Swarthmore's independent campus newspaper since 1881


Staff Editorial: Sauron, Death Eaters Must Put Aside Differences to Stop Nation from Tumbling Over Fiscal Cliff

in Opinions/Staff Editorials by

The 2012 campaign season is barely over, and the Dark Lord Sauron has narrowly won reelection as President of the League of Evil, but already the nation faces a new high-stakes political showdown. A majority of muggles believe the so-called “fiscal cliff” poses a great threat to our financial stability, as a combination of spending cuts and tax hikes is set to take place on January 1, 2013, if Orcs and Death Eaters within the League of Evil do not compromise on a deal to avert the calamity.

“People just don’t have faith in evil anymore,” said League of Evil House Speaker Lucius Malfoy. “If we don’t work together to solve this thing, Muggles may lose their faith in the dark arts altogether.”

Malfoy’s own party, the Death Eaters, is reeling from a stinging loss in the November elections which cost them several seats in the League of Evil House and Senate. Finger-pointing among the Death Eaters continues. Many blame Voldemort, the Death Eaters’ challenger to Sauron for the Presidency of the League of Evil. Voldemort’s campaign faltered after his comments that “47 percent of the nation are Muggles. My job is not to worry about them.”

Others blame down-ballot candidates who allegedly tarnished the image of the Death Eaters. In August, Senate candidate Draco Malfoy, in response to a question about his unusually high number of Unforgivable Curses, defended his record by saying, “If it’s a legitimate avada kedavra, the muggle body has ways to, you know, shut that whole thing down.”

Many Death Eaters then distanced themselves from Draco. “We’re not related,” said House Speaker Lucius Malfoy. “Even though we share the same last name, we’re not related.”

On the other side of the aisle, Orcs have also had issues reaching out to voters. Dark Lord Sauron essentially centered his campaign around raising taxes on shops in Diagon Alley, drawing criticism from many Death Eaters that such policies would hurt the wizarding economy. Sauron has been repeatedly criticized by Death Eaters for his views on small business. “If you’ve got a shop in Diagon Alley, you didn’t build that,” the Dark Lord said. “Someone else … cough … me … cough … made that happen.”

Sauron also faces continuing scandals in his administration. His Secretary of State, Shelob, has announced that she will step down in January after intense criticism for weakness on national security. “I let the hobbits into Mordor,” the giant arachnid said. “The buck stops with me. I let the hobbits into Mordor and I must be responsible for the consequences.”

Boromir, the Dark Lord’s Ambassador to the UN, defended the Administration’s record, saying they had done everything they could to secure the Stairs of Cirith Ungol. “I told them, one does not simply walk into Mordor,” Boromir said. “After that, there’s really not much else we can do.”

However, we feel that these issues – legitimate avada kedavra, 47 percent of the nation being muggles, and hobbits walking into Mordor – are simply distractions from the most important issue at hand, which is stopping the economy from going over the fiscal cliff. Partisan bickering no longer has a place in the League of Evil. Thirty-two days remain until we go over the cliff, so Orc and Death Eater alike cannot afford to waste another minute.

Of course, any deal requires compromise. Orcs want to see taxes raised on shops in Diagon Alley; Death Eaters want to reform social programs such as the reconstruction of Minas Tirith to make them more cost-effective. However, each group has signaled very little willingness to embrace the other side’s proposals.

“Death Eaters kept their majority in the League of Evil House,” said Severus Snape, Voldemort’s running mate in the presidential election. Snape, who holds a seat there, believes that the Death Eater majority is a voter mandate not to raise taxes.

League of Evil Vice-President Saruman, however, believes that his and Sauron’s reelection is a mandate not to reform entitlement spending. “They [the Death Eaters] would bury the Muggles, as they’ve been buried the last four years,” said Saruman. “They want to gut reconstruction funding for Minas Tirith and Hogwarts, so they, the folks at the very top, can get a tax break.”

Continuing this blame-tossing past the election, though, is highly irresponsible. It appears the League of Evil is truly living up to its name. It is time for the League to acknowledge that both entitlement reform and revenue increases will be necessary to reduce the deficit. But even if the League of Evil Congress passes a half-baked bill to avert the fiscal cliff before the end-of-year deadline, the nation’s trust in them will be irreparably damaged.

“The League of Evil doesn’t work anymore,” said Libertarian Party candidate Darth Vader. “It’s time for some new ideas about how to govern.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


Latest from Opinions

Go to Top