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BY TIFFANY LIAO

In print | Published February 12, 2009

I’ll be honest. A huge impetus to study abroad in Spain was the siesta. I’ve always loved Spanish culture and especially literature, but the siesta was seriously and shamelessly high on the list. Like, #1.5.

Basically, from 2 to 5 p.m., everything closes so that you can head home for some serious lunching and a siesta. For anyone who has dodged drool emitting from my slumbering body in various public Swat locations, you can bet your London Broil that culturally-sanctioned napping was right up my alley. But siestas haven’t translated into the hours of blissful sleep I imagined. What I didn’t realize is that the siesta exists because the Spanish do NOT sleep at night. Everyone, regardless of age, stays up until at least 2 a.m.on weekdays. I’m still living down the shame I felt my first few nights here when I would get into my jammies as my Señora was busting out her fur coat to go chillax with her amigas.

On weekends, it’s worse with Spanish young’uns. After a light dinner around 10 p.m., they don’t head out to the discotecas until well after 2 a.m. It’s standard to party until closing time at 6 a.m., and then go out for chocolates con churros.

As someone who regularly chooses sleep over lesser things like reading and eating, I’ve found that staying up until 9 a.m. has been surprisingly easy since it’s one of the few times that madrileños become really forthcoming. Who knew that a backdrop of god-awful techno music and lukewarm cuba libres was perfect for illuminating conversations?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve managed to amass quite the vocabulary from the jóvenes. Because I love you and because lists are easy and I forgot I needed to write a column this week, I present to you the basic working vocab of the madrileño:

Culo: Basically, “ass,” but not quite as strong since even my Señora uses it. From my experiences, there’s a national obsession with the culo. Unlike in the States, where there’s a wider albeit equally sketchy range of fawning, the piropos (catcalls) and creepy stares directed at girls all center around the round thing in yo face.

The culo obsession is so pervasive that it exists even when the culo itself does not. I am not being modest when I say that I literally have no ass. On particularly gusty days, the seat of my pants is prone to flapping in the breeze. I almost feel bad for the guys who try and grab my culo, only to come away with a fistful of jeans.

Vale: This is the Spanish equivalent of “okay.” (For Spanish speakers outside of Spain, an equivalent is “bueno”). It’s basically used to express agreement or just to fill in any random space in the conversation. Or to disguise frequent moments of complete lack of language comprehension.

Buitre: Literally “vulture,” this term is used for a sketchy guy who keeps hovering around a girl. As I wasn’t getting their definitions of “vulture,” a guy had to actually flap his arms up and down like a bird and squawk. Several. Times. Maybe this Swawkward thing is contagious.

Tío/a: Literally “uncle”/“aunt,” this means “guy”/“girl.” To say the girl or guy in question is hot, add a “guapisimo/a” or “buenisimo/a.” Yeah, that made for some incest-y confusion for a few weeks.

Puta Madre: I’m sure the majority of you know this one already, but I had no grasp of its sheer versatility until I arrived on the Spanish shores. Literally “whore mother,” it can take on a ridiculous range of meaning with a few handy prepositions.

¡Mejor juega con tu puta madre!: Worried about fending off sexual predators, one guy wrote this rule in my pretentious moleskine: “If anyone asks you if you want to play the dolphin, eat a snack, sweep the dust, yell this.” Basically, it means “I’d rather play with your whore mother.” Nice.

¡Eres de puta madre!: Adding “de” turns this grave insult into a compliment of the highest order. This is what you say to someone who has just found all-you-can-eat paella for 5 euros. Seriously, paella is the best thing I have ever shoved into my mouth. Yes, it is so good that I typed that sentence even as I heard the faint chorus of “That’s what she said!” crossing the Atlantic.

Ligar: To hook up. The term is just as ambiguous and can mean anything from kissing to sex.

Riquísimo/a!: Basically, “Very delicious!” If a much beloved Señora cooks for you, you say this. It does not matter if you do not like it. It does not matter if it is murcilla (blood sausage.) You say it. You say it even though it actually tastes and, holy god, feels like dried blood in your mouth.

Zanahoría, Churro…: The key to Spanish sexual innuendos is to revert into your mental state in fourth grade when you still couldn’t say “sex” without giggling. I understand that for some of you, this may be a lot less of a mental stretch. Basically, if the food is long and thin, it’s a penis. If it has anything resembling a hole, it’s a vagina. Any activity that requires any action at all—I’m serious, this includes Parcheesi—is sex.

Hasta luego: Favored manner of saying goodbye, but said impossibly fast until it sounds like “Ah-go!” One guy said it so fast that it sounded like “Hello!” to which a certain Phoenix reporter passing by was surprised into replying “Um, hi?” and then realizing her mistake, shuffled away quickly with the seat of her pants flapping behind her.

And with that, it’s my cue to bid hasta luego, Swatties. Stay Swawkward!

Tiffany is a junior. She can be reached at tliao1@swarthmore.edu.

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