---

BY HANNAH PURKEY

In print | Published December 2, 2010

With winter break fast approaching and Thanksgiv-ing already gone, my thoughts turn to what I’m most thankful for. Two things always come to mind: family and hockey. Yet these two things have always felt like one and the same to me, not only because I love my home team as if they were family, but also because the drama that comes out of the National Hockey League can only be described in terms of family. Thus, my Thanksgiving dinner had a few extra characters at the table that kept the break interesting, as the holidays as a hockey fan always are. Without further ado, I introduce my NHL family and the storylines they have found themselves entangled in, and me entertained by, recently.

It is always a bit awkward when a sibling brings home her latest significant other for family holidays. You hear for so long how great this new guy is and how she can’t wait for you to meet him. She has hyped the guy so much that the entire family is in a tizzy to welcome him. But when he finally gets there, after all the hype and uncertainty of whether he would actually come this year, he trips over the tablecloth, accidentally knocks over some candles and sets the turkey on fire. Meet Ilya Kovalchuk.

The winger for the New Jersey Devils had the entire hockey world talking about him this off-season when he became a free agent. Hardly a day went by without another Kovalchuk trade rumor headlining hockey blogs everywhere. After his first contract was rejected by the NHL, Kovalchuck signed a 15-year $100 million deal to stay with the Devils. New Jersey was excited to start cashing in on this huge investment starting this season.

Yet all Kovalchuk seems to be able to do this year is trip over the tablecloth. In November, he only racked up one goal and three assists, not to mention a minus-seven +/- ranking. This is an abysmal record for someone getting paid that much and a big let down after so much off-season hype. He hasn’t been helping his case at all by botching easy plays. Sure, it’s a lot of pressure to meet the family for the first time, or to live up to $100 million expectations, but that’s no excuse to suddenly become a different player. He needs to put some serious points up in the second half of the season if he wants to be invited back next year.

No family is complete without the crazy uncle whose most recent divorce everyone loves to gossip about. Sure, most of the stories that you tell behind his back are outlandish exaggerations, but you just can’t help yourself. They seemed like such a happy couple and then out of nowhere, he says he needs a change. And just like that he’s sitting in your family room, avoiding questions about what went wrong. Meet Danny Heatley.

Heatley found himself at the center of the NHL gossip mill in 2009 when he decided that it was “time for a change” and asked to be traded from the Ottawa Senators. All the old questions are getting thrown at him again as he prepares to return to Ottawa with his new team, the San Jose Sharks, this week. Has time healed the old wounds between these two lovebirds? With reports that Ottawa fans are booing the Sharks logo whenever it is shown at Ottawa home games, I’m going to say not quite.
All healthy sibling relationships have some kind of rivalry in them. But between brothers, the rivalry is always a little bloodier. Meet the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals.

The rivalry between these two teams is especially drawn out at the moment since HBO is doing a special documentary mini-series based on this year’s winter classic between the two. As if the Ovechkin v. Crosby storyline wasn’t enough to make these teams competitive, the promise of prime television airtime has made it even better.

At a recent team bonding exercise, HBO followed the Caps to FBI headquarters, where the guys got some tips on how to train like agents. And really, what better way for hockey players to show off their manliness than by shooting things and knocking down doors? And to top it all off, “blowing stuff up,” as Semyon Varlamov describes it. Their target of choice was easy: a stuffed penguin doll. If only Santa could fit some Penguin retaliation onto his sleigh …

For everyone who has a little brother, you know that it is his job to be as annoying as possible. This usually entails reading your diary, ratting you out to your parents, or, if he’s really intent on making your life hell, sticking his hands within an inch of your face and repeating, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you!” Meet Chris Pronger.

Over the last few seasons, it has become apparent that this Philadelphia Flyers defenseman wants to challenge Sean Avery for the title of most annoying opponent. In last year’s Stanley Cup Finals, Pronger thought it would be a good idea to make off with the game puck — for games his team didn’t win. Thus it should be no surprise that Pronger is again in the media for acting in a less-than-mature manner. In a game this week against the Calgary Flames, Pronger attempted to distract the Flames’ goalie by waving his arm in front of his face, little brother-style. Although it is debatable whether this was actually against NHL rules, the overtime goal that came from the incident was disallowed and the Flyers ended up losing in a shootout. When the media asked Pronger about it, he took the high road, of course: “I’m not going to get into a he-said-she-said with the refs; I’m the he.” Yes, calling the referee a girl is definitely the best way to handle a call you don’t like.

Lastly, we have the helicopter parent. Some know this particular type of parenting better than others, but we have all heard the horror stories. These parents get involved in their kids lives whether they want them to or not. They bend rules and overstep boundaries to ensure that their kid is protected. Meet Colin Campbell.

A Senior VP and Director of Hockey Operations in the NHL, Campbell functions as the league’s disciplinarian and is responsible for overseeing suspensions and other punishments for players who misbehave. But much to his embarrassment, e-mails recently came out where Campbell tried to intervene on behalf of his son, Gregory, a player for the Boston Bruins. Campbell complains about borderline calls against his son and insults other players who drew the penalties, notably calling Marc Savard the “biggest faker.” Talk about hovering too close. The person most embarrassed by the exposure of these emails was probably the person they were meant to protect: Campbell’s son.

As finals end and you start heading home, I hope you will consider inviting these characters to your next family get together as well. Sure, they are a bit eccentric and steal all the best leftovers. But really, life is just more interesting when they are around.

---

« RETURN TO SPORTS

« PREV ARTICLE | NEXT ARTICLE »