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Satire

Columns/Opinions/Satire

Swarthmore treats admitted students like royalty

In desperate hopes to lure admitted prospective students into matriculating to Swarthmore, the administration sent out strict orders to the students, faculty, and staff—especially the dining staff—prior to Swatstruck, instructing them to show their best performance and be on their best behavior. Furthermore, the college community was ordered to treat prospective students like royalty. “We… Keep Reading

Satire

MJ to fully automate divestment protest process

In response to the recent citations of four Mountain Justice student protesters, MJ has decided to dramatically escalate their divestment campaign. In order to do so, MJ has enlisted the help of a large team of computer science and engineering students to fully automate the divestment campaign. With the help of a web crawler, Facebook… Keep Reading

Columns/Opinions/Satire

Sharples voted as the best restaurant on campus

For the 53rd year, Sharples Dining Hall won the Best Cafeteria Award on Swarthmore’s campus. From food quality to sanitation, Sharples won first place in every category of judgment, easily beating out its competitors, a streak that has not been broken since 1964. “We are so proud of our achievement,” Sharples staff, Sadie McDelu said.… Keep Reading

Columns/Opinions/Satire

Swarthmore freezes dormitories to save energy

To keep up with Swarthmore’s commitment to being green and eco-friendly, Swarthmore announced Tuesday that it will leave dormitories without heating outside of the facilities department’s office hours. This announcement follows its declaration of Operation Cold War, which turned off hot waters for showers last December. “We are trying to live up to our promise… Keep Reading

Columns/Opinions/Satire

Students haunted by their future selves for taking five credits

With few days left of the Add/Drop period, students have reported odd hallucinations to the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), claiming to see an enraged, worn-out identical to themselves in appearance and claiming to be from the future, in apparent anger and distress. Coincidentally, the victims of these hallucinations are all currently registered to take… Keep Reading

Columns/Opinions/Satire

Anti-Trump supporters start colony in Antarctica

Feeling absolutely disgusted and worn out over the results of the presidential election on Nov. 8, several Hillary Clinton supporters started a new nation in Antarctica to avoid having to live under the reign of President-elect Donald Trump. This move, initiated by Hollis LeMise, former resident of Ohio, has, at the time of writing, already… Keep Reading

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