Editor’s note: This article was initially published in The Daily Gazette, Swarthmore’s online, daily newspaper founded in Fall 1996. As of Fall 2018, the DG has merged with The Phoenix. See the about page to read more about the DG.
A Daily Gazette investigation has uncovered a startlingly unconventional terrorist group on campus.
The new panini grill has caused much jubilation and distress among Swarthmore students. But it’s been replaced many times, by some counts on as many as thirty occassions, causing some students to wonder why. And at least thirty students have disappeared without a trace from campus this semester, since the introduction of the panini grill. In some occasions, students and faculty have been told that these students chose to take leaves of absence; in the vast majority, however, the students simply disappeared along with all of their belongings.
Are these two equally disturbing trends related? The Gazette thought that they might be, and chose to investigate. Indeed, in 94 percent of the cases, the student’s disappearance has been tracked to occur within 24 hours of the panini replacement.
Public Safety and borough police were both utterly unaware of both the disappearances and the panini grill changes. The Dining Services director claimed that when the panini grills were replaced, they often appeared mangled and shattered somewhere in the back rooms of Sharples. Due to popular demand, however, the grills have been replaced each time.
Starved for clues, this reporter turned to onetime Dining Committee member Adam, class of 2011. When questioned about the occurrences, he replied, “Yeah, I might know something about that,” before vanishing mysteriously into the fog.
Later that night, the Daily Gazette received an email from panini.liberation.army@gmail.com, with the following contents:
When a student puts a triple-decker sandwich in the panini grill, we are there.
When a student puts a bagel into the panini grill, we are there.
When a student puts a quesadilla into the panini grill, we are there.
When a student makes a peanut-butter-and-jelly panini, we are there.
When we see one of these travesties, we carefully note the offender.
When we note an offender, we follow them until they are alone.
When we find them alone, we take care of them using the very grill that they defaced.
When we have taken care of them, they stay taken care of.
Public Safety refused to comment, saying the statement was “probably a hoax” and that there was an opossum to be dealt with.
