Cry, Eagles Cry

December 4, 2025

As a North Carolina native who has watched not a single Eagles game (or any NFL game for that matter) all the way through this season, I will be relaying to you why the Eagles are sucking right now. For credibility’s sake, I do know a thing or two about the Eagles because my father hails from the great state of New Jersey and has lived in Philly since being a teenager, hence I have absorbed enough Eagles discourse to know when things are getting bad. 

So why do the Eagles suck right now? Is this a momentary blip in the kelly-green continuum or a larger, systemic issue with coaching staff or players?

First: if the Eagles had as much stability at offensive coordinator position as they do at offensive linemen, then maybe the offense would look less lost. And speaking of the line, it would also help if Lane Johnson, one of the most important tackles in football (an offensive tackle), could stay on the field for TWO — not one but TWO — quarters. Furthermore, not to be blasphemous to the die-hard Eagles fans but, I think I gained more yards walking back and forth to the kitchen during the game than Saquon did versus the Bears. 

The statistics do not make it prettier either. Philadelphia has been outscored 48-15 in the last six quarters, blowing a 21-0 lead to Dallas in the second half before getting handled 24-15 by Chicago. The offense has looked anemic, the defense is starting to wear down, and the team’s margin for error in the divisions is shrinking after every game passes. Hurts and the rest of the offensive unit need to step up big if they want to keep their NFC East lead, never mind their Super Bowl hopes.

And not to start neighborhood drama, but Kevin Putallo’s, the offensive coordinator for the Philadelphia Eagles, house getting hit with eggs and not batteries (this is an Eagles reference for you) over their loss to the Cowboys kind of sums up the fandom’s mental state. Honestly, at this point Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni might need to step in and call plays like Dan Campbell does in Detroit. It is hard to imagine Sirianni doing worse than Pattullo right now. Sure, Sirianni struggled when he briefly called plays in 2021, but this roster of Eagles pales in comparison to the team he inherited in 2021. If the Eagles do not try something different, dare I say, they are “cooked.”

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