Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
It’s a new semester and it’s about time to fill the gaping void that has left our poor Gazette gasping for readers. What gets more hits than discourse on everybody’s favorite hot and sweaty topic?
An editor friend of mine who knows a little about my history has asked me to fill in as the Gazettte’s resident Sexpert. So now, darlings, the dirty doings and naughty questions you’ve been whispering at one another from across the table in Sharples can be brought to light on the Internet, with a few snarky comments by a girl who’s been around the block once or twice before, herself.
For my first column, I’d like to take some time to explore one of the greatest hindrances to any Swattie’s sex life. No, I’m not talking about your lack of social skills and inability to brush your hair/shower. We all go to Swarthmore, my dears. We often don’t have the ability to recognize that whatever it is you’re so awkwardly offering up would normally be a turn off. Also, we’re usually Paces-drunk and sleep deprived. You look just fine. I’m talkin’ boutchur yo roommate!
Don’t pretend to be nice. The internet is anonymous, we can be honest here. You hate the child. Sure, she/he is super nice. A great kid. Normally, you get along just fine. But his 8 pm bedtime or her four hour-long phone fights with her long distance significant other can be a serious cock block. Ideally on those boozy nights, you would reserve the room ahead of time, but not all of us are lucky enough to know we’ll be taking someone home at the end of the night. And your soon-to-be lover has a roommate of their own they simply can’t shake.
What to do? Well, as pairs began to split off of the writhing massive orgy happening on the dance floor at Freshmen Disorientation, they soon found out that Swarthmore campus offered plenty of locations for bedding your hook-up beyond the dorms. In case you aren’t already one of these innovative couples, I’m going to do you a little favor. This is mainly for freshmen; though I think it will come in handy for some select upperclassmen too… I’m looking at you, couple making out in the Rose Garden.
Continue reading for a comprehensive list of the best (and worst) campus hook up spots:
Ah, one of the advantages of an upperclassman hook up. Froshies, just look for a nice swooper. Don’t worry, there are plenty.
Don’t look so horrified. It’s been done. Yours truly is a very big fan of outdoor hook ups. Nothing like doing it under the stars to make that lusty, primal sex even more primeval. However, duckies, this is not the best place. For one thing, if you forget any clothing, the entire campus is privy to your nasty necking. Whatever happened to those boxers left along the path to Willets?
Remember that class that seemed so easy during add/drop? The professor was so kind, the reading was so light, and class discussions were consistently on some amusing tangent. Then after you were registered, the other shoe dropped. Suddenly you’re reading two books a week, the professor is a bitch, and lectures are so boring you’re practically comatose. Well now’s your chance to take revenge. Seminar rooms are dark and (usually) empty, affording you the exact kind of privacy you need. Show that professor how much you love their subject by making violent love up against the chalkboard, or how on top of the material you are by getting on top of the table.
And then tomorrow, when you’re falling asleep in class yet again, you’ll have something hot and steamy to day dream about.
If all the Kohlberg rooms are occupied, and this could be the case – they fill up faster than an hourly rental motel – the same model applies to the science center. But it’s more of a hike, and you’re more likely to run into people you know actually working. And sober people tend to remember who you’re hooking up with. Yay awkward.
The Big Chair:
This is the cutest, sweetest, most adorable place for any baby freshmen couple to have their first kiss. And also be uncomfortably interrupted by their friends for the first time. Get used to it chickadees. This is a cycle that never ends. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve accidently interrupted my friends’ happy naked fun time…
The Roof of Hicks:
All the benefits of Mertz field with the privacy given one by scaling a very large building. A quick word of caution: don’t get to vigorous up there. There’s a very real possibility the roof will fall in. However, if you’re an engineer, you know how to fix this anyway… right?
Outside the Frats:
It seems so convenient. Just step outside, and look at that. You’re dark and people are kind of far away. Do yourself the favor though, and walk somewhere else. You can lose your keys, you can lose your phone, but you can’t advertise for your lost dignity in the RSD.
That’s all for now my dears. If none of these places are cutting it for you, don’t get discouraged! Swarthmore has plenty of hidey holes for the happy and horny. Keep up the search, and if you need some inspiration, be sure to check out The Marauder’s Map and maybe add a few secrets of your own to those hidden places of Swarthmore.
Love and kiss,
Your favorite sexpot.