BY TAMAR LERER

In print | Published December 4, 2008 — Updated December 05, 2008 10:10

Friends are extremely important. There are, of course, the obvious perks: the “Top Chef” watching marathons and alcohol-tinted Catchphrase playing. And then there are the more significant roles friends can serve as supporters, listeners, advisors, compatriots and commiserators. But, as it is often, friendship and its relation to body image issues, weight loss and healthy living can be complex and can get messy. Friends can be a great way to motivate yourself to lose weight, but they can also become people in competition with you or who enable your less-than-healthy tendencies. Alternatively, we ourselves can be those harmful friends without fully realizing it and certainly without intending to.

There are two dangers that can arise when friendships and body image issues mix: that the two friends begin competing with each other, or that the two friends start enabling each other to behave in ways that are less than healthy. The competition can be subtle or overt. Overtly comparative statements like “Oh my god I can’t believe how little you eat” both engender competition and encourage a person to keep priding herself on eating small—and perhaps ever smaller—quantities
More insidious is the unspoken competition. You start going out with your friends and measure how much you should eat based on how much they eat. If you eat more than them, you feel bad, and if you eat less you feel somehow successful. The same goes for exercise. As one friend increases her time in the gym from 20 minutes to 50 to an hour and a half, the other friend might start to feel like she has to keep up. I’ve been there, and I can tell you that there is a fine line between the type of keeping up that is a productive motivator and the kind that is unhealthy. While I’m extremely thankful for my friend who just yesterday made me use muscles I didn’t know I had on machines that were previously extremely intimidating, I don’t stay for her full two-hour workouts. When you find that you are pushing yourself in ways that make you unhappy or angry, that are physically painful for you, or that are interfering in other ways in your life, something is wrong.

Equally as bad, or perhaps worse, is the subtle undercutting that friends can start to engage in. Instead of amping up your own exercise routine or eating healthier, it is sometimes easier to discourage someone else from doing more than you. When comparing your own regimen to a friend’s makes you feel like yours comes up short, you may try to bring theirs to a level you feel more comfortable with. This, of course, can happen in reverse, with a friend undercutting you.
This sort of behavior isn’t isolated to body image issues. It’s the misery poker mentality that permeates Swarthmore — everything you have to do, I’ve got it worse. Many of us engage in this sort of behavior, and if you don’t know how ridiculous it can get, take a look at it in print: “No, you’re not fat, look at my [body part I’m insecure about]”. “You’re crazy, my [other part] is so much fatter than yours!” It starts an arms race that is hard to stop and builds in counterproductive ways.

What can you do about this sort of negative behavior? In either case, recognizing it is the first step. If you are being overtly competitive or undercutting a friend, you need to stop. If this recognition cannot easily lead to cessation, try to remove yourself from certain situations when this problem is bound to come up such as exercising or eating one-on-one. Similarly, if your friend is impacting you negatively, first talk to them. If they won’t recognize their behavior pattern or can’t stop it, remove yourself from those sort of situations. You can be great friends with a person without being their workout buddy or solo brunch partner. Putting an end to situations that are counterproductive will not only help each of you, but it will ultimately help your friendship.

Of course, when trying to lose weight or live more healthily, it is extremely helpful to be able to tell your friends what you are doing and that it is important to you. Most friends will at the very least respect you — so no more awkward “But why don’t you want to split this pizza with me?” in public. Some friends will encourage and support you by choosing outings and activities that allow you to eat foods you feel comfortable with. And some friends might even join you, having similar desires themselves and looking for a person to help strengthen their resolve and make the process seem less solitary and painful.

The same goes for exercise, which is, as you know, my Achilles’ heel. Revealing that you are trying to work out more can lead to a friend agreeing to work with your schedule — say by moving your weekly dinner date to Tarble from Sharples so you can go to the gym — or they can join you. I’ve had a few great exercise buddies who were on the same page as me in terms of goals and strategies. They’ve helped me drag my butt to the gym when I wouldn’t otherwise go because I have a commitment to them. Or they can help you engage in a two-person activity, such as tennis, that you both find enjoyable. A friend can be a great motivator and encouragement in adding physical activity to your life.

What if you don’t feel ready to tell your friends about your insecurities yet, or if they don’t seem to understand? Come to the Body Image Support/Discussion group that has formed Mondays at 9 p.m. at Kohlberg 328. And feel free to send me an email at any time if you miss my columns next semester — senioritis has hit quite hard, so I’ll be at my computer, not working.

Tamar is a senior. You can reach her at tlerer1@swarthmore.edu.

« RETURN TO LIVING & ARTS

« PREV ARTICLE | NEXT ARTICLE »