People from afar and people from near, sit down with this paper and read something that you most definitely need to hear. This thing that I am about to say requires at least one hand and two fingers on deck. Females orgasm too, and they are awesome as heck.
Last Thursday, Swarthmore was visited by Dorian Scott, the co-author of I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide, and Connor Timmons, who is the Program Director of the organization Common Ground Center, that offers family camp programs. I walked into Upper Tarble not really knowing what to expect. But I have to say, I was very surprised to see so many men there! Thank you for coming boys and helping the world become a better place one orgasm at a time. The presentation started with this line of pure, genius creativity: “People normally say to silence your cell phones during talks and presentations, but we like to be more reasonable. So please set your phones to vibrate.” As soon as I heard this, I knew I was in for a real, good treat.
The big O. That is what we are talking about today — the big, bad, beautiful, banging O. Orgasms are experienced by all genders, but the I <3 Female Orgasm talk focused on women’s experience with orgasms, hence the name of the presentation. It was emphasized that night that masturbating makes sex better because people become more comfortable with the pleasure and feeling of what’s going on down there. When I heard this, the first thing I thought of was Hailee Steinfeld’s song “Love Myself” in which she says, “I know how to scream my own name … Gonna love myself, no, I don’t need anybody else … Anytime, day or night.” Physical self love is important as it helps people feel more comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. Masturbating, especially done by women, is not something that is discussed, let alone encouraged, and it is this lack of attention that stigmatizes the idea of women masturbating. So if and when someone goes up to you and asks if you masturbate (raise your hand right now if this has ever happened to you, even if you’re in class, raise your hand), and if you do, I want you to say, “Hell yeah!” For example, if my mom asks me if I masturbate I will say, “Hell yeah I do mom, and so does Hailee Steinfeld!” Then whip and get the heck out of there.
Something else that this presentation emphasized was the fact that it takes 20 to 30 minutes, on average, for women to experience an orgasm. Also, not all women feel pleasure in the same spot — for some it may be the G-spot and for others it may be the clitoris. But, we are in luck because you can purchase fun, little toys to help figure out where your spot or your girlfriend’s spot is. For example, the infamous Nimbus 3000. When I saw Dorian Scott whip this bad boy out during the talk, I thought they were giving it away so I literally jumped out of my seat to try and claim the prize. I mean come on, whose lifelong dream isn’t to own a Nimbus 3000? Little did I know that this Nimbus 3000 was not only made for kids to think that they could fly, but also made them feel pretty fly. From its magical vibration powers, this battery-powered broom stick will make any kid want to catch the golden snitch, feel the golden snitch, and experience THE golden snitch (if you’re picking up what I’m putting down). Here are some reviews of the Nimbus 300 that Scott and Timmons kindly shared with us:
“I recently bought this for my son. He’s a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her another one.” -Amazon.com Reviewer
Hmmm, the batteries drain too quickly. I wonder why that is…
Or how about this one:
“When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibration). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too! I recommend this for all children.” -Amazon.com Reviewer
If there is one thing that I have to reiterate, it is that the female orgasm actually exists. The fact that I have to even say this represents our patriarchal society. Tell your brothers, sisters, even the kids you babysit … people need to know and grow up with that fact already in their heads! The Big O is not like a unicorn or healthy fast food. It is as real as Beyoncé having twins, it is as real as climate change, and it is as real as you reading this sentence right now. Orgasming is something that takes time, as everyone has to figure out the ways to make ourselves and our partner’s orgasm the best. Patience and constant communication is needed for this. Check in every now and then, and ask “Is this okay?” or “Does this feel good?” You want to make the other person feel comfortable, because if they aren’t, then the orgasm will never come. And if you and your partner are trying really hard and it doesn’t come, don’t be embarrassed or get frustrated. Just remember the saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
I would like to leave you all with a magic trick that Amy Schumer has revealed to the greater public. For those who are into beautiful men, Amy discovered that: “Magic Mike XXL. It like, really is magic. Anytime I watch those guys, at least two of my fingers disappear.” If guys aren’t your type though, I recommend Coyote Ugly, it is a very, very, very good film. But Amy, thank you for that magic trick, can’t wait to try it out sometime.