The Phoenix: The independent newspaper of Swarthmore College since 1881

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The Phoenix: The independent newspaper of Swarthmore College since 1881

Satire

Opinion/Satire

The truth revealed: she walks among us

My name is Ivan Gestigator. I am an Austrian journalist in deep cover at Swarthmore College. In all likelihood, you know me…

April 5, 2018
Placeholder Photo
Opinion/Satire/Staff Editorials

The Death of Online News

Since 1881, we at The Phoenix have worked tirelessly to write pieces relevant to the Swarthmore community that are informative and conducive…

April 5, 2018
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Swarthmore treats admitted students like royalty

In desperate hopes to lure admitted prospective students into matriculating to Swarthmore, the administration sent out strict orders to the students, faculty,…

April 27, 2017
Satire

Annual engineering prank is that everyone will go to sleep at 9:00 pm

In a shocking twist, the engineering students have announced that the annual engineering prank will be that all students will be going…

March 30, 2017
Satire

MJ to fully automate divestment protest process

In response to the recent citations of four Mountain Justice student protesters, MJ has decided to dramatically escalate their divestment campaign. In…

March 30, 2017
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Sharples voted as the best restaurant on campus

For the 53rd year, Sharples Dining Hall won the Best Cafeteria Award on Swarthmore’s campus. From food quality to sanitation, Sharples won…

March 23, 2017
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Swarthmore freezes dormitories to save energy

To keep up with Swarthmore’s commitment to being green and eco-friendly, Swarthmore announced Tuesday that it will leave dormitories without heating outside…

February 16, 2017
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Students haunted by their future selves for taking five credits

With few days left of the Add/Drop period, students have reported odd hallucinations to the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), claiming to…

January 26, 2017
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Anti-Trump supporters start colony in Antarctica

Feeling absolutely disgusted and worn out over the results of the presidential election on Nov. 8, several Hillary Clinton supporters started a…

November 17, 2016
Columns/Opinion/Satire

Desperation for employment fuels externship matching process

Last month, in order to provide supplementary experience to students prior to internships, the Office of Career Services hosted the externship matching…

November 3, 2016

Latest Posts

Learning Shuttle Schedules and Interview Skills: An Experience of the Haverford Career Fair

February 2, 2023

Eliminating Phoenix Wages Threatens Diverse Student Journalism

February 2, 2023

Activist George Lakey Returns to Swarthmore to Promote Memoir 

February 2, 2023

Swarthmore Inn Hosts Winter Formal for the First Time 

February 2, 2023

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The Phoenix: The independent newspaper of Swarthmore College since 1881

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