BY AMBER ROSE

In print | Published April 23, 2009 — Updated December 19, 2011 13:00

Upon reading The Phoenix for the first time this past fall semester, I realized that a dialogue of great intellectual importance was blatantly absent: boobs! Hey, why not? Not only does public sex-talk in this high stress environment provide much-needed laughter at your narrator’s expense, but it also creates an open forum about sexual experience. Take it from the Blood Hound Gang: we ain’t nothin’ but mammals!

“Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas,/ But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means ‘Small Craft Advisory’/ So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship/ Please turn me on, I’m Mister Coffee with an automatic drip/ So show me yours, I’ll show you mine/ “Tool Time,” you’ll Lovett just like Lyle/ And then we’ll do it doggy style so we can both watch “X-Files”/ (Do it now) You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals/ So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel/ (Do it again now)/ You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals/ So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel/ (Getting’ horny now)”

So, if we are open about our status as mammals, then it is my hope that we can become more open sexually. While I’d like to say that my only goal in writing lewd and inappropriate sex columns is to make you giggle, educate you, or perhaps just get you off, I do have an ulterior motive; I’d love to see a world that is comfortable with its sexuality.

Because I do not envision comfort in one’s sexuality in terms of nudist colonies or exposed sagging appendages, I think it’s important to say that sexual comfort has a flexible definition. Personally, I’d like to see sex become a subject freely discussed at meals (reducing all the Swat Swiveling), or in the bathroom for that matter, in class, over homework … wherever!

It’s my opinion that sex is not sinful, but a natural animal (and of course human) inclination. Sex is not dirty, but beautiful. Sex is not painful, but pleasurable. Sex is not inappropriate, but normal. Sex is not wrong, but so, so, so right.

On soap operas, you will often hear actors playing the part of “Muscular Doctor” refer to sex as “love-making.” In my more cynical days I would have told you not to be fooled by this scheme of corporate America. (They are trying to sell you Valentine’s Day cards! Love is a scam!) But if you ever have sex when you are in love then you will find out that there’s a reason “hacer el amor” translates into Spanish literally. When you are capable of feverishly staring into someone’s eyes while being totally connected with that person, surrounding him, and having him surround you, never wanting to let go, and knowing that the feeling is 110 percent reciprocated, then you will know that sex can never be wrong, and then you will be certain that you are comfortable with your own sexuality.

So, as this is my last column for the semester (and who knows how long), I’d like to leave you with a few parting words of wisdom: stay safe; have lots of sex. And if son, you got no game, by God, masturbate. Food and orgasm tie for the single largest secretion of dopamine that the body will naturally release at one time. When you’re having a stressful day, and you’re sick of Sharples, and you don’t have a significant other, you have a hand, don’t you? As far as hookups go, condoms are indispensable — even when birth control is in the mix. Need I say more? (I’ll leave that to your friendly sexual health counselors).

And so I release you, fecund little Grasshopper. Go forth! Live! Prosper! But try not to contract a disease or procreate just yet!

Appreciate your able body for all that it can do. You are healthy and wise, so stay that way, because now you are at once on your own.

Amber is a junior. You can reach her at email address removed at the request of the author.

« RETURN TO LIVING & ARTS

« PREV ARTICLE | NEXT ARTICLE »