A call to arms from last year’s Crunkfest champions

You’ve heard. Crunkfest is canceled this year. Adios vomlette, adieu naked macarena marathon, auf wiedersehen triathlon. Citing recent concerns regarding student safety and well being, the administration of Swarthmore has shifted student life in a new direction that does not include Crunkfest. In the past Crunkfest relied on a mutual trust between the students, the administration and public safety that allowed Swarthmore to turn a blind eye to the happenings of Worth Courtyard for 24 hours once a year. Within the annals of Crunkfest are many stories of participants pushing their social, philosophical, political, moral, sexual and, yes, physical limits. Those stories begat rumors which begat a reputation which begat the administration’s decision to ban Crunkfest this year.

Though we may not like it, if Swarthmore wishes for Crunkfest to come out from the shadows and leave its illegalities behind, then we will accept those terms. We will populate a list of tasks that requires no one to break the law. We hold this truth to be self-evident, that l’esprit de Crunk cannot be found in a tab, pill, hit or rip of anything. Crunkfest is about stepping away from our otherwise responsible and structured lives and indulge in a bacchanalian celebration organized for degenerates, by degenerates. When else are you and 4 other friends going to have the chance to combine your creativity, skills and efforts to be a bellhop in the Parrish elevators, BYOFood to a restaurant and ask for water or stand naked together and sing Swarthmore’s fight song in a four-part harmony.

We have offered and plan to begin working with the administration to address their specific concerns about Crunkfest. We see no reason why a Crunkfest purged from contraband, but with all its quirky, strange, and ridiculous trimmings intact cannot flourish on a campus so full of freaks like us. We have faith that #crunkneverdies and we hope you feel the same way.

Below is a selection of tasks that were going to be included in this year’s Crunkfest. In making this usually very private document public we hope to accomplish two things: First, to be transparent and open with the Swarthmore administration as we figure out how to address their specific worries about student safety. We believe student wellbeing is paramount to all else and are firmly committed to keep Crunkspace a safe space. Second, we want to be transparent with the student body about what we imagine the future of Crunkfest might look like. The entirely student-run aspect of this event is part of where its magic comes from. If you want to have Crunkfest return next year then please speak up and say something! This can take many forms: comment on an article, talk about it at dinner with your friends and enemies, hang a poster in Parrish, chalk Magill walk, organize a massive direct mail pro-Crunk campaign to the dean’s office. Every ‘lil bit helps.

See you soon,

Moulin Splooge

Alis Ansal ’15, Rebecca Contreras ’13, Travis Mattingly ’13, Tom Powers ’13, and Sarah B. Vogelman ’13 were the winners of last year’s Crunkfest.



 


Nest w/ a Nesterak 


 


10 


 



 


Trill Clinton 


 



 



 


Bronycon in the courtyard +if it’s 20% cooler than the LARP 


 


25 


 



 


Take a bath in coffee +if it’s in the Willets 3rd floor bathtub 


 


20 


 



 


Number from Smash +Megan Hilty realness 


 


10 


 



 


Spend 10 hours in a tree +if Scheub joins you 


 


40 


 



 


Kegel in the Crum 


 



 



 


Hail to the Queef 


 



 



 


Loudest Queef 


 


10 


 


10 


 


Ear candle with care +if you eat it ++if someone else on your team eats it 


 



 


11 


 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSXZtYFdvsI 


 


15 


 


12 


 


Add/Drop Beats +Beets 


 



 


13 


 


It’s Monsoon Season +Jinx 


 



 


14 


 


NevilleLongBottoms 


 



 


15 


 


Get tested +Get ur tester’s number ++if you go out 


 


30 


 


16 


 


Go to a restaurant and order nothing but water +call the restaurant to send the waiter back to your table 


 


30 


 


17 


 


Pick your nose +put it back in 


 



 


18 


 


Pee in a litter box +clean it up urself 


 


10 


 


19 


 


Dress up as the little mermaid +grieve in front of seafood 


 


20 


 


20 


 


Hungry like the Wolf 


 


10 


 


21 


 


Teen (beo)Wolf +tyler posey realness ++germanic poetic meter 


 



 


22 


 


Honors Oral Exam I. Nicki Minaj’s verse from “Monster” 


 


10 


 


23 


 


Hold a seance +if you resurrect the analytical chem tenure track position ++if you resurrect Dash 4 Cash 


 


15 


 


24 


 


sexting a sixteenth century feudal lord +if you cause unrest in my loins 


 



 


25 


 


Lose an argument and literally eat your hat 


 


10 


 


26 


 


Busk in the ville +if you get enough to buy a student special at Renatos 


 


10 


 


27 


 


Call your parents and convince them you are pregnant/married/dropping out + on speakerphone in the courtyard 


 


12 


 


28 


 


Run-N-pee +for P-style 


 



 


29 


 


Have sex with Flat Stanley +if you send the picture to a friend ++if they take and send their own picture 


 


10 


 


30 


 


Slow motion race 


 



 


31 


 


Loogie smoothie 


 


1 pt per mL (30 mL max) 


 


32 


 


Most mirrors 


 


15 


 


33 


 


Little Swat SIblings Showdown +get Mia Ferguson and Cyrus Newlin to do battle 


 


15 


 


34 


 


Get in a bubble 


 


15 


 


35 


 


Do someone else’s job 


 


10 


 


36 


 


Zombie walk in the ville at midnight 


 


2 pt/person 


 


37 


 


Wear all your clothes 


 


10 


 


38 


 


GesamtkunstTWERK 


 


10 


 


39 


 


Largest socialist rendering of Rebecca Chopp 


 


10 


 


40 


 


Pajama Pantsless 


 


10 


 


41 


 


Most loose change 


 


15 


 


42 


 


Best anti-Crunk propaganda 


 


10 


 


43 


 


Simultaneous monologue 


 


10 


 


44 


 


Dizzly Lizzy Competition 


 


16 


 


45 


 


Dirt Castle +if it’s Winterfell 


 



 


46 


 


Sweat Lodge 


 


10 


 


47 


 


Start a Sophraternity +if you become recognized by Phi Si/DU/Sig Ep 


 


10 +5x each recognition 


 


48 


 


Wittling soap sculptures 


 


10 


 


49 


 


Walk a mile in her shoes 


 


15 


 


50 


 


Impose sanctions on Putin 


 


10 


 


51 


 


Start a Super PAC 


 



 


52 


 


Extreme Makeover someone’s dorm room 


 


15 


 


53 


 


Bedazzle Swat ID 


 



 


54 


 


Herd Cats 


 



 


55 


 


Least favorite people having sex 


 



 


56 


 


Fundraise for fake event +for most signatures 


 


10 


 


57 


 


Wait tables at Sharples 


 


12 


 


58 


 


Solicit most swipes 


 


3 per swipe 


 


59 


 


Innie or Outie 


 


10 


 


60 


 


Set up bobbing for apples stand in front of McCabe 


 


10 


 


61 


 


Hang “out of order” sign on stairs and direct people around them 


 



 


62 


 


Stay at one door for an hour and open door for everyone that comes in 


 


15 


 


63 


 


Swarthmore train station concierge 


 



 


64 


 


Scale model of Crunkfest 


 


10 


 


65 


 


Level up in karate 


 



 


66 


 


Host business meeting with investors 


 


13 


 


67 


 


Condom Tie 


 



 


68 


 


Bake cookies +give them to Pubsafe 


 


15 


 


69 


 


Greco-Roman Quidditch 


 



 


70 


 


LARP in the Crum 


 


35 


 


71 


 


Clitorary theory and practice 


 



 


72 


 


Pop a tart 


 



 


73 


 


Literal asshat 


 



 


74 


 


Best improvised merkin 


 


10 


 


75 


 


Go to Haverford and give a tour 


 


15 


 


76 


 


Anal properties of the “artisanal” movement 


 



 


77 


 


Tree-some 


 


t(h)ree per tree 


 


78 


 


Recreate Pee Wee Herman’s Tequila dance +for the suit ++for the shoes 


 


15 


 


79 


 


Most toothpaste used in a single brushing 


 



 


80 


 


Crunk Regatta 


 


20/15/10 


 


81 


 


Deliver Robert Zoellick’s commencement speech 


 


10 


 


82 


 


Event: The Library Is Open (Reading is Fundamental) 


 


10 


 


83 


 


Biggest Paper Crane 


 



 


84 


 


Most conspicuous yawn +for lecture ++for seminar 


 


10 


 


85 


 


How the WRC really caught fire 


 


15 


 

13 Responses to "A call to arms from last year’s Crunkfest champions"

  1. D  April 24, 2014 at 10:06 AM

    I have absolutely no idea what half of those things on the list even mean....

    (15)
    Reply
  2. Pubnite  April 24, 2014 at 11:01 AM

    Yaaaaaaa cronkfist but y no makeerena? Wher is Harold bloom!!!!!!

    (21)
    Reply
  3. Alum 2012  April 24, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    Yes!!!! Swarthmore would not be the same without some room for crunk spirit. I was never a participant, but had friends who were and they had a grand ol' time as did we who chose to watch (or didn't). Sad to see the school become totally boring.

    (13)
    Reply
  4. "Soren Larson"  April 24, 2014 at 1:05 PM

    lol.

    (4)
    Reply
  5. BH  April 24, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    Chalk me up as somebody who had am amazing time doing Crunkfest and was completely substance-free for 23 1/2 hours. (Okay, a little caffeine.) Compromise might stink, but I'm confident that Crunkfest can still be GREAT on terms the powers-that-be can get with.

    (11)
    Reply
  6. alum 2011  April 24, 2014 at 3:02 PM

    Mmmmmmmm that's some damn fine reading!

    Go forth, ye blissful freakes of nurture, take these urgent duties and USE WELL THY FREEDOM!

    Plaudits for the first team to back the venerable Moulin Splooge, arbiters of a brighter #crunkmorrow for you, for me, and forever. Here's to the coveted campus weirdo-trangressivism that we must guard as if the last flame on earth.

    (4)
    Reply
  7. Chebecca Ropp  April 24, 2014 at 3:05 PM

    Alright alright alright--I'm in.

    Get the god damned litter box.

    (6)
    Reply
  8. EH  April 24, 2014 at 4:51 PM

    Crunkfest is wonderful! Long live the crunk. Consentfest, safefest, realfest, crumfest(?).

    (3)
    Reply
  9. Alum '11  April 24, 2014 at 5:01 PM

    Thanks for not giving up! Crunk power.

    (3)
    Reply
  10. SALEM WITCH CUNTS  April 24, 2014 at 9:16 PM

    gives you a ringing endorsement

    (3)
    Reply
  11. Jar Aaron  April 24, 2014 at 11:11 PM

    Speaking on behalf of a victorious team from the days of yore, I am honored and humbled that five of the items on here originated on our list for Crunk '09. Let the new regulations come, and sing a new song. Crunk is the world soul, crunk is the pawnshop. Adaptation is liberation. And in questions of aesthetics the key is quality.

    (3)
    Reply
  12. Alum '11  April 24, 2014 at 11:42 PM

    this is wonderful and i really appreciate all the talk that's come out of this about how crunkfest participants (and we judges!) are very, very dedicated to safety and consent. i applaud all the work being done on campus by people like Moulin Splooge, and some whose comments were published in the previous article. as a two time participant and judge, i feel very strongly about this fact, though also feel that crunkfest can always become safER and that at times like this we have a unique opportunity to really evaluate how safe our practices were in ways that can make them safer for others in the future (especially regarding consent in the cloud of alcohol, substances (legal or not!), competition, and semi-public displays of sexuality). i'm all for taking this (shitty) situation as a chance to grow, and it seems y'all feel the same way which makes me a proud crunk mama.

    -the Bride Stripped Bare (yr crunk grannies actually)

    PS love the litter box bit. no one shit in the a litterbox when i asked them to--maybe it was too much to ask for~

    (5)
    Reply
  13. alum '12, 2nd place crunker of spring '11  May 4, 2014 at 10:02 PM

    wooooooooo. so hyped.

    (0)
    Reply

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