soon, there will be no brains for any of the native psychophagic species that are a part of the Crum ecosystem.”
Furthermore, according to Jambo, zombie deer are also possible hosts for deer ticks, which are carriers of Lyme disease.
Campus necromancer Efram Bragden ’13, though, disagrees with the campus’ plan to eliminate the “differently-living” deer. “Why don’t we just shoot them with antiviral darts for the unholy affliction that causes their demonic transformation?” Bragden objected.
However, campus survivalist-scientist Argos Brack ’11 disagreed with Bragden’s disagreement. Brack cites studies in Nature Occultism and Developmental Paranormal Biology providing data that antiviral darts are only effective on zombie deer populations in certain types of forests—not including the Crum—and that antivirals are maximally effective when paired with a bloody, bloody cull.
“Besides, consuming their unearthly flesh can only make me stronger,” she said.
As per a concurrent change in Athletics department policy, sophomore students who are currently at risk of not fulfilling their PE requirement can receive up to two full PE credits for participating in the cull, assuming their survival.