Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
The Daily GazetteSwarthmore College
Thursday, April 1, In the Year of Our Lord, 1999
Volume 3, Number 102
NEWS IN BRIEF
1) High acceptance rate of Michaels likely to draw opposition
2) Upcoming Waylon concert not Armageddon, but close
3) World news roundup
4) Campus events
SPORTS IN BRIEF
1) Womens’ tennis kicks ass
2) Golfers stroke their shafts.
3) World sports roundup
4) Today’s and tomorrow’s contests
WEATHER FORECAST
Today: Cloudy, rain likely. High of 65.
It’s been nice lately.
Tonight: Cloudy. Low around 50.
It looks like it’s getting colder again.
Tomorrow: Partly cloudy. Highs in the low 60’s.
That’s a shame – I liked the nice weather better.
NEWS REPORT
1) High acceptance rate of Michaels likely to draw opposition
It was reported last week that of the nearly 900 students accepted into the
Class of ’03, 19 of them (a staggering five percent of the male pool) are
named Michael. This figure is alarming, especially to the staunchest
liberals on campus, who are going into frenzied tirades on its unfairness.
“This is outrageous,” cried Dan, a sophomore, “they claim that Swarthmore
is such a diverse campus, yet look at the favortism they’ve shown towards
all those Michaels out there. This place is going to scream homogeneity
next fall.”
Others weren’t so quick to discount the future Swatties, however. “As a
Michael myself, I am living proof that they’re not all the same,” offered
Michael, a junior who is President of the new organiation MYASS, formed to
protect Swarthmore Michaels from the mountains of oppression they are
likely to face upon entering Swarthmore.
Plans for a rally by opposing groups are in development stages. Tentative
plans have it scheduled for Spec Weekend, so as to show the future Michaels
of Swat that their kind will no longer be tolerated here.
*****
2) Upcoming Waylon concert not Armageddon, but close
Saturday’s Waylon concert promises to be a grand event, but is it possible
that the show’s organizers are being a little hasty in billing their
presentation as “a dry run for Armageddon?” In an effort to assess the
level of Waylon fever on campus, the Daily Gazette has been talking with
students all week. The responses we have gotten seem to indicate that this
show is in fact being eagerly awaited by some very devoted Waylon fans.
In expressing their anticipation, Swarthmore students have managed to show
the qualities that have made this school famous. They have demonstrated
compassion, showing that they don’t just care about Waylon the act, but
about the human side of the event as well. As Michael ’02 put it, “You
know, I remember being really concerned when I heard about that heroin
thing. It’s good to know he’s doing well enough to appear in public again.”
Other students couldn’t help engaging in a more thorough analysis of the
performer’s strengths and weaknesses. “I know he took a lot of crap for it,
but I don’t think he sounded that much like Pearl Jam,” added Michael ’01.
“Except maybe for that song where you couldn’t understand any of the words,
but as long as he doesn’t play that, the show should be really cool.”
Many others just hoped to hear their own personal favorites played on
Saturday. “I really hope he plays ‘It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky-Tonk
Angels.’ Or at least ‘Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys.’
That one’s a classic,” said Michael ’99.
Michael ’00 expressed similar enthusiasm: “Man, I love Dukes of Hazzard!”
The Waylon concert will be held Saturday, April 3rd, on the LPAC mainstage.
*****
3) World news roundup
UH-OH…EH-OH…YEE-HAW…
Today marks the beginning of the fiscal year in Canada, Japan, and New York
State. Experts are expecting problems stemming from premature speculation
about the Y2K bug. …Microsoft has announced plans to take over the only
aspect of the world market it has yet to reach: the interactive toy
industry. Taking advantage of a licensing agreement with the makers of the
British television program, “Teletubbies,” Microsoft announced the release
of Po and Laa Laa, the first two of four dolls to be sold in stores
worldwide. They will have actual televisions in their stomachs which
children can watch while they play with their new friend. Retail price:
$59.95. …21-year-old Zhou Jie has been chosen as China’s top model,
dubbed the “Star of the Century” in a beauty pageant held in Beijing this
week. The event featured competitions in evening dress, swimsuit, and
lingerie parades.
*****
4) Campus events
Easter Egg Hunt for Prospective Students
Parrish Beach, 1:00 p.m.
Celebration of Mass: Clothing Optional
Bond Memorial Hall, 3:30 p.m.
“Using Marijuana as a Means to ‘Get High’ in Modern Adolesence”
by “Timmy” Johnson, Ville
Kirby Lecture Hall, 4:15 p.m.
“Tequila, Vomit, and Finding Oneself”
by Michael Smith, Harvard
Scheuer Room, 4:30 p.m.
Swing Practice: Solo Night
Upper Tarble, 9:30 p.m.
Dialogues
Your room, in front of the mirror, 10:00 p.m.
Greatest Movie Countdown: “Bright Lights, Big Titties”
ML Lounge, 11:00 p.m.
*****
SPORTS UPDATE
1) Women’s tennis kicks ass
In yesterday’s women’s tennis game against the Johns Hopkins University
Blue Jays, the team delivered a stunning 8-1 victory, upping their record
to 3-1 in the Centennial Conference (4-3 overall).
*****
2) Golfers stroke their shafts
Led by Matt Kaufman ’01, who shot an 81, the golf team yesterday placed
second (374) at a triple match against Dominican, Holy Family, and Neumann
Colleges. Only Holy Family (344) beat the team, which is now 3-1 on the
season.
*****
3) World sports roundup
*****
4) Today’s and tomorrow’s contests
TODAY
Synchronized Swimming hosts Our Lady of Mercy at 1:00 p.m.
Baseball hosts Widener at 3:15 p.m.
TOMORROW
Polo visits Princeton, 12:00 p.m.
Golf visits Berlin, MD for the F&M Invite at 1:00 p.m.
*****
Interested in reporting or writing for the Gazette?
Didn’t think so.
Editorial Board
Jeff Heckelman
Melanie Hirsch
Claire Phillips-Thoryn
Staff Writers
Jack Borrebach
Ben Geller
Joseph Genereux
Megan Haberle
Alma Ortiz
Jessica Salvatore
Pete Schilla
Jessica Schwartz
Weathercaster
Jeff Heckelman
Online Editor
Lorrin Nelson
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This concludes today’s report.
