Swarthmore's independent campus newspaper since 1881

Students haunted by their future selves for taking five credits

in Columns/Opinions/Satire by

With few days left of the Add/Drop period, students have reported odd hallucinations to the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), claiming to see an enraged, worn-out identical to themselves in appearance and claiming to be from the future, in apparent anger and distress. Coincidentally, the victims of these hallucinations are all currently registered to take five or more classes, and do not plan to drop any courses before Add/Drop ends.

“I was happily moving from my Discrete Math class to my Constitutional Law class when I felt everything coming to a halt for no reason,” said Eckstrah Würcawholik ’20. “Time suddenly stopped and everything around me blacked out, and then I saw what seemed like a wretched version of myself that I usually only see in the mirror during exam week. The being then started to yell at me for making the choices I made in that desperate angry voice I use whenever I complain about workload. I was honestly very confused because I know I am perfectly sane right now and I have never hallucinated before.”

In addition to Discrete Math and Constitutional Law, Würcawholik was enrolled in a seminar on Water Policies in China, First Year Seminar on the Cold War, and Introduction to Computer Systems at the time of publication.

Felicia Hardkor ’ 19, a student who is currently enrolled in five courses and is shadowing three more, reported to The Phoenix that she has had a particularly haunting experience with the hallucination. According to Hardkor, a person with thick dark circles and a face that appeared identical to Hardkor’s, violently woke her up from her sleep and started pouring out an angry tirade for picking classes the way she did during the Add/Drop period.

“I was quite frightened to be honest,” Hardkor said. “But I wasn’t frightened because I was hallucinating. What really shook me was that the thing I saw in my hallucination was exactly how I looked at 3 a.m. in McCabe Library last December during exam week. I’m not planning on dropping any courses though—I think I can handle everything.”

Some hallucinations that were reported to CAPS even took a violent turn. Nigel Schtobvorn ’18 reported that he was punched in the stomach and slapped across the face by the creature in his hallucination. Schtobvorn, who, at the time of writing, was slated to take a total of 5.5 credits, was immediately taken to Worth Health Center to recover from his injuries.

“I don’t remember the incident too well because it all happened in a blur, but I know that I was punched and slapped really hard by what seemed like a clone of myself,” Schtobvorn said. “The creature was also yelling at me, telling me that it came from the future, and that I was currently looking at myself during exam week at the end of this spring semester. The creature looked like it hadn’t eat or slept for three days. I’m honestly very confused at what just happened to my life, but I don’t plan on dropping any of my classes just because of a stupid hallucination.”

Despite such occurrences, some people are glad that these things are happening to students who are taking five or more credits. Mitchell Toljya ’19, who is a Student Academic Mentor (SAM), was glad to see that these hallucinations are happening to warn those students of the semester ahead.

“These are all students who are not listening to the advice I give on not taking five credits in a semester,” Toljya said. “I have no idea how these hallucinations are happening in the first place, but I’m just going to think that the things these students are seeing are actually versions of themselves in May during exam week, time traveling back to this Add/Drop week to give their January-selves hell for taking five or more credits in the first place.”

How Clay Matthews Retro Alternate Jersey Boosted My Nfl Interest

Although many MLB betting systems report that you do not need to understand baseball to bet. ...

Learn more

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*

Latest from Columns

Go to Top