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The best cars for the most useless categories

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For every absurdly rich Hollywood celebrity who ends up mindlessly buying a 2-million-dollar Bugatti, there are countless kids who spend much of their free time contemplating and researching which car(s) they would have for the same money. I couldn’t estimate the amount of times I’ve talked with my friends about “which car I’d have if I had x amount of money,”Well, I figured it would be fun to sort of do the same thing in this article. Except, instead of grouping my choices by price range, I’ll do it by useless function. Okay, not all of them are useless, but most of them are. Obviously, many of these cars are unobtainable except for the very wealthy, but day-dreaming about unobtainable cars is half of what being a car enthusiast is about.

BEST FIRST CAR: VOLKSWAGEN GTI SPORT

Deciding on your first car is always an exciting, but excruciating one. Even if you’re really not into cars, getting your first car is something you’ll always remember, and something that will help you to create some great memories, like hydroplaning at 60 miles-per-hour on the way back from Giant and catching some air too (SPEEDING = NOT GOOD, PLEASE DON’T SPEED). Of course price is always an important consideration, especially for your first car, but since we’re day-dreaming in this article, we might as well go all-out, right? That’s why I picked the VW GTI Sport. It has perennially been the benchmark for “best first car”, and for good reason. It’s the standard classic — it’s the Chicken Parm you order if you go to some Italian restaurant you’ve never been to. It’s not the most adventurous option, but you know what you’ll be getting, and it’s pretty good in the case of the GTI. First of all, it has aggressive yet conservative styling that is sporty enough to catch attention but still maintains clean lines. With more than 200 horsepower, it has enough giddy-up to keep things interesting, but the lower power combined with the front-wheel-drive layout is generally forgiving enough for beginning drivers. Moreover, its sporty handling characteristics will make for simple, enjoyable driving around backroads. Additionally, the fact that it is German means the build quality will beat anything else for the price. Finally, you have to get it in a manual, because nothing else can bring the joy to driving that 3 pedals and a gearshift can.  

BEST CAR FOR WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS BUT WANT TO GO FAST BUT ALSO NEED TO GET GROCERIES: MERCEDES BENZ E63 AMG 4MATIC+ WAGON

This is a really easy choice. The E63 Wagon is just like Mercedes’  normal E-Class wagon, but way crazier. Mercedes’ AMG line of cars are the performance-oriented version of their normal cars, with bigger engines, bigger brakes, and better suspension.. This E63 wagon has more than 600 horsepower (about the same as a Lamborghini Huracan, more than a Ferrari 458, you get the idea), but with the practicality and space of a wagon. It accelerates from 0-60 in around 3.5 seconds, which matches many supercars these days. You have all-wheel-drive so you can survive the winters, three row seating for all the kids, an absurd amount of cargo space for whatever you want to put in there, as well as brakes built for the racetrack, the exhaust note of a sports car, and the power of a 4.0 liter, bi-turbo V-8 engine underneath your right foot. It’s like a Lamborghini and Honda Odyssey combined into one, and that’s an amazing compromise if I ever saw one.

BEST CAR FOR THE RACETRACK: PORSCHE GT3RS

It’s surprising how many automakers have made cars for this specific category. Very few people actually go out and buy these cars due to their very specific purpose, but automakers still pour tons of money into research and development for them. There’s so many great options to choose from, but for me, I have to go with Porsche GT3RS. It may not be the most powerful, or quick, out of the cars available in this category, but on paper (and according to people who have driven it), it is flawlessly sublime. Porsche is known for building incredibly precise, refined cars that are attuned to all of the driver’s inputs and will do exactly what the driver commands. The GT3RS is the product of all of Porsche’s finest innovations and technologies. Featuring a naturally aspirated 6-cylinder engine that revs all the way to 8800 rpm (check an average car — it probably revs to about 6000), the best transmission in the world, carbon ceramic brakes that look more fitting for a race-car, a magnesium roof for weight reduction and lower center of gravity, and a huge wing in the back, it is undoubtedly one of the finest cars Porsche has ever made.

BEST CAR FOR WHEN YOU GOTTA STOP GLOBAL WARMING BUT DON’T WANT A PRIUS: TESLA MODEL S P100D

This shouldn’t really come as a surprise for anyone. The Tesla Model S P100D is the quickest car from 0-60 that Motor Trend has ever tested, 2.28 seconds to be exact! While the environmental problem of acquiring the material for the car’s batteries is another issue, when it comes to minimizing pollution yet still having fun, no car can beat this. For day-to-day driving, it doesn’t matter what the top speed of your car is or how fast it is around a racetrack. The most fun you’ll have is in that 0-30mph or 0-60mph range, and no car does that better than this one.

BEST CAR FOR BADASSERY: ALL-BLACK LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR LP700-4

This was definitely the hardest one to choose. There are so many amazing looking cars out there today. With so much competition and over-the-top-styling, automakers have to do their best to stand out if they want to sell. However, for a few years now, one car has always been able to stand out from the rest in badassery department. And by badassery, I mean the combination of the looks, performance, and general character of the car. Come on. Just look at it. And tell me there is anything more badass to roll up into your 30th high school reunion. Oh, and it has a V-12 engine that makes around 700 horsepower and makes sounds more beautiful than that egg Harry Potter puts underneath the water in Goblet of Fire. Also, its rear tires are more than a foot-wide each!

BEST CAR FOR WHEN YOU GOTTA ONE-UP THE WEEKND:

Sorry, I got nothing. Just Google “The Weeknd cars” and you’ll get what I mean.

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