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BY JACK KEEFE

In print | Published October 30, 2008

Jesus Christ. Just… Jesus Christ.

I’m at a loss for words at how to describe “Left Behind: Eternal Forces,” a (allegedly) real-time strategy (RTS) PC game (think Warcraft) based on the infamous eschatological, apocalyptic book series. I mean, yes, it’s bizarre and full of some of the wackiest end-of-days theology you can find apart from this one dude I met at Dupont Circle who earnestly believed that Barack Obama’s potential ascendancy to the presidency marked the apocalypse because he was a “Ham-child.” Coincidentally, it’s also the worst RTS game I’ve played in my life.

Perhaps unfortunately, I came into the possession of this game thanks to a Daily Gazette sex columnist (Sup, Dr. Strokes!) and felt a perverse obligation and curiosity to try my hand at leading the righteous Tribulation Force against the Global Community (led by the Antichrist). And the only way I’ve been able to parse this Goliath-sized clusterfuck is to engage in some (poorly) imagined narrative.

Day 1
Dear Diary,
Today, God told me that I needed to destroy the Antichrist. Neat, huh? I was just strolling along the streets of New York when all of a sudden I was struck with these amazing visions. Families playing baseball! A sassy waitress who gives “Jesus hugs!” And … Draco Malfoy? I could hardly believe my eyes, but it seems as though the real threat of “Harry Potter” wasn’t its witchcraft, but the mad celebrity of its young albino stars. Ack! It was clear from his vaguely menacing looks that something had to be done, and that it was up to me to lead the crusade!

God then said that I needed to convince eight people on the streets to be my Christ-friend, and that I needed to take them all to an abandoned chapel so we could, um, pray together, I guess. This part of my quest was actually pretty simple, as walking up to people quickly made both of us glow with holy light, and soon enough they were simply compelled to follow me to the church. Also, everyone got to wear a sweatervest when they joined my party. Sweatervests rule! Go, God!

However, the path of the righteous is not easy, my friends. God placed these funny, impenetrable dotted lines between the church and me, so I had to go all the way around the city rather than making a direct path. God Works In Mysterious Ways … and also really likes cardio, I guess.

What’s worse were those damn gay purse-wielding thieves. You know how it is, running into a pack of more than a dozen grimacing men in tube-tops, wielding purses full of poison vials. They tried to stop my Christ-friends with their death purses, but we ran away while furiously praying, only to run into some equally queer musicians who tried to fool us into sin with their rock and roll music and rap lyrics (which made them glow a demonic red—I’d never seen this happen to 50 Cent before, but whatevz). Their music made some of my friends lose their faith and, more importantly, their sweatervests. Oh, no!

After I found enough special friends and took them to the abandoned church, God thanked me and then started to pipe Christian rock music into my soul, asking if I’d like to buy it. I politely declined, because if my experience on da streets is any indication, music is hella gay and God is just trying to test me.

Day 2
Dear Diary,
Today, I didn’t fight the Antichrist much, but I did do some interior design. Praise the lord! God gave me the aid of a builder named Teddy, who helped me turn the nearby EBGames and Duane Reade drug stores into fortresses for God! Now, the people in Modell’s sure were confused when Teddy and I busted in and started throwing aside basketballs and replacing them with deep fryers (to feed the righteous), but it was for the greater good.

However, my faith was challenged when I used the power God gave me to learn about Teddy’s “life story,” only to learn that his wife and kids left him behind in more ways than one … because he’s a pedophile? WHAT? Eli Eli, lama sabacthani! I sent him off to make a home for our magical choir director before settling into a well-earned sleep.

Before I went to bed, God tried to lecture me about how evolution wasn’t real, but I just politely ignored him. Geesh, I mean, hasn’t everyone seen “Expelled”?­

Day 3
Dear Diary,
When I woke up this morning, my EB-Bank and the Mo’Christ Café were MISSING. Huh?!? God told me I needed to wait around and build them again. I hope God is trying to teach me an important lesson through all this, uh, illogical repetition.

Actually, it’s a bit surprising what little fighting I need to do in my holy quest to eradicate Satan from God’s green Earth. In fact, all I’ve been doing is running from gays and finding special friends and founding banks. Is this what Jesus did? (I’m honestly not all that sure … being preached to just makes me glow more and God says I need to pay him $150 for the Bible upgrade and I think he’s ripping me off and I think it’s sacrilegious for me to think that and oh God I’m going to Hell aren’t I?!?!). I once even tried to beat up one of the purse gays, but this made me weirdly depressed and I almost lost my sweatervest. I tried praying at them too, but this didn’t help either. This kinda sucks.

God tried to sell me Christian hip-hop tonight. No.

Day 4
Dear Diary,
It was all gone again. Purse gays were back. I am starting to believe that they are really the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

God tried to sell me a ticket to Jerusalem. I told him where to shove it.

Jack is a junior. You can reach him at jkeefe1@swarthmore.edu.

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