BY AMBER ROSE

In print | Published November 5, 2009 — Updated December 19, 2011 12:55

Last week I gave you a list of sexual ‘Dos,’ and far be it for me to know whether anyone is either daring or naïve enough to take my advice (or read my column for that matter). But I figured that since the ‘Don’ts’ section of this discussion was blatantly missing, it would not only fill up some space in the 700-900 word requirement, but would also provide some advice that requires less effort to follow. All the reader need do is observe the following list, and in doing so, stay away from the awesomely bad shortcuts that might be tempting in theory, but go terribly awry in realization.

Observe:
DO NOT have sex to music unless it is something that you can tune out. A song with a really prominent beat can be more distracting than the pleasure you’re feeling. What’s worse, you can find yourself bobbing up and down in rhythm with the beat, and after a couple seconds, when you both realize you’re in unison with the synthesizer, it just becomes awkward. You might find yourself purposefully ignoring the beat, but then the arrhythmia makes you feel like you’re doing the Soldier Boy to Norah Jones.

Music can be great to drown out the noise in a dorm with paper-thin walls, but be aware that it can take your attention away from the task at hand. And it’s really much more fun to be focused on the task at hand.

Two years ago, my boyfriend lived in an apartment with roommates, and would always put on Radiohead or Brand
New when we were about to get down to it. When Jesse Lacey would go on a screaming rampage, it was definitely excessive, but most of the music was mellow enough to tune out and provide some background noise. As far as successful songs go, Radiohead’s Idioteque actually became my favorite song of the season. Just be careful not to put your iPod on shuffle unless you know the playlist well. The Ying Yang Twins’ “Whisper Song” might come on unexpectedly and deflate your libido.

DO NOT use your hands or mouth without knowing what you’re doing. People weren’t born with great head skills, so before you give out your first favor or two, get an anatomy lesson online. If you have any close friends with a lot of experience, ask for a tutorial. Honestly, the initial shame will save you an uncomfortable experience down the line, and if you go about asking right, it will probably be a hilarious conversation.

Literally, all one needs to do is Google “hand job,” and thousands of results pop up that will teach you, for free, how to give a fabulous hand job! (Technology is a marvel, isn’t it?) Seriously, hundreds upon hundreds of websites are just waiting to teach you techniques like “The Washing Machine,” “The Pancake,” or “Milking the Bull.” Even if you think you’ve got your shit down, check it out for fun. It’s never a bad idea to learn more.

There is nothing worse than receiving a shoddy job of any kind, and having to either coach your partner into doing it right, tacitly tolerate the pain/discomfort or pretend like you’re actually enjoying it. I take that back. It’s equally horrible for the giver, or shall we say, the star of this performance. Trying to dish out oral or manual pleasure without a roadmap is like starring in a play without having seen the script. Improvising Romeo would ruin a classic, just as winging it in the bedroom will devastate the opportunity for potentially mind-blowing foreplay. Not only will you leave your partner unsatisfied, but you will also leave the experience feeling like all of your inadequacies have been exposed. Not a self-esteem booster.

Which brings me to my next point: if it’s not a one-night stand and you’re not having fun, DO NOT fake it! Pretending like you’re feeling pleasure will only make it worse for you next time. Have you ever heard of “Fake it til you make it?” Throw it out; it doesn’t apply.

Anyone who’s taken Psych 101 knows that praise is a form of positive reinforcement, and if you want your partner to keep on doing what he/she is doing, then by all means, “ooh” and “ahhh” your heart out. Otherwise, praise only reinforces bad behavior. You’re an adult with a mouth; talk to your partner! Keeping silent might not reinforce the behavior, but it will take a lot longer for your partner to learn without any direction. You are your own best barometer; tell him/her what you want more/less of. You know best what you like, and you’re a Swarthmore brainiac. For God’s sake (or your own goddamn sake), grow some balls and stop wasting time.

And so I conclude the two-parter of Dos and Don’ts. It’s been fun, this conversation between you and me, but more importantly, it’s been didactic (I can only hope). For any further questions, suggestions, hate-mail or friendly heckling, you know where to find me.

Amber is a senior. Suggestions for topics to cover, as well as questions, comments and anecdotes, can be sent to email address removed at the request of the author.

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