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BY MOLLY PIELS and MAIRIN ODLE

In print | Published April 17, 2008

Regardless of what you wrote in your ‘Why Swarthmore?’ essay, going to class, not the Crum Regatta, is one of the most important activities that occur at Swarthmore. Although the most important activity, obviously, is playing misery poker about what you have to do for said classes.

But we digress. Classes, shockingly, are kind of important. They can also be easily ruined by only one student, commonly known as, “That Guy” or “That Girl.” This week, we want to talk about how to not be That Person.

Classes are full of pitfalls for the etiquette-unwary, but a good rule of thumb is: when in doubt, it’s always ok to ask. Sure, it’s awkward, but not as awkward as guessing and getting it wrong can be. If you’re not sure what to call your professor, ask them, or start with the most formal option and wait for them to tell you they’d prefer something a little less official. Starting off the class with “Hey, what’s up, Bob?” and a preemptive high-five will make us, and quite possibly your professor, cringe. Call us old school, but this isn’t Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper. We both have a vested interest in believing that a Ph.D. is worth something, so work with us here.

Conversely, if you’re being super-formal and polite, you don’t need to tell your professor how polite you’re being — they’ve probably picked up on it. But if by “being polite,” you mean announcing that you have graciously refrained from chewing tobacco during their office hours, you’re just going to make your professor wonder when you are chewing tobacco. If the answer is, “in her class,” you have accomplished very little. This is a true story — thanks Lynne Molter! See, we just said thank you — that’s also important. Always.

Tobacco is probably not the only thing one could chew in class, and probably not the most popular choice either. Unless explicitly prohibited, we conclude that eating in class is acceptable if it’s not distracting, if it stays clean and if it doesn’t prevent you from doing whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing in class (e.g., dissecting a mink). A complete meal is probably not going to work, but there’s nothing wrong with a coffee and a bagel in a lecture class. But if your professor calls on you mid-mouthful of chicken finger wrap, you’re going to be embarrassed and look funny trying to swallow it all at once. We’re just saying.

Needing to eat a full meal in class often has some sort of relationship to tardiness, though it varies person-to-person and class-to-class whether this is a direct or inverse relationship. Regardless of your reason, if you are late, go to the back. Go directly to the back. Do not pass the professor, do not collect 200 “I’m late” points. Don’t compound your error by apologizing in front of everyone; wait until the end of class. Don’t make noise as you get your notebook out and ask your neighbor if the homework has been handed back yet, either.

The end of class, like the beginning of class, is not to be determined by your individual arrival and departure. If you absolutely have to be somewhere right when class ends, fine, go. But please don’t expect the class to end just because you’re tired and it’s Greek bar for lunch. Suggesting that it ought to by noisily packing up your stuff and sitting expectantly with it on your lap is not acceptable. Nor is striking up a conversation with your neighbor about the awesomeness of Greek bar. Not only is the professor unlikely to accept the hint (though they’ll probably notice it), they might have just said something about the midterm.

Group discussions are not about the individual either. If you have a brilliant idea about how to construct a completely new paradigm for approaching modern art, but the class is talking about Ghana’s independence, you’ll have to wait. Maybe until your next class. That kind of thing is why professors have office hours, e-mail addresses and phone numbers, and also why class tends to be longer than five minutes. Write that thought down and listen attentively to your classmates, because what they have to say may be just as brilliant and twice as relevant.

If you listen, you might find that someone else has made your brilliant comment, and that it didn’t sound so brilliant. Now aren’t you glad that someone else said it? Along the same lines, if you happen to raise your hand only to have someone else called on, you need to put your hand down and keep it down until they are done speaking. Keeping it up implies that what your classmates are saying will have no impact on what you will say, which isn’t what discussion is about.

Your classmates deserve the same respect outside of class that you give in class. This includes everyone’s favorite educational exercise: group work. Some Guy We Know at Another Elite Institution wants us to address what he calls the ‘Kantian study group moral imperative,’ which simply calls for reciprocity of effort and commitment.

You know that person who enthusiastically calls for study groups and wants you to synthesize everything you learned in the class into a five-minute, easily remembered and yet subtly impressive spiel, but then suddenly has a “WA conference” when it’s his or her turn? Take it as a weird compliment that they want to access the contents of your superior mind, but that doesn’t make it okay.

We’re social animals. When we congregate in classes or study groups, it’s often tempting to share stories. More accurately, DPS (Dumb Personal Stories). DPS is frustrating (or alternatively, hilarious) when it’s committed by other people, so there’s no reason to think that your story is more relevant, even when it’s about how your love of gender studies led you to name your cat Judith Butler, and how your cat was TOTALLY performing its gender the other day by playing with a pink mitten, and … Right. It’s not useful. Regardless of all the cute things Judy does, if you bring her up in class, you’re going to be That Person.

Molly and Mairin are seniors. You can reach them at mpiels1@swarthmore.edu and modle1@swarthmore.edu.

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