Wednesday, April 1, 1998

Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.

The Daily Gazette

Swarthmore College
Wednesday, April 1, 1998
Volume 2, Number 108

CORRECTIONS

In every issue, we refer to this publication as the Daily Gazette. It has
been brought to our attention that this may be a misnomer. First, we do not
publish all seven days of the week, so it is not truly a daily. Also, as we
just looked up the word “gazette” in the dictionary, and it means an
official journal or newspaper, we do not qualify because we neither print
nor are in any way deemed official by college authorities. In addition, the
editors of the Phoenix consistently tell us we lack journalistic integrity.
So we stand corrected. The Daily Gazette will now be entitled The Brief,
Effective and Unbiased Alternative Electronic Media For Those Who Want
Real, Timely News About Swarthmore College and the World. You may refer to
us as the _Truth_ for short.

NEWS IN BRIEF

1)  Class of 2002 may contain 700-plus students

2)  Spike neglects to pull prank

3)  Loud horn, fire department found to be a hoax

4)  College forms new committee

5)  Music program cancelled

6)  World news roundup

SPORTS IN BRIEF

1)  Men lose Hood Trophy to Bryn Mawr

2)  Field hockey, women’s lacrosse have many similar players, same coach

3)  Scoreboard

4)  Corrections

5)  Today’s and tomorrow’s contests

WEATHER FORECAST

Today:       Thunderstorms likely in afternoon. High of 75.
Tonight:     Probably more rain. Low around 50.
Thursday:    Partly cloudy, but no rain. High near 65.

NEWS REPORT

1) Class of 2002 may contain 700-plus students

In a minor oversight, the admissions office has accidentally sent
acceptance letters to an extra 1,100 applicants to the class of 2002. Dean
of Admissions Robin Mamlet stated that the college had intended to offer
acceptance to 755 of the record 5,092 applicants, but a computer database
error late last week caused the office to mail out 1,094 additional
acceptance letters to seniors who were supposed to receive letters of
rejection instead.

The total number of acceptances was 1,849 out of the 5,092 applicants — a
rate of 37%, well above last year’s rate of 22%. Since Mamlet projects a
yield of approximately 38%, the class of 2002 could contain a record 702
members. “We are a bit perplexed as to what to do,” said Mamlet. “We can’t
really rescind the acceptances. It would be devastating for someone to be
told that we had changed our minds because of a computer mistake.”

According to Susan Untereker, Director of Admissions, a member of the
admissions staff apparently coded the files as acceptances instead of
rejections. Students who are rejected may be offered acceptance at a later
date, pending class size considerations. “It’s really quite a disaster.
It’s amazing that we didn’t notice it ahead of time, but we didn’t think
there would be a need to proofread 5,000 form letters,” says Untereker.

President Bloom declined to comment on the accident, but several sources in
the administration declared that he was furious, particularly in light of
the fact that U.S. News & World Report uses acceptance rates in their
rankings of colleges. One well-placed individual said that Bloom was on
the phone immediately with U.S. News Editors explaining the situation and
asking that only the intended acceptances be included for purposes of
ranking.

It is also rumored that Bloom is counting on the increased participation in
Dip of the Month to keep campus population under control. Attendance at
last night’s dip was 36, most of whom are expected to withdraw for the
remainder of the semester due to toxin-induced mental incapacity.

Myrt Westphal, Assistant Dean and Director of Housing, faces the task of
finding rooms for an extra 300-400 students–a task which will wreak havok
on the upcoming housing lottery.  “Unfortunately, juniors and seniors may
have to make sacrifices. It’s unlikely that many members of the classes of
’99 or ’00 will get singles,” says Westphal.

Several students contacted by the Daily Gazette suggested that the college
admitted the record number of applicants to subversively increase the size
of the student body. “I’m sure the administration had a hand in this.  I
don’t know what they’re smoking in there” says Ryan Peterson ’00, Co-Chair
of Student Council.

*****

2) Spike neglects to pull prank

This morning, students looking to enjoy the fine spring weather and
a few whimsical moments of April Fool’s Day merriment might well have found
whoopie cushions on their chairs or go-go dancers in steel cages over
Magill Walk. They did not, however, encounter a Spike-sponsored April
Fool’s prank.

According to a statement released by Spike magazine early this
morning, its staff has chosen unaniminously to forego an April’s Fools
prank on April 1st of this year. The statement reads, in part, “We
would’ve pulled a prank, but we threw our backs out humpin’ your mom.”  It
goes on to add: “After the difficulties involved in coming up with a pun
on ‘Weekly News,’ we’re way too bushed to, say, bring live farm animals on
campus, stage a sniper attack from Clothier Tower, or tile Magill Walk in
linoleum. Give us a break, man. Do you know how hard it is to find free
livestock?”

Disappointed students looked back fondly on previous Spike pranks:
“Remember when they drove around in that pyschedelic bus and gave out
acid-laced Kool-Aid? That was fucking awesome,” said Woody Plants ’99. “Or
how about Piltdown man? Those guys are crazy!” recalled Runny Stools ’01.
“How about when they emptied Capone’s vault a week before Geraldo started
digging? I laughed until I cried, ” exclaimed Chastity Fogelsanger ’98.

Spike, the campus’s satire/humor magazine, first gained notoriety last
April 1st when its staff staged an “invasion” of the campus by the Republic
of Canada. This campus-wide event featured such happenings as an exhibition
hockey game on Sharples patio, a pro-Canadian rally featuring guest speaker
Al Bloom, and free Labatt’s at dinner. It was topped off by the Canadian
colours flying above Parrish.

Anonymous sources close to Spike wished it known that the absence of a
prank this year does not preclude future acts of prankdom, next year or
next week. Said Anonymous: “These pranksters don’t run. Never have, never
will.”

When asked why, after last year’s prank,  Spike declined to partake of this
year’s festivites, Mark Lotto ’00, co-editor-in-chief, responded, “Fuck
you.”  When pressed further, he elaborated, “We ain’t your bitch.” Added
fellow editor-in-chief Josh Lewis ’00, “April Fool’s? That’s so ’97.”

*****

3) Loud horn, fire department found to be a hoax

The volunteer fire department, as well as the extremely loud and invasive
“fire alarm” located in the physical plant, was found to be a hoax last
night. The horn is apparently triggered by small transmitters, camouflaged
as pagers, which many of these “firefighters” carry. The hoax was
discovered when a curious student followed these erstwhile firefighters to
the “fire house,” a large building located in the ville, and found a party
in full swing. Upon further investigation, the bright red “firetrucks”
housed in this structure were found to be pick-up trucks with cardboard
cut-outs and lights attached to them. According to an anonymous source,
several times per week, the horn is sounded and these trucks are driven around
the ville to maintain the illusion of a functioning fire department.

When faced with these accusations, the chief of police, who is a “volunteer
firefighter” himself, responded “yeah, well, we have a lot of hatchets and
we just bought an AR-10 assault rifle, so what are you going to do about
it?” While it is unclear how the residents of the Borough of Swarthmore
will react to this revelation, Swarthmore students seemed to take the news
in stride. One, wishing to be known only as RD, said “At least now I know
why none of them ever come back from those so-called ‘fire calls’ covered
with soot and ash. I mean, if they were actually fighting fires, wouldn’t
they get dirty?”

*****

4)  College forms new committee

College officials, recognizing the recent spate of censorship-related
activities on campus, including but not limited to the recent debate over
the Phoenix’s printing of a letter by Holocaust denier Bradley Smith; the
rapid effacement of a recent set of chalkings deemed “offensive”, and the
squelching of all possible student discussion over the campus’ decision to
support PCs, have decided to form a committee to address the problem.

The new committee, the Censorship Council, will include representatives
from the Administration, Forum for a Free Press, and Student Council. The
idea is to “combine all our censorship needs in one basket,” said an
administration official. “That way, the next time the College has to deal
with some nasty unwanted information, a centralized committee will be there
to take care of things, instead of all these unrelated groups fumbling in
the dark to deal with the threat of free speech.”

The College next plans a committee to ensure that the local SEPTA trains
run on time.

*****

5) Music program cancelled

In a stunning decision, the curriculum committee announced yesterday that
the music program at Swarthmore College has been cancelled, effective
immediately. Their official statement explained that most members of the
committe consider musicians “pansies who cannot be further pampered at the
expense of the hard-working student body.” Underclass music majors have
been told that they must now switch to a different department.

Seniors, on the other hand, are to be given a choice between repeating
their four years at Swarthmore at their own expense, or graduating with a
diploma that reads “Please don’t hire me. I’m a pansy music major from an
all-girls school in upstate New York.” In keeping with Swarthmore’s
traditionally efficient and effective spending habits, all music department
faculty will be retained at full salary and told to “stay out of the way
and party with the football coach.” In a related story, the dean search
committee announced yesterday that Judy Lord, the music department
secretary, has been offered the position of Dean of the College.

*****

6) World news roundup

ELEPHANT MAULS CLINTON AND SECRET SERVICE AGENTS ON AFRICAN SAFARI

President Clinton’s two-week trip through Africa ended in tragedy yesterday
when a male elephant rushed at the president’s party during a tour of
Bamangwato National Park in Botswana. Clinton suffered a broken arm from a
trunk-lashing, while Secret Service Agents Ben Arkin and Derf Shrub
received more severe injuries. Both are currently hospitalized in a US
military plane accompanying the president, but are expected to survive.
Whitewater prosecutor Kenneth Starr issued subpoenas to three presidential
staffers shortly afterwards; he is reportedly investigating allegations
that the elephant was deliberately provoked to prevent Arkin and Shrub from
cooperating with his investigation of Monica Lewinsky’s mother.

UN WEAPONS INSPECTORS FIND NOSE OF SPHINX IN IRAQI PRESIDENTIAL SITE

UN Spokesman Jules Brandt confirmed yesterday that weapons inspection teams
searching for evidence of Iraqi biologial and chemical weapons capabilities
in the Republican Palace complex had found the famous nose of the Sphinx.
Brandt said he did not know why the Iraqi government had gone to such
lengths to hide the nose, which has been missing since the time of
Napolean. US Secretary of State Madeleine Allright told reporters that she
could not comment on how this discovery will afect US policy in the Middle
East without first hearing more details from UN Secretary Kobe Annon.

ALERT PARENTS FIND IMMORAL MESSAGES IN SCRABBLE

A group of outraged parents in French Lick, Indiana, announced that they
have found “Satanic and other immoral messages” in the popular word game
Scrabble. Says one parent, “we did some research into the issue and found
that using only the letters found this evil game we could spell ‘I voted
for Perot’, ‘pot rocks our collective world’, ‘I want your sex’, and a host
of ‘your momma so fat’ jokes.” The group called for all versions of the
game to be taken off of store shelves and for governmental action against
Milton Bradley, the maker of Scrabble. Janet Reno immediately held a press
conference in which she promised to “select a special prosecutor and spend
at least $30 million of your tax dollars on this investigation.” When asked
about the issue, a spokesperson for Milton Bradley replied, “What a bunch of
idiots.”

IN OTHER NEWS…

Taiwanese God and Buddha Salvation Foundation leader Chen Hon-Ming declared
that all those present in Garland, Texas yesterday at 10 a.m. had become gods
and should shake their own hands, revising an earlier prediction that God
would appear in Chen’s form, clone himself 100,000 times and shake hands
with everyone present. … French Agriculture Minister Pierre Fouvache told
farmers in northern Franch to watch for signs of unusual behavior among
their cattle, after a bovine break-in to the Chunnel Tunnel … Following
several calls reporting a naked motorist, an Indiana woman was arrested
after leading police on a 110 mile-per-hour car chase wearing nothing but
her seat belt,. …In Rio, two would-be robbers armed with a hair dryer
tried to hold up a bus and were shot by a passenger carrying a real gun.

*****

SPORTS UPDATE

1)  Men lose Hood Trophy to Bryn Mawr

The Swarthmore College men’s sports teams lost the Hood Trophy to Bryn Mawr
for the unprecedented fourth consecutive year. Among the key losses were a
devastating 14-6 football game in which all of the Mawrter’s points came
from safeties, leaving Mason Tootell ’99 with only one kickoff return,
his lowest output since high school. The swimmers failed to score a single
point, as the meet was held at Bryn Mawr and the men were gang molested by
crowds of man-starved women before reaching the pool. Tsong Lin ’00 has
still not returned from the meet. The only win came from the tennis team
when the Swatties’ grunting was interpreted as sexual harassment–the
Mawrters refused to play and Swat was awarded a forfeit. The basketball,
baseball, track and wrestling teams were all overpowered, losing by
considerable margins (the baseball score, for example, was 83-24). In an
effort to end the losing streak, Bob Gross and Al Bloom have issued
recruiting vouchers to all varsity coaches equivalent to full ride
scholarships. All newly recruited athletes have reported to an all-girls
school in upstate New York.

*****

2)  Field hockey, women’s lacrosse have many similar players, same coach

The women’s lacrose team and the field hockey teams apparently share more
than the same practice field. It has been discovered that many field hockey
players also play lacrosse. Many players did not even try to hide this
fact, blatantly displaying articles of clothing from each team on
consecutive days. Said team(s) member Holly Baker ’99, “Some even wear
field hockey shirts to lacrosse practice. Yeah, I’ve seen that happen.”
Were that not enough, the same godlike figure prowls the sidelines for both
teams in a bold slap in the face for Swarthmore’s policy of diversity. Al
Bloom could not be reached for comment, but the Gazette received a firm “so
what” from an official NCAA spokesperson.

*****

3)  Scoreboard

Men’s Tennis
 Swarthmore 7  Swedish Davis Cup Team 0
 Swarthmore 1  Strath Haven High School 6

Ice Hockey
 Motherpuckers D-line 4  Canadian National Team 2
 Eric Lindros ’82 petitioned to join SWIL after the game. His application is
 being considered.

Women’s Swimming
 Swarthmore 35  Haverford 120

Men’s Lacrosse
 Swarthmore 12  Johns Hopkins 3

Men’s Rugby
 Swarthmore 17  West Chester 13
 The game was called after reports of a “really bitchin women’s rugby
 party in Olde Club” reached Dan Green ’99. Chants of “kill, kill” were
 replaced with “Chug, chug,” “Take it off,” and “Ewww! Put it on, put it on!”

Women’s Rugby
 Swarthmore 64  Nattie Light 0

Intramural Softball
 Swat football 0  Swat men’s basketball 0
 The game is in its 63rd inning. Update tomorrow.

*****

4)  Corrections

In Monday’s issue, the Gazette reported that Mark Jeuland ’01 won the
10,000 meter run at the Ursinus invitational.  Mark’s name is actually
spelled with a C. So, Cark Jeuland ’01 won the 10,000 meter run at the
Ursinus invitational. Cark was also unanimously voted “dreamiest 15 year
old guy” of the meet by all women present. He’s that cute.

Tsong Lin ’00 has returned from the swimming meet.  After his fluids are
replaced by IV, it is strongly suspected that he will return for more “free
swim.”

The Swarthmore men’s lacrosse team has been forced to forfeit this season’s
two wins. Apparently there is a vast conspiracy to keep Swat men’s
athletics from any form of success. An X-file has been opened.

The first round of Runkle vs. Plost did not end in a TKO from
unsportsmanlike conduct as first reported. Apparently the door’s wounds
were self-inflicted.

*****

5) Upcoming Contests

TODAY
Women’s Cricket travels to Penn for a 1:00 p.m. match.
Men’s Cheerleading travels to Disney World for the NCAA National Championships.
Plost vs. Runkle II! Coming Pay Per View live from Parrish 5th! 7:00 p.m.

TOMORROW
There are no contests scheduled for Tuesday.

*****

Interested in reporting or writing for the Gazette? Just want to tell us
what you think? Contact the Board of Editors at
gazette-management@student-publications.swarthmore.edu.

Got a news tip for us? E-mail
gazette-news@student-publications.swarthmore.edu.

Want to contact our sports editors? E-mail
gazette-sports@student-publications.swarthmore.edu.

The Daily Gazette
Board of Editors
Mary Elizabeth Alvarez
Ross Bowling
Massey Burke
Fred Bush
Steve Dawson
Lorrin Nelson
Cathy Polinsky
Elizabeth Weber

Staff Writers
Josh Bess
Joseph Genereux
Aarti Iyer
Jennifer Klein
Tamala Montgomery
Nathanael Stulman
Maureen Vernon

Weatherman
Rafi Dowty

The Daily Gazette is published Monday through Friday by an independent
group of Swarthmore College students. Technical support from the Swarthmore
College Computer Society is gratefully acknowledged.

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Back issues are available on the World Wide Web at:
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/daily

This concludes today’s report.

Copyright 1998 by The Daily Gazette. All rights reserved.

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