Thursday, April 1, 2004

In a stunning increase from last year, all 762 students admitted to
Swarthmore regular decision have decided to attend. Adding to that the
155 students accepted in the fall and winter early decision programs,
the class of 2008 will include well over 900 students.

“I’m not really sure what happened,” said Dean of Admissions Jim
Bock’90, “Our yield for regular decision is usually a bit less than
30%–we were aiming for a class size of around 380 students. Well, what
can I say? Maybe Swarthmore has actually gotten some name recognition.
It certainly has made my job a lot easier–now I can just relax until
next year’s admissions season.”

In related news, Dean of Housing Myrt Westphal turned in her
resignation. According to coworkers, Westphal was found printing out
copies of her resume, muttering, “You thought there was a housing
crunch last year? Well this is a *$%&ing housing crunch.”

Currently, plans for dealing with the extra students include sticking
them in tents on Parrish beach, forcing professors to house them, and
if worst comes to worst, sending them to Skidmore and hoping they don’t
notice the difference.

However, some officials are hopeful. “We usually lose a few students
between now and August to ‘summer melt.’ Maybe a couple hundred kids
will get off the Harvard waitlist and decide not to attend. Or perhaps
they’ll realize that they’ve been tricked by all of our twisted
promotional material and opt to attend a school where students don’t
have a lackluster social life and an unhealthy workload,” said an
administrator who wished to remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, current students seem rather excited about the increase to
the student body. Notes Scott Johnson ’07, “In a class of 900, there
have to be some hot chicks… right?”

*****

A member of the junior class who identifies himself as a Comparative
Literature major and an Interpretation Theory minor found himself awash
in existential despair Wednesday night in McCabe library, as he
discovered he was no longer able to distinguish between reality and
interpretation.

“My friends always told me I had a head for analysis,” Snoo Bizzle ’05
said. “I was just doing some reading on the French Revolution when I
realized I couldn’t remember what level of interpretation I was
reading.  I’m pretty sure I learned about French history in high
school, but when I got here, it was one article after another… One
critic analyzing another…”

Bizzle’s problem only truly arose when he realized that everything was
being interpreted, no matter whether it was the Socialists
appropriating the French Revolution or his ex-girlfriend incorrectly
interpreting the meaning of an e-mail he wrote entitled, “I hate your
skanky guts.”

Unfortunately, Interpretation Theory minor chair Big Noggin said that
there was no way out of the endless cycle of interpretation.  “Our
committee is, in the end, nothing more than a mindf*ck,” he said when
asked for a comment.

*****

In perhaps one of the biggest shockers of the decade, the Writing
Center bought out fifty percent of Dining Services yesterday afternoon.
Most changes that will affect students will take place beginning
Monday.

The Writing Associates thought of the idea after a variety of new foods
began to be offered in the Writing Center. According to WA Wesley Honey
’06, “After we were served hummus, portabella mushrooms, and Chinese
food over the past few weeks, we really became interested in food! So
now, we can provide help with argument and nourishment!”

The Writing Center will be paying off Dining Services in installments
over the next few years. The deal went through after a promise that
Sharples would attract hundreds of new customers each year from the
“outside world” to taste the eccentric and yummy cuisine.

Next week, Sharples will add W-See bar to its weekly rotation as the
first of its changes. The bar will feature Pechenik pinwheel sausage,
the thousand veggie thesis burger (vegan), the three level approach
lasagna, well-transitioned tuna steak, and MLA melon sorbet (vegan).
All drinks and desserts will, of course, be provided by Wa-Wa. In
addition, the Writing Center will begin accepting points and will sell
a variety of snacks to those waiting for conferences. The cookies and
tea normally provided will still be for free, except for those special
students who bring their papers in at 10:30 p.m. when the WAs want to
go home.

Students can also be on the lookout for Writing Associates to hold
office hours in Sharples starting in the fall semester. The office
hours will begin as soon as a small room is added onto Sharples, which
will be completed as soon as the mahogany and obsidian come in from
Belgium and New Zealand respectively.

*****

At a statistics study session in McCabe late last night, freshman Peter
Adams found himself shocked when his advances towards tutor Melissa
Yang ’05 were blocked.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Adams said later, “I thought I was in!” Adams’
plan had called for him to put his arm around Yang’s shoulder and give
her a kiss, later handing over a note declaring his love. “All the
signs were there. She clearly led me on,” he bemoaned as he ripped up
his statistically-themed love poem, which began, ‘My love for you is
100%, with an error of +/- .00001.’

Adams then proceeded to recall the time when Yang made a move on him.
“We both reached for the calculator and she touched my hand,” he
reminisced, “and then she let out this cute little giggle.”

Yang had no idea what Adams was referring to. “Make a move on him? I
mean, I don’t even really know him… he’s just this silly freshman I
tutor in statistics once a week.”

Adams’ friends were not sympathetic. “We kept telling him this would
happen,” explained Jen Foster ’07, “He would come back to the dorm
every week after his study session and go on and on about how much
Melissa liked him. We kept telling him, ‘Peter, those aren’t dates.
It’s her job to tutor you,’ but he refused to listen.” Foster went on
to describe Adams as “a nice guy, but a huge nerd who has probably
never dated anyone and knows absolutely nothing about women.”

Fellow hallmate John Krauss ’06 agreed. “I knew from the start this
would go nowhere. Pete told me how he would ‘accidentally’ bump his
hand against her ass every week, or how he always got a good look down
her shirt when she leaned over to explain something. I’m surprised she
put up with him for this long.”

But despite the bitter rejection, Adams still has hope for the future.
“I know that Melissa will come around soon. I think she’s just playing
hard to get. But you know what? Even if it doesn’t work out with her, I
have a ton of other options. That cute girl at the reserve desk gave me
a coy smile as she handed me my book. And plus, she has a great rack.”

*****

In an anonymous interview this past Thermidor, one of Swarthmore’s
preeminent shuttle drivers came forward with a major confession. 
The driver, who shall remain nameless, spoke of how boring a job
shuttle driving is–except for the part on the route that involves
driving through the parking lot behind P, P, and R.

Said the driver, “I can’t help myself–whenever I drive through, I
always slow down and look inside every window I can.  It works out
nicely–most of them are very close to the ground.  I can tell you
what posters are on the wall of that corner room in Roberts and exactly
where the kitchen is in Palmer.”

The driver admitted to inciting vans full of ML-ies to cheer on rare
occasions when the van catches a glimpse of an amorous couple that has
forgotten to pull their shade down.  Asked if he thought PPR
residents might feel violated by this intrusion on their privacy, the
driver expressed a belief that some residents actually liked to put on
a show for him. “There’s this couple in that PPR area that I swear goes
at it in the window just to break up the monotony of my seven hour
shuttle shift.  I really appreciate it!”

It should be noted that peering into windows while driving is a rare
talent, and subsequently is not one that Joe Alberti, the College van
coordinator, checks for during van certification tests.

The interview ended with the driver begging this author to publish the
following statement: “Please feel free to flash, moon, or at least wave
to the van during (xxxx) shift!”

*****

In an effort to make Swarthmore more visible to the public, the
President’s Office has unveiled a plan to have the new cast members of
Real World Philadelphia work in the admissions office for the college.

“We are sure with their help, we are going to come up with a top-notch
set of young, hip and happening freshmen coming to Swarthmore for the
year 2009. Much better than the geeks we have now,” says Al Bloom while
paging through Spin Magazine.

The school first realized there was a problem when they had to hide
their students when Abercrombie and Fitch came to the school to do a
photo shoot for their new catalogue. “Our students were scaring the
models. They had never seen so many dorky people in one place at the
same time,” says Lucinda Wright from the Ministry of Information.

“I don’t know, man. It was like, wow. The girls didn’t even wear makeup
and like, some of them didn’t even shave their legs. I just wanted to
sit there and cry, man,” says Joey Scicola, Abercrombie and Fitch
model.

After the photo shoot was over, the school realized something had to
change. “Swarthmore may have used to be the Kremlin on the Crum but
that’s an image that needs some updating. Why can’t we be the Calvin
Klein on the Krum?” says Wright.

In an effort to help the Real World cast in their job as new admissions
officers, the Admissions Office has begun trying to streamline the
admissions process. “We decided to get rid of those time-consuming
essays. We are taking our cues from MTV itself. We are going to require
video taped interviews instead. Interviews will be held in front of
cameras in a “Real World Confessional” type manner. Greater emphasis
will be placed on wardrobe and accessorizing. Each candidate, I mean
applicant, will be ranked on a four smiley face scale,” says Bock.

*****

An objective survey completed by the Department of Statistics was
released yesterday, with the comforting finding that: “Yes, that kid in
your math class really does smell.”

Research director Professor Leyeing said that the point of the survey
was to determine whether “that suspicious natural science major who
always sits alone in the corner” really does have an odor, or whether
that is simply a perception projected onto him by his more social
classmates.

Leyeing said: “Sadly, we’ve found that yes–that guy does smell. He
doesn’t bathe regularly, and he’s not a big fan of deodorant. That
unclean smell that haunts you while you’re listening to lectures about
Differential Equations has been confirmed by independent sources.”

Student Guy Dap ’05 wasn’t surprised. “He’s always there…smelling up
the place. I guess he just never leaves Cornell, or whatever.”

The survey findings concluded with the statement that That Guy’s
unsociable nature and his odor are a vicious cycle that magically and
inexplicably seems to be evidenced in at least one student in every
natural science course at the College.

*****

Based on an informal study of his Psych 1 class from both the current
and previous spring semesters. Andrew Ward concluded that he is one hot
stud muffin.

“I don’t intepret, I just report the facts,” he stated, dressed in a
sharp suit and a beguiling grin. “And situations matter. Psychology is
an inherently sexy discipline, and who could fault a student for being
enamored with me? We’re not even on a shaky bridge–the situation and
my natural good looks are just too alluring to resist.”

Paula Linestone ’05 agrees wholeheartedly. “Just look at the way he
bounces around behind the podium. It’s so endearing..” She then sighed
and her eyes became heart shaped. Her friend Roy Cooper ’07 agreed.
“That is one fine piece of ass.”

Ward’s appeal extends even to those who are not normally sexually
attracted to males. “I do have a mancrush on him,” sophomore Mark Troy
admitted. “My girlfriend thinks he’s hot, and I can’t disagree.”

There is no news yet on whether Ward will publish his findings.

*****

In a surprise announcement last night, President Al Bloom said that
Swarthmore would end construction of the new dorm and, in fact, begin
demolishing it next week. The new dorm was scheduled to open in the
fall, and would have housed returning students but not freshmen.

Said Bloom, “We really couldn’t get the traction out of ‘The Meaning of
Swarthmore’ that we were hoping to, and when Gene didn’t come through
with the funding, we just didn’t know what we were going to do. I mean,
how long could we continue to call it the ‘New Dorm’ before people
realized the money just wasn’t there.”

Student concern about the housing lottery multiplied tenfold after the
announcement. Judy Schwartz ’05 commented derisively, “This year
they’re using that little building by the field house and those rooms
up on Whittier Place for housing. Maybe next year they’ll convert the
empty math/stat offices into doubles.”

Dean Myrt Westphal said that she did not foresee a problem with housing
for next year, saying that many schools house incoming freshmen in
triples, and it would not be a problem for Swarthmore to put bunks in
most rooms over the summer to allow for this option.

Bloom concluded his comments with a public appeal to students to help
find the funding, saying that if anybody could find a donor willing to
provide roughly 20 million dollars, the college would postpone the
demolition for another month in the hope that it would not be
necessary.

*****

As finals begin to loom, students are being sent to the health center
in droves. Known as the “Twitch” among students, the “virus” has been
incapacitating students, according to Worth Health Center. Nurse Betty
commented, “The poor dears just started coming in, twitching and
spouting incoherent formulas. We’re completely baffled by this.”

Common symptoms include some sort of tick or twitch and an inability to
control knowledge from spilling from the brain and out the mouth. Kathy
Bermuda, one victim of the horrible plague, could not control herself,
“Eequalsheighttimesdistance.  Nonono,thatisn’tright. 
Wait,yes,yes!”

Meanwhile, the Swarthmore administration is trying to keep this
outbreak under wraps. In an effort to “contain” this “accident,”
students are banned from contacting anyone outside of the Swarthmore
campus. Dean of students Tedd Goundie exclaimed, “Well, you know, there
already was a myth that Swarthmore students had a twitch! Imagine how
this would affect our public image, not to mention admissions
statistics, if people knew that the myth was actually true. We just
can’t afford that kind of serious situation right now.”

The internet and phone lines have been cut, in an effort to prevent
students from having contact with the outside world. According to Dean
Goundie, the college is also considering creating a Cell Phone Police
Unit. Alicia Gargoyle commented about the downed communications, “Oh my
god!  I can’t check my email! What am I supposed to do?”

Worth Health Center issued the following advice to students: “Watch
your symptoms. If they don’t get better in a week, or worsen, come
back. Maybe we’ll have more information for you then.” President of the
college Al Bloom agreed with Worth’s advice and further encouraged
students to “sit tight.”

*****

Swarthmore’s friendliest big guy, Big Joe Alberti, will soon be riding
in style.

Through an SBC loophole, Alberti has gained possession of one of the
College’s biggest vans–former fifteen-passenger workhorse #19. Public
Safety said in a statement that he will be granted permission to park
it on the lawn of Benjamin West house.

Though Alberti could not be reached for comment, sources say that he
has already had hydraulics installed–yes, the same hydraulics made
popular by 70’s movies with jumpin’ jalopies. Sources also have
revealed that the van has been outfitted with tailfins, a NOS system, a
99-disc CD changer, and a disco ball.

Said Owen Redgrave, director of Public Safety: “This is a safe campus.
Crime is at an all-time low; we figure the van coordinator should be
able to liven things up a bit. We promise that he won’t be cranking the
bass high enough to disturb dorm residents.”

Sources also say plans are in the works to have the van painted,
perhaps with a Scooby Doo Mystery Machine theme, or perhaps in a
Partridge Family bus pattern. Gazette staffers are working their tails
off to confirm the story.

Redgrave finished by reiterating that Swarthmore is a safe place and by
saying that students should not be concerned when the van that used to
drive volunteers to Chester rolls up to the Science Center during the
school day.

*****

* US officials are trying to verify the authenticity of a videotape
released Wednesday to news networks around the world. The tape shows a
man who claims to be Osama bin Laden announcing that he will
immediately end all actions against the US and other western nations.
The speaker goes on to say that he has recently had a religious
experience and converted to Christianity. The release of the tape
stirred controversy in Iraq, where religious leaders denounced the tape
as another “godless capitalist ploy” by the United States. The speaker
said that another individual would contact government officials in
Washington later this week to arrange a time for a meeting between
interested government officials from the western nations and bin Laden.

* Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat admitted in a joint news conference
yesterday that they are both puppets beholden to an unidentified Mafia
kingpin. Said Sharon, “it has gone on too long, and we just want out.”
The mafia kingpin ordered the two men to antagonize each other for the
past few years in order to maintain a constant market for a sprawling
underworld arms trafficking network making large profits from selling
guns and explosives to Palestinian terrorists. Both Sharon and Arafat
appealed for protective custody following the announcement, but sources
close to western governments say that one of the two has already been
assassinated.

* National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Wednesday that
she will testify to the 9-11 commission under oath in private or
informally in public but will not testify under oath in public. The
statement resulted in an immediate firestorm among political pundits as
liberals charged that the announcement was conclusive proof that she is
hiding something. Conservative pundit Sean Hannity responded to these
charges during his show saying, “clearly she is holding to this
position for reasons of national security. There are just some things
the American people should not know.” Since the release of former
counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke’s book “Against All Enemies”, Rice
has appeared on a number of news programs to attack his statements, but
has provided no documentary evidence to support her case. According to
Republican party insiders, the national committee is currently
considering a campaign to discredit Clarke by suggesting he is gay.

*****

Your Favorite Class

Anywhere, 8:30 a.m.

Kill Kill Kill the Animals (and Eat them!) Consortium

Sharples 6, 12:30 p.m.

Igpay Atinlay Anguagelay Abletay

Harplessay 5, 12:45 p.m.

That Really Hot Guy Who Never Rolls His Shade Down Gets Naked Before

Changing for Practice

Outside the north side of Mertz, 2:32 p.m.

Free Love. (’nuff said)

Parrish Beach, 3:00 p.m.

Bringing All Losers Love: Social Affairs Committee meeting

Kohlberg 229, 5:00 p.m.

“Host a Bryn Mawr Girl” Introductory Meeting

Admissions Office, 7:00 p.m.

ML-ies Invade Campus

Everywhere!!!!!!!!, 7:30 p.m.

Yet Another Film Screening You Don’t Care About

Science Center 101, 10:00 p.m.

“Care Bears” Watching Study Break

DU and Phi Psi lodges, 10:00 p.m.

*****

SPORTS UPDATE

Intramural softball participants were shocked on Sunday when the Mary
Lyon team “Cthulhu Ate the Morning Shuttle” ended up trouncing the
competition. The ragtag team, which is comprised of 15 ML-ers of
varying softball ability, overwhelmed the opposition 47-4.

“I’m really quite shocked, but very pleased,” admitted team captain
Rebekah Rosenfeld ’07, “There were about three people on the team that
had actually played softball within the past few years, but everyone
else…”

In order to prepare for the season, “Cthulhu Ate the Morning Shuttle”
held two practices, which consisted mainly of explaining the mechanics
of the game. “A few people had never seen a softball glove before, and
at least one person tried to run the bases clockwise,” explained
Rosenfeld, “but after those practices I felt confident that everyone
had a grasp on the game.”

She was proven correctly from the top of the first inning, when
sophomore John Murray stepped up to the plate and–after being shown
how to hold the bat–hit a home run. The ML-ers were impeccable in the
field as well, using gloves borrowed from the opposing team. “Catching
fly balls is actually pretty simple,” noted first time player Jonah
White ’06, “Using kinematics equations, you can easily calculate how
long it will take the ball to fall and how far it will travel.”

Members of the opposite team had different theories to explain the
loss. Argued Elizabeth Nelson ’06, “Those capes that they wore should
be against the rules-they were fluttering in the wind and really
distracted us.” Varsity baseball player Adam Wright ’05 had a different
complaint–“I’m used to hitting really fast pitches… those 2 mph
balls that their pitcher threw were really tricky.”

However, some people just couldn’t find words to describe the defeat,
like Matt Robbins ’07. “I mean, I knew ML-ers were good at games… but
I thought they meant *nerd* games, not like actual sports and
stuff.”

*****

This past weekend, the generally overlooked badminton team secured an
open admissions slot in a fierce competition. Grace Shuttle ’06
defeated members of seven other varsity teams in a no-holds-barred,
pro-wrestling style battle royale, which was held outside of the site
of “New” Dorm. The win came after Shuttle and members of the men’s
basketball, women’s tennis, women’s soccer, golf, men’s cross country,
baseball, and field hockey teams advanced to this round after taking
the top eight spots in the karaoke semifinals.

The match began with all eight competitors trying to run at each other,
but everyone fell down. It turns out that members of the volleyball
team, who earned ninth place in karaoke, tied everyone’s shoes together
while they weren’t looking.

Once this mess was cleared up, the athletes all cornered Johnny I. S.
Fast ’07 of cross country, figuring that the 300 pound speedster who be
difficult to get rid of later on. Fast was easily thrown over the top
rope and eliminated through this act of teamwork, but it was every
person for him/herself after this feat was accomplished.

Later, seniors and ex-roommates Leslie Swing and Ronnie Base, of the
golf and baseball teams respectively, went at each other. After using
all but technical moves, the two took big swings at each other but lost
their balance and were eliminated by Julia Ball ’06, of the soccer
team, with an amazing double clothesline! But Georgia Serve ’05 of the
women’s tennis team would later blind-side Ball and knock her out of
the competition.

The match became even more exciting with four competitors left as they
all jumped on top of each other. Junior Harry Hoops took this
opportunity to use his “Super Dribble” maneuver, from the top rope, but
Hoops misjudged and landed flat on the canvas. Shuttle took this chance
to eliminate the basketball star.

Sara Net ’07, of the field hockey team, teamed up with Serve against
Shuttle, using three double-suplexes followed by a series of elbow
drops. However, once it seems like the badminton team is down and out,
they come back and surprise you! That’s what happened in this match,
and Shuttle simply got up and body slammed her final two opponents out
of the ring. The match was surely exciting and proved that our Swatties
with birdies definitely are number one.

*****

After many years of not making many changes, the Centennial Conference
added a new varsity sport to its repertoire: the pentathlon. This,
however, is not your father’s pentathlon. In fact, it involves many
things that Swatties would be good at. The new sport will consist of
five events: the belly flop, aquatic problem solving, pole vaulting,
three-legged race, and action-weight lifting.

First, athletes will be judged on their splash volume and style in the
belly flop event. They will then move on to aquatic problem solving,
which involves basic problem solving while submerged in water.
Swarthmore students are very excited about this event as many have
experience with holding their breath from the Bio 2 diving response
lab.

Competitors will leave the water and take the field to do some pole
vaulting and will then team up to compete in a good old-fashioned
three-legged race. We know Swatties will be good at this because they
all are, of course, very coordinated and work together very well.

Finally, action-weight lifting will involve doing a variety of tasks
while doing minimal weight lifting. It seems like Swarthmore students
have been practicing for this one for years, as evident by all the
studying that goes on while students do their ten pound lifting on the
leg extension machines during their PE classes in Mullan. Dave Smith
’07 said, “I am so excited about this sport! I like the weight lifting
the most. I do a great job flexing and pretending to do the bench press
when those sweet ladies come by!”

Swarthmore will have pentathlon as a varsity sport starting in the
fall. To make room for this coed sport, the administration is going to
drop varsity men’s basketball, women’s ultimate, and the linguistics
department, just because they can. Tryouts will begin on Tuesday in the
tunnel by the train station at 4:00 p.m.

*****

Today:

Baseball hosts Boston Red Sox, 3:00 p.m. (who will win?)

Roberts hosts Palmer in pie eating contest, 4:30 p.m.

Tomorrow:

Lack of trust walk at Haverford, 5:00 p.m.

Danabug foot race, 7:00 p.m.

*****

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Rejected article:

“Gazette editor writes article while on drugs

An anonymous freshman writer is writing this while his world is
spinning because the Nyquil kicked in faster than he thought it
would………………………………………”

— freshman drug addict

*****

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