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BY AMBER ROSE

In print | Published March 5, 2009 — Updated December 19, 2011 13:03

Who says three’s a crowd? Why, three is the magic number! Three times the charm! Think of all those famous trios whose charisma is dependent upon the dynamic of the number three: Where would Mo and Larry be without their brother Curly? What is a Dixie Chick worth without two other Dixie Chicks? Would you give a crap about LFO without the F or the O? (Actually, the “F” is for “Funky”, and doesn’t represent an actual person, but don’t pretend you weren’t in love with this boy-band circa 1999 when they sang of summer girls, Chinese food and Abercrombie and Fitch).

I must admit, however, that no matter how profound my affection for numero tres, in certain contexts, the number three is a recipe for awkward — and I’m talking more awkward than a fist-bump after a one-night stand. For instance, when it comes to you, your girlfriend, and your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend, three is a host of obese elephants packed into an ever-shriveling closet disguised as a college campus.

Let’s face a few facts right now: Swarthmore College is small. Students from similar social circles tend to seek each other out for classic mating rituals. Because transcending these circles is rare (as in the case of a Phi Psi male bumping uglies with a Volleyball female), our campus has sprouted an incestuous family tree. Just ask your best friend. Chances are you’ve hooked up with at least three of the same people. But I digress …

The point is that if you are dating someone at Swarthmore, they probably have some kind of an ex here. We’ve all got history. So unless you’re dating a virgin, you will be seeing that ex around quite frequently at Swat. (Damnit!)

But does it have to be so awkward? And why is it so awkward? Maybe it’s because I don’t like the image of my boyfriend and his ex doing the two-way private tango way back when, and I doubt she likes the image of us doing the horizontal hibbady-dibbady now. But does all this tension just boil down to your partner’s past sexual experiences?

Well, more than their sex history, the ex has literal history. She has his memories, she has his family’s affection and she has his heart. Or is the third one just my insecurity talking? There is a reason they are no longer together, after all.

So what is the problem here? Is it the situation, or is it me? Is it that mixing two partners and one ex is like dissolving two parts bleach into one part Windex, or am I just the toxic element in this solution?

If your boy/girlfriend wants to stay friends with his/her ex, what say do you have in the situation? Nil. Most likely, it’s none of your business because you weren’t involved in their romantic relationship. Sounds like a moot point to me, and a foul place to be stuck in, but maybe an opportunity for growth, and definitely a place to extend trust.

Why torture yourself postulating over the probability of him running into her on his way to the co-ed bathroom, and then wondering why he hasn’t been back in 15 minutes because he’s either taking a very leisurely crap or he’s in her room right now begging her to take him back and making sweet passionate love to her in a way that he never made love to you (oh my god where did THAT come from?)

Or perhaps it’s the other way around: A clear sign of an unhealthy relationship is when you’re out on Friday night with your “friends,” but every hour on the hour you must endure nagging calls from your beaux — who insists that he only wants to “make sure you are safe” and is “in no way checking up on you.” Ironically, you’ve been lying to your boyfriend the whole time, inventing excuses why you can’t hang out with him. The fact is, he’s not much of a dancer, but far too jealous to let you dance with other guys, and definitely wouldn’t like hearing that one of those guys is your ex-boyfriend of two years.

Tension rises, and little by little the stench of maggots decomposing the lies upon which the foundation of your relationship is built grows stronger and stronger until it seeps into the cracks of your windows and rises up through the crevices of your walls and you walk around with your nose pinched and your breath held tight until it penetrates the pores of your body and the corners of your eyes and the stank of dishonesty is just so suffocating that you wake in cold sweats, and you pinch yourself, gasping for air, asking yourself, “Why am I here?”, and “for what purpose am I prolonging something so obviously wrong?” until you finally just burst into hysteria and scream out loud in the face of your beloved, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I’m sorry.”

Trust is the oxygen to any relationship. Cut off trust, and you cut off the circulation to your brain. Your face will turn blue and your relationship will die a slow, ugly death. If your boyfriend wants to stay close with his ex, you can approach this situation in one of two ways. You can (a) take the arch nemesis approach, making yourself Kim Possible, and his ex Shego, and you will engage in a never-ending duel.

Although you will both die numerous deaths, you will inexplicably come back to life, and a climax will never be reached. If, however, you are slightly less stubborn than Ron Stoppable’s side-kick and secret love-interest, you could (b) make a genuine effort to be sensitive—(maybe even nice)—to each other, or at least just accept that breakups are painful and healing takes time.
Personally, I veto both of these ridiculous ideas, and elect a far superior approach: ménage à trois (a domestic setup is ideal).

Amber is a junior. You can reach her at email address removed at the request of the author

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