Monday, April 1, 2002

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

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The Daily Gazette
Swarthmore College
Monday, April 1, 2002
Year 6, Day 106 spent wasted in this thankless job

Where to send all the hate mail: daily@swarthmore.edu
Photos of the Day–the only thing people look at on the website:
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/daily/specials/april2002/
Today’s issue: http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/daily/

NEWS IN BRIEF (in no particular order)

1) Shocking results of new campus poll: Bob Gross found “bootylicious”

2) Gates of Hell to open on Parrish Beach, Swatties unconcerned

3) ‘Rally to End all Rallies’ held

4) Adult male badger admitted to class of 2006; deans flummoxed
at apparent “admissions mistake”

5) Giant penis affixed to front of Parrish

6) Swattie has sex; “Unbelievable!” says student

7) Iraq, North Korea, Department of Philosophy form “axis
of evil,” says Bush

8) Osama bin Laden joins Why War?

9) Art Department to offer the Dark Arts

10) SWIL treasurer becomes Level 26 Chaos Mage, learns Firestorm

11) Snood-aholics Anonymous opens chapter at Swarthmore: students
express
relief, hope

12) Phoenix, Admissions find Swarthmore #1 liberal arts college
for 80th
consecutive year

13) Timepieces in Publications Office set four days fast; mass
confusion ensues

14) Gazette plagiarizes student’s website, no one notices

15) Speaker to talk about something

16) Daily Gazette Reporter Injured By Flying Fruit

17) World news roundup

18) Campus events

SPORTS IN BRIEF

1) Swarthmore to add Ultimate Fighting Championship to IM roster

2) Last two Swat sports teams face-off for survival

3) World sports roundup

4) Today’s and tomorrow’s contests

WEATHER FORECAST

Today: Warm and wet. 58.

Tonight: Windows foggin’ up. 37.

Tomorrow: Ooh, baby, we’re hot. 60.

TODAY’S SHARPLES MENU

Lunch: Crap covered in gravy, crap side dishes, crap-substitute,
crap-textured artificial crap, crap pie, fried crap bar

Dinner: Rotting beef carcasses covered in blood juice, meat extract with
curdled cow byproducts, assorted fried animal limbs and organs, hot dogs,
haggis bar – Dinner sponsored by Animal Rights Coalition

NEWS REPORT

1) Shocking results of new campus poll: Bob Gross found “bootylicious”

Student Council announced the results of the recent class surveys, which
surprisingly included the almost unanimous student decision that Dean Bob
Gross was “bootylicious.”

“95% of our survey respondents agreed with this claim,” said Student

Council Co-President Liane Rice ’02. “And many added further commentary

concerning Dean Gross’ posterior. Such insightful adjectives included:
captivating, undulating, mesmerizing, pensive, transcendent, and dichotomous.”

While no students were willing to comment on this publicly, Associate Dean

Tedd R. Goundie reportedly hollered indignantly at the announcement.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” he yowled. “I am the most bootylicious
person
here, and everyone knows it!”

Gross smirked at Goundie smugly, and then kissed his finger and touched his

posterior while making a “hiss” sound in an attempt to convey that
he was
hot, while Goundie was not.

*****

2) Gates of Hell to open on Parrish Beach, Swatties unconcerned

This Friday, the gates to the netherworld of Hell will be established in
the mortal realm on Parrish Beach, roughly between McCabe Library and
Magill Walk. After opening the unholy portal, the minions of Hell plan to
send forth waves of various hellspawn, imps, and demons to bring eternal
suffering and torment down upon the people of Earth. Nonetheless, the
college community seems largely unconcerned with the demonic proclamation.

“Sure, I guess it might make going up the hill a bit more of a hassle
each
day, but that’s no big deal,” said Mertz resident Ken Brown ’05. Senior

history major Claire McDonald agreed that the newest addition to campus
would probably not disrupt her life to any great extent. “Do you seriously

think that I have enough time to care about this sort of nonsense? I’m
already going to be eternally damned if I don’t get this seminar paper done

for Thursday!”

Even the administration has taken a lackadaisical attitude toward the
college’s impending doom. “While this certainly does throw a bit of a
monkey wrench into our sensible land use campaign, we don’t expect the
creation of the Hell Gate to seriously interfere with any of our long-term
construction plans,” said Larry Schall, co-chair of the Land Use Planning

Committee. “The only projects that we might have had in that general area

deal with the potential expansion of McCabe and the renovation of Old
Tarble into a new student social center, neither of which this will
interfere with.”

Due to the chaotic conditions that are currently plaguing Hell in the last

hours before its long-anticipated invasion of the earthly realm, Gazette
reporters were only able to contact Xaphan, a lesser demon, for comment.
“Your commune is of no significance; the souls of your friends will soon
be
used to fuel the fires that will damn the human race!” He then
disemboweled the reporters, cast them into the pit of Barathrum, and went
back to preparing for Friday’s assault.

*****

3) ‘Rally to End All Rallies’ held

On Saturday, a recently formed organization called Students for Political
Apathy (SPA) held a rally on the steps of Parrish in which they called for
a ban on the use of this venue for political rallies in the future.

The program was introduced by Joe Swat ’04, who cataloged a list of other
politically oriented events that have been staged on the porch in the past.

“We’ve had rallies for peace, rallies for war, rallies about athletics,

rallies about the IMF and the WTO. It’s getting to the point that you can’t

even sunbathe on Parrish Beach in peace anymore, and we’ve had so many good

days for that this winter!” Swat ended his speech by shouting, “All
you
activists, off my beach!”

Many students attending the rally expressed shock and confusion at the idea

that there were any Swatties who would not want to be politically aware.
Many of these students interrupted the rally by asking questions about
current political figures and controversial issues. The SPA members on the
podium responded to each of these interjections by chanting in unison, “We

don’t know and we don’t care!”

SPA president and rally organizer Frank Fencesitter ’03 said that SPA has
not yet planned any future activities but added that he has high hopes for
the group. “You shouldn’t underestimate the power of political ignorance

and apathy,” he explained.

*****

4) Adult male badger admitted to class of 2006; deans flummoxed
at apparent
“admissions mistake”

The Swarthmore class of 2006 is currently composed of 176 men, 214 women,
and one nine-year-old white-tailed badger. In a bizarre administrative
mix-up, this member of the Meles meles family, currently residing in upper
Massachusetts, received along with 390 prospectives the all-important “this

is the fat one!” missive welcoming it to the ranks of incoming freshmen.

Such a blunder has thrown the admissions office into a tizzy, since it
seems to negate the perennial Swarthmore mantra “you are not an admissions

mistake” intoned by Dean Bob Gross and dutifully parroted by hoards of

cynical first years during orientation activities every fall.

“I don’t know what happened,” said a red-faced Jim Bock, Dean of

Admissions. “We took such pride in the infallibility of our admissions

system.” Associate Dean of Admissions Kennon Dick was less apologetic:
“How
were we supposed to know? It [the badger] had such an impressive
application. It seemed like it would be a perfect fit here. Come to think
of it, I wonder how it got a hold of a computer.”

The scandal has left the student body shaken and disappointed. “My trust
in
Bob [Gross] is completely shattered” said Han Xious ’04. “Next thing
we
know, we’ll find out that we’re not worthwhile people, either.”

Protesting such “blatant species-based discrimination,” the campus
animal
rights group headed by Jim “Ewe-Lover” Jones is staging a rally on
Parrish
Beach next Friday in support of their furry peer.

The badger has made no comment about its role in the growing controversy
except to express a hope to live in Danawell to be near the Crum, and an
interest in studying Russian and Comparative Literature.

*****

5) Giant penis affixed to front of Parrish

In the latest of a string of over-sized objects to appear on buildings
around campus, an enormous paper-mache penis was discovered on the front of

Parrish this morning. Approximately fourteen feet long, the tip of the
penis hangs down over the center steps.

No one has yet stepped forward to claim responsibility for the penis, and
college officials say they have no idea how it was attached to the face of
the building. The bigger question, however, is how someone managed to
sculpt a fourteen-foot-long penis in such total secrecy. Speculations are
also currently running rampant about who might have supplied the model for
the creation.

However, it seems that, as with the red sneakers draped around a Parrish
chimney earlier this year and the giant light switch secured to the front
of McCabe last week, the penis will be left in place until its creator sees

fit to remove it.

“We feel that it is important to encourage such demonstrations of
self-expression,” Dean Bob Gross said. “Anyway, I sort of like it.
I think
it adds character, don’t you?”

The penis might even prove beneficial to the college, as several specs have

expressed their admiration of it.

“I took a campus tour and sat in a couple of classes and was like,
whatever,” said Chloe Carlyle, prospective class of 2007. “But then
I was
like, woah! There’s a huge dick on, like, their main building! That was so
cool. I’m definitely applying early decision next year.”

*****

6) Swattie has sex; “Unbelievable!” says student

Early and unconfirmed reports indicate that a student living on Willets 2nd

North may have had sex with another student on Saturday night.

“I thought that I was just friends with this girl from my Intro to
Philosophy class, and totally didn’t have sex on my mind when she came over

here to discuss the Nietzsche readings,” said Michael Patterson ’04. “But

the topic of conversation quickly changed, and before I knew what was
happening we were actually making out!”

The sequence of events afterwards was rather blurry, Patterson claims, but

he nonetheless asserts to have had sex with the girl later that night.
“When I was a prospective student, I had the impression that Swatties were

completely studious and chaste–I never dreamed that anything like this
might happen to me!”

Patterson’s hallmates, dubious about his wild claims of sexual activity,
have scheduled a hall meeting for Monday night in the second floor lounge.
However, due to the enormous campus-wide student interest in the
possibility–however unlikely–that a Swattie may have had sex, organizers
are considering changing the meeting into a SAC-sponsored fireside chat in
Kohlberg coffee bar to be held later in the week.

*****

7) Iraq, North Korea, Department of Philosophy form “axis
of evil,” says Bush

In an unprecedented move Friday afternoon, President George W. Bush revised

the membership of the “axis of evil” to include the Swarthmore College

Department of Philosophy.

When asked for the motivation behind his swap of Iran and Philosophy, the
President replied, “Iran is pretty annoying, yes, but we have a saying
in
Texas.” Reporters then pressed him to divulge this elusive Texan aphorism.

Bush nodded and said, “Aphorisms are clever beasts, but enough firepower

and you can take ’em out.”

The move has sparked harsh criticism from the EU; Bush, however, claimed to

have a “loud and clear” message to send to Europe. “Does the
Swarthmore
College Department of Philosophy control our oil interests? No. So suck it,

Brits,” he quipped.

“I don’t know how we’re going to deal with this. It’s an unexpected
dialectical shift, and I fear that it will create conflicts of
Brobdingnagian scope,” Philosophy Chair Richard Eldridge said in a press

conference Saturday morning. President Bush responded, “That’s exactly
what
I’m talking about. What the hell does Blobdicknorbian mean? Sounds like
Arabic to me.”

In unrelated events, F-16s were spotted over Why-War headquarters late
Saturday afternoon.

*****

8) Osama bin Laden joins Why War?

Renowned Saudi terrorist leader Osama bin Laden today announced his plans
to join Swarthmore’s ‘Why War?’ organization, a student group formed in the

wake of 9/11 that questions America’s military involvement in the Middle East.

“I feel that this group quite eloquently addresses many of the concerns
I
have with America’s foreign policy, plus I absolutely love those cute
little stickers they put on campus buildings everywhere,” said bin Laden.

“I never thought I would be able to find a more zealous group of disciples

than those I had in my terrorist training camps in Afghanistan, but then I
found these Swarthmore students! If only they weren’t all pacifists.”

A student representative for Why War, James Gardner ’04, told Gazette
reporters that he was “totally psyched about Osama joining our group! I

mean, how often is it that we get a world-famous political figure to not
only speak at the college, but actually join a group here? This is just
completely awesome! Plus he’s got mad funding that we could totally use to
buy some more weed with.”

Bin Laden is scheduled to deliver a lecture in LPAC Cinema on Thursday
evening at 9:00 p.m. on the topic, “Why America is The Great Satan and
Must
be Destroyed.” There is the possibility of a special guest appearance by

Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge at the lecture.

*****

9) Art Department to offer the Dark Arts

The Registrar’s Office announced on Thursday that the Art Department would

expand the number of courses and seminars it offered next semester to
include various disciplines in the Dark Arts. In addition to art and art
history, students will be able to study such diverse topics as necromancy,
demon summoning, poisons, and curses.

“We didn’t really want to create an entirely new department for the Dark

Arts, and since both ‘Art’ and ‘Dark Arts’ have the word ‘art’ in them, we
figured it’d make sense to put the new division under the already existing
department,” explained Martin Warner. “Besides, the Dark Arts are
actually
useful in the real world, so creating an Art subdivision for them will
artificially inflate the percentage of Art majors who are able to find
employment after graduation.”

*****

10) SWIL treasurer becomes Level 26 Chaos Mage, learns Firestorm

Last Saturday, the treasurer of the Swarthmore Warders of Imaginative
Literature, Melvin Thompson ’04, became the first Chaos Mage in the group’s

twenty-three year history to ascend to Level 26. “This is really awesome!”

exclaimed Thompson after calculating the number of experience points he
gained from slaying a nest of vampires in the Mary Lyon basement. “Not
only
did I get 372 gold pieces from them, but I’m pretty sure I also gained
enough experience to level up!”

Thompson plans to invest the attribute points he gained as a result of
leveling up primarily in dexterity and strength, noting that he had fallen
drastically behind in these areas, even though as a Chaos Mage his main
strength lies in the various black magics. “I’m usually all about raising

the dead to do my bidding, or casting blizzards on my enemies, but I
suppose it’s still useful to be able to use a sword effectively in case I
ever run out of mana and find myself surrounded by demons.”

The most significant result of Thompson’s leveling up, though, lies in his

new ability to cast the Firestorm spell, which allows him to entreat his
dark lords to send fiery death from the heavens onto whomever he chooses
within an approximately fifteen-yard radius. “This is really going to help

me out in my duties as treasurer. Some of the upper-class Swillies haven’t
been paying their dues recently, but now they’ll know that I can smite them

whenever they fail to pay–or pretty much whenever I want, for that matter!”

Although other SWIL members refused to comment on Thompson’s proposed new
system of fee collections and the repercussions it might have on the
group’s mortality rate, they assured Gazette reporters that he would have
ample opportunity to test out the Firestorm spell on hapless Swatties at
next year’s Pterodactyl Hunt. “Oh, we still remember all the things that
DU
and Phi Psi people have said about us over the years,” said Angela Burns

’03, better known in the group as ‘Ampersand’, before going back to putting

the finishing touches on the suit of chain mail she built for herself.
“We’ll make sure that they’ll remember, too.”
———-
Melvin Thompson in action:
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/daily/specials/april2002/fireball.html

*****

11) Snood-aholics Anonymous opens chapter at Swarthmore:
students express
relief, hope

Responding to widespread demand, Swarthmore now hosts its own chapter of
Snood-aholics Anonymous to help people deal with their addiction to the
computer game. Every Wednesday night, students, faculty, and staff will
assemble to conquer their habit.

“I see Snood characters in my dreams,” one member told the Gazette
after
last Wednesday’s meeting. “Sometimes they’re looming over me, marching
down
bit by bit like an army… if I don’t shoot at them, they’ll crush me.
Luckily, I always wake up just before that scary yellow one bites off my nose.”

Experts are mystified at the popularity of the simple game. Harold Greene,

Professor of Recreation and Popular Culture at Slackmire College,
theorized, “It’s the stats that do it. Players are motivated to improve

their percentage of games won, and eventually it becomes an obsession.
Especially for students at challenging, high-stress universities, Snood is
attractive because they can measure their progress and eventually excel.”

Although there is still no solid evidence of the physical or mental side
effects of Snood, playing five or more games of Snood per day seems to be
correlated with deteriorating grades and decreasing job productivity.
Frequent players report eye strain, heart palpitations, nightmares,
irritability (especially when interrupted during a game), decreased
sociability, and sore clicker-fingers.

Snood-aholics Anonymous attempts to help members through open confrontation

and discussion of their common problem. The greatest difficulty, leader
David Richards says, is “getting the members to stop comparing their scores

with one another. Once we get past that, we can start discussing why
they’re here.”

A recent US-News World report estimates that 35% of college students play
Snood regularly, and that about half that number will progress to become
full-blown addicts. Numbers are expected to double in the next two years.
The founder of Snood-aholics, Elise White, recommends that people simply
not download the game. Too late for that? One local recovering Snood-addict

advises, “Just try to remember that life isn’t just about winning games
on
the Evil level.”

*****

12) Phoenix, Admissions find Swarthmore #1 liberal arts college
for 80th
consecutive year

Independent reports by both the Phoenix and the Department of Admissions
have ranked Swarthmore College first on surveys of national liberal arts
colleges, for the 80th year in a row.

Both reports have been called “absolute crap” by U.S. News and World

Report, generally considered the most reputable college survey. Amherst,
termed “unfit for an illiterate swine” by both the Phoenix and Admissions

evaluations, has also taken issue with the studies.

Critics have charged that the study was conducted in an unfair manner;
Jessica Jackson, Bryn Mawr ’03, claimed that the study will “just reinforce

all the stereotypes academic institutions have about each other.” An
anonymous Admissions official retorted, “Well, she’s just a drunk slut,
so
why are we listening to her?”

*****

13) Timepieces in Publications Office set four days fast;
mass confusion ensues

Over the weekend, it was discovered that all clocks and calendars in the
Publications Office had somehow been set four days fast for the past week.
Facilities explained that they have found no mechanical error with any of
the clocks or computers in the office. Instead, they suspect the culprit to

be a student who spent a lot of time working in the office and wanted to
combat his habitual tardiness and procrastination by tricking himself into
thinking it was later than it actually was.

According to Facilities, clocks that showed the date were all set forward,

as were computers. Four extra pages were ripped off day-by-day calendars,
while four additional days were crossed off regular calendars and planners.

This temporal acceleration caused considerable confusion for many of the
college’s publications, most notably the Phoenix, which released an April
Fool’s Day issue on March 28, to the general consternation of the college
community.

*****

14) Gazette plagiarizes student’s website, no one notices

The Daily Gazette editorial board announced yesterday that a story
published last week on the history of Swarthmore was derived entirely from
a student’s personal website. No one cared.

“Yeah, I was surfing the net, looking for porn, when I came across it,”

said Gazette section editor Jeremy Schifeling ’03, explaining the
circumstances of the plagiarism incident. “It’s not like we had any other

stories for that night, so I thought, you know, what the hell, the kid’s
not a bad writer, give ’em a shot.”

When contacted about the theft of his intellectual property, the student,
Buford Wallace ’05, seemed uninterested. “What the f**k is the Daily
Gazette?” he said. “I don’t have time to worry about crap like that.
No
man, I gotta focus on getting laid.”

Wallace’s roommate, Timmy O’Toole ’05 added: “Sure, I heard of the Gazette.

It’s that thing with those lame weather jokes ain’t it? But I’m pretty sure

it couldn’t have been the Gazette. I mean, it doesn’t publish news, does it?”

Conscientious Gazette editor Pei Pei Liu ’04 brought the issue before the
College Judiciary Committee. Unfortunately, she could not get a ruling from

the Committee as the members were unable to stop rolling around the floor,
laughing uncontrollably.

“Let me get this straight, The Daily Gazette actually printed a news
story!” exclaimed CJC chair Sarah Jacobs ’02 after regaining her composure.

“Holy crap!!!”

After which she once again fell to the floor in hysterical convulsions.

*****

15) Speaker to talk about something

In keeping with Swarthmore’s traditions of activism and the pursuit of
social and economic change, a speaker from some distinguished place will
deliver a lecture on something most Swatties don’t care about sometime this

week in some lecture hall on campus.

“I think that this issue is really important, and that the college
community will stand to benefit from hearing what the person has to say,”

said Shannon Reed ’05, a member of some activist group on campus. “They’ve

been published in a lot of important books and periodicals, probably none
of which you give a rat’s ass about.”

A reserved-students email has been sent out to inform students of the
latest thing they won’t bother to attend.

*****

16) Daily Gazette Reporter Injured By Flying Fruit

Today, Daily Gazette reporter, Alexis Reedy ’05 was hit on the side of the
head by a rotten tomato.

“I didn’t see it coming,” says Reedy.

But her collegues contend that she has made some enemies. ” Well, there
was
the time that CA’s friends threatened her at the beginning of the year,”
says Beth West, Reedy’s roommate. Reedy had written an article about the CA
that was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning during Orientation Week. “Yeah,
those was fun times. Alexis made me taste all of her food before she ate if
for a week,” adds West.

“And don’t forget the time that the Phoenix wrote that letter to the
editor,” says West. Reedy had written an article about the Phoenix’
plagiarism. “For a good month, we had stones thrown at our window in the
middle of the night. It got a little tiresome. The thing is, we could never
figure out who did it. Although I have to say that once I thought I saw
certain members of the Phoenix editorial board running in the moonlight
after our windows had been pelted with stones.”

“And then there was the time that Alexis wrote that article about the
None
of the Above Campaign’s posters being replaced by campaign posters from
other candidates,” says West. “After that, there were the threatening
phone
calls at all hours. Alexis kept asking me if I would take a bullet for her
and was totally paranoid about the room being bugged. We had the music up so
loud when we would talk, we disturbed people from other sides of the dorm,”
says West.

“Well, I haven’t written any nasty articles recently. The last story I
covered was on parking lots, for goodness sakes. Who could I have offended
with that article?,” says Reedy.

Public Safety is looking into everyone that may have had a grudge against
Reedy, trying to figure out who committed this horrendous fruiting.

*****

17) World news roundup

* President Bush is set to see a speech therapist this week. According to
Karen Hughes, President Bush’s senior White House counselor, the
Congressional recess is a good time for the President to correct some of
his gaffes. “Because of our increased consideration of tactical nuclear

weapons, we really need to work on the President’s pronunciation of
‘tactical nuclear’,” said Hughes.

* Worldwide condolences were sent to the British royal family on Sunday
after the Queen Mother Elizabeth died in her sleep on Saturday afternoon at

the age of 101. Although her funeral was planned to take place on Tuesday,
April 9, plans were changed on Sunday evening when the Queen Mother shocked

guards by climbing out of her coffin and rampaging across London.
Apparently outraged at Prince Harry’s experiment with cannabis earlier this

year, the only word she uttered as she laid waste across the city was
“Pothead, pothead.” Police finally cornered and killed her early Monday

morning.

* Under increasing concern about the longevity of Cuba’s Fidel Castro’s
life, plans are underway to clone Castro in order to not only preserve the
dictator’s legacy but also create a possible successor. Those familiar with

the film “Austin Powers 2” have noticed the strikingly eerie parallels

between Dr. Evil and Mr. Castro. Headlines in Cuba have one thing in
common: “The invasion of Mini-Me”

* For nearly the 2,000th time in recorded history, apparently sentient
rabbits terrified Christian children across the world on Saturday night and

early Sunday morning by breaking into their houses, leaving chocolate
foodstuffs, and then vanishing into thin air. Although scientists are
baffled by the seeming impossibility of the global phenomenon, U.S.
Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge issued a statement denouncing the
incidents as “al-Qaeda plots to harm the health of the nation’s youth.”

*****

18) Campus events

“Me Talk Good”
by Prof. Jack Darcy, Linguistics – Harvard University
Scheuer Room, 4:00 p.m.

“You’re Still a Worthwhile Person, Even As That Thesis Deadline Approaches”
Motivational talk by Bob Gross for seniors
Scheuer Room, 4:15 p.m.

“How to Grow Pot in Your Dorm Room: Horticultural Techniques That College

Students Actually Care About”
Lecture by Alison Necaise
Scott Arboretum, 4:30 p.m.

Students for a Sensible Drug Policy Movie Night: “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
LPAC Cinema, 7:00 p.m.

Armed takeover of Tarble, campaign for new “No card, no problem”
policy
Essie Mae’s snack bar, 7:00 p.m.

“Wharton vs. Willets: longstanding rivalry or fabricated attempt at
instilling sense of dorm identity and belonging?” or “What you do
when you
don’t have a life”
Kohlberg Coffee Bar, 7:30 p.m.

McDonald’s Information Session: Calling all Philosophy majors!
Bond Memorial Hall, 8:00 p.m.

College Democrats vs. College Republicans Drinking Contest: “Can we all

just get along when we’re trashed, or will someone start a brawl?”
Parrish Parlors, 9:00 p.m.

Dance Club: Bump ‘n Grind Night
Upper Tarble, 9:30 p.m.

Student Council Meeting
Note to SC Members: Only if you feel like attending…
CRC, 10:00 p.m.

*****

SPORTS UPDATE

1) Swarthmore to add Ultimate Fighting Championship to IM
roster

Due to increased concern over the lack of physical education options, the
athletic board has decided to institute an Ultimate Fighting intramural
club, in which students will be encouraged to enter a “ring of pain”
and
beat each other into submission.

Athletic Director Robert Williams explained, “The academics here tend
to
build up a lot of hostility and aggression. The students need some way to
let it out in a fun and healthy and drop-kicking way.”

Despite widespread student support, the Ultimate Fighting club plan was met

with initial doubt from the administration.

Williams noted, “At first, Al Bloom said that there was no way that [the

school] would let us do this. I used some of my classic rhetorical skill to

persuade him. After hearing that, he was left wide open for the headbutt I
delivered with pinpoint accuracy. That pretty much cleared up any problems
with the administration.”

Indeed, the administration now wholeheartedly supports this program, even
offering to extend it beyond the IM arena.

“There are too many [expletive] dialogues on this campus,” Bloom
announced
loudly while in the ring. “And not enough beat downs. You have a problem

with something? I don’t give a [expletive]. It’s like my father always used

to say: ‘ There’s nothing that can’t be solved with a good old fashioned
fight to the death.'”

Bloom paused in reflection for a moment, before flexing and growling “You

want this, Living Wage? Come and get it, [expletive]!”

*****

2) Last two Swat sports teams face-off for survival

Following additional funding cuts by the Board of Managers last week, the
two remaining Swarthmore sports teams will compete today to determine which

will be the last intercollegiate athletic team left on campus.

The women’s swim team will battle it out against the men’s cross-country
team in a best-of-three Beirut matchup to determine which will be the
twenty-third team eliminated since the Board began their reductions in
December 2000.

“We recognized that the two teams can’t really race one another to
determine who should be the winner–it’s like comparing fish and gazelles,”

said President Al Bloom, using what he thought was a particularly clever
analogy. “Thus, we figured that since everyone loves a good game of Beirut

and the Board doesn’t really give a damn about who the College keeps, we
might as well use that to settle on a sole survivor.”

The Beirut tournament will be held in the Wharton C/D basement this
afternoon at 4:00 p.m., and is open to any student who actually cares
enough about athletics to watch.

*****

3) World sports roundup

* Maryland is still seeking its first appearance in the NCAA national
championship after a disappointing, but expected, loss to Kansas Saturday.
All-star guard Juan Dixon was instrumental in helping Maryland lose its
20-point lead late in the second half. With 1:14 remaining, he missed a
baseline jumper and sat down on the court and cried, “Oh no, not again!”

After the game Kansas star Nick Coluso, who led the team with 21 points and

10 rebounds, called Dixon a “big baby” and told him that there was
always
next year. Kansas will face Indiana in the championship this week; however,

there are rumorsthat several bitter Duke players (who can’t wait until next

year) maybe suiting up for the Hoosiers.

* Today Haiti and the Dominican Republic face-off in a hockey game over the

fate of the island. After centuries of conflict, the two governments
decided to play for the island, since nothing else seemed to be working.
Why hockey? Apparently, they wanted a sport that neither side would be
better than the other at. This way, the side that won would have to be
superior at more than just athletics, showing critical thinking and
adaptive skills towinin a new environment, thus deserving to rule the
entire island.

* Soccer fans were at it again in England Sunday morning when Liverpool
beat Manchester United 3-0. Young star Michael Owen had his 101st hat-trick

of the season to give Liverpool the victory and boost them to the top of
the table. Queen Elizabeth, who is a Man U fan, expressed her disgust at
the Red Devil’s performance and threatened to un-knight Alex Ferguson;
however, she put her sword down when he promised her a win next week
against Crystal Palace. Ferguson said that until that win comes, he will be

sleeping with one eye open.

*****

4) Today’s and tomorrow’s contests

Today:
Beer vs. Sex: Which is better? – Willets 1st South, All day, everyday
Escaped prison inmates vs. Monkeys with lasers – Parrish Beach, Noon
The Jets vs. The Sharks – The Ville, 3:00 p.m.
Tag-team mud rasslin’: Al Bloom & Connie Hungerford vs. Bob Gross &
Tedd
Goundie – The Mud Pit, 5:30 p.m.

Tomorrow:
All games cancelled due to massive outdoor orgy on sports fields.

*****

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“We are now no longer the Knights Who Say ‘Ni.’ We are now the Knights
Who
Say ‘Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv’.”
–The Knights Who Till Recently Said “Ni”

*****

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